Mrs. Heidi Pratt?

All along I thought things couldn’t get worse: the economy is in the crapper, I can’t fit into my skinny jeans and my Chi started smoking when I turned it on this morning.

Oh but they can.

And they did.

People are talkin’, and what are they saying? Spencer and Heidi got married in Cabo. (Insert scary movie sounds here.)

The wedding was allegedly unplanned, but there is not a person on this earth who believes that this wasn’t some major publicity stunt for the Devil Couple that fell out of the limelight when real things started happening. Like the election.

But now? I can only imagine the Speidi publicity storm that is about to erupt:

1. Exclusive wedding photos sold to the highest bidding tabloid.

2. Heidi and Spencer going to every late night talk show to discuss this secret wedding.

3. A new fashion line from Heidi with slutty and trashy wedding gowns for last minute brides.

4. Exclusive video footage (shot by someone Spencer and Heidi hired) of their deep and meaningful vows leaked to the press.

5. A love song duet with accompanying music video shot on the beach.

6. Their own (gasp) reality show…on Bravo.

Please God, if you are out there, let this not be true. And if it is true, please promise me they will be unable to procreate. Mankind is depending on you.