Tuffy Luv Sez, For Real Real Or For Gay Gay?

November 25, 2008 Posted in Advice

MMF Email your old (BUT NOT TOO OLD, DAMMIT!!!) friend Tuffy at tuffy@collegecandy.com to get answers to your craziest questions. No question is too bizarre or too normal! Ask away! Tuffy’s column runs every other Tuesday.

By Sara

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a question that I’ve been trying to solve for months but it just baffles me. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years; he’s really a great guy, but sometimes I just don’t understand him! Like a year and a half ago, we were talking about things we’d like to try in the bedroom. I’m usually the one who is more adventurous so I was trying to encourage HIM to come up with an idea and asked: “Is there anything you’ve really wanted to try but haven’t mentioned because you’re too afraid?” Big mistake.

So, apparently, like every other guy these days it seems, he wants a threesome. However, UNLIKE every other guy… he wants it to be MFM. I was shocked! I mean, what guy actually WANTS that?!? I asked him why on Earth he would want that and he seems to have this idea (I’m sure it came from a porn somewhere, LOL) that it would be amazing for me and he wants to see me pleased. But I don’t want to do it and I’ve told him. I think it’s gross and creepy. But he still seems to think that this would make our otherwise pretty routine sex life (that’s a complaint for another day though) more exciting.

The only problem I see with that story, if he’s so concerned with seeing me pleased, why doesn’t it show in our sex lives? He LOVES being at the receiving end of foreplay, but is rarely on the giving end. He doesn’t like to try new positions and when he finds something that I like, he’ll just do it over and over again until it’s really not that great anymore. I really think that he is self conscious (he still hates being naked around me if we’re not having sex) and afraid that if he tries something new I won’t like it. It’s just frustrating… the only way to get better is PRACTICE!

Help! Why would my boyfriend come up with an idea like this and then refuse to drop it after I said no way? Please, Tuffy, I’m writing to you in hopes that you WON’T give me the answer I’ve gotten from so many others: He’s gay. We both have a lot of mutual gay friends, he knows that I am totally OK with it. If he was, he would tell me and we wouldn’t be dating… especially for 5 years. And if he were bi, it wouldn’t change my feelings about him at all, and he knows that too.

Please help!

-The Baffled Girlfriend

Dear Baffled Girlfriend,

He’s gay.

Okay, no, I’m sorry. That might not be true. Maybe. Possibly.

Here’s the thing: Wanting a MFM does NOT make him gay. Look, having a MFF wouldn’t make YOU gay, right?

It’s his refusal to drop the subject that makes me a little nervous, especially coupled with the fact that he hasn’t made much of an effort in the past 5 years to make you feel particularly good. I mean, talk about a selfish lover.

Here’s what I think you should do:

Sit down with him and have That Talk. “Honey, you gay?” “No, baby, no.” “No, for real real, not for play play.”

Have the talk and tell him you won’t get mad either way. And then–don’t get mad either way. If he’s gay, it really (REALLY) sucks for you, but you care about him and so you have to continue to care about him either way. Besides, if he is gay, wouldn’t you rather know now than after you’re married?

I hope he’s not gay, but, to be honest, I think he probably is. Best of luck to you, girl. I hope it turns out okay.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

1461615 Comments2008-11-25+17%3A00%3A35Sara+-+NYU on "Tuffy Luv Sez, For Real Real Or For Gay Gay?"

michael says:
Tue, 25th Nov 20088:12 am

umm, you forgot to mention the possibility that he actually just wants to see her be screwed.

some men are turned on by watching thier gf get nailed by another guy, and thats prolly what it is.

and you might want to mention how inconsiderate it is of her to blame everything on porn or society. Different people have different tastes. And it wasn't a big mistake that she asked him, it was a big mistake the way she reacted.

I suggest finding out what part of a MFM threesome sounds appealing to him. If it IS the watching, then maybe experiment with mirrors, pictures, or video tape. Maybe you could masterbate infront of him with toys. You might even be able to turn the toys over to him eventually, so he can get a taste for him making you happy.

And have you talked to him about how unhappy you are with your sex life? Have you actually said that you aren't being pleased?

And if he is gay/bi, i wouldnt blame him for not comming out, look what happened to him when he confessed his fantasy with you.

Thomas says:
Tue, 25th Nov 20088:23 am

Not so sure I would jump so quickly to he is, or has to be, gay. Sure MFM is not the standard guy answer to a 3-way, but I think it is a far cry from being gay. Just as you pointed out MFF would make the girl(s) gay under that logic. The relationship is 5 years old, some level of boredom could very well have set in. It certainly sounds like she is making every effort but they could all be in the wrong direction. Also little counter to your advice you say ask him if he is gay and accept whatever answer he gives you. Well you asked/pressed him what his desire in bed was and didn't accept that answer.

A simpler and less blunt way to approach would be to ask him how he would see the MFM 3-way going down. Does he plan on making out of the other guy? Going down on him? Etc. If that is the case, then yeah he could be gay, bi, or curious. If he just has this turn-on for seeing her with another man or finger-cuffing he most likely isn't gay. He currently sounds like he isn't satisfying her in bed so maybe he doesn't want to put in the effort of trying to satisfy her and another girl.

If my g/f came to me with the idea of the 3-way I am with the other 95% of males and would want MFF. If a friend of mine told me he had a 3-way with his g/f and it was MFM I wouldn't immediately assume he was gay.

Alex says:
Tue, 25th Nov 20089:55 am

Why is she being condemned for thinking he might be gay? I don't think that this would be her first assumption unless there were other factors, like Tuffy mentioned. Wanting a MFM three-way doesn't make him gay, but it could be a larger sign that he might be. Not very many guys would say that they wanted a MFM three-way, after all.

E says:
Tue, 25th Nov 200810:30 am

This is ridiculous. A LOT of men find it a turn on to see their girl getting nailed by someone else. Or it could be a dominant thing, with both guys going at her at the same time. Or maybe he wants to see her double-fisting. There are a lot (A LOT) of (really hot) possibilities. 'Gay' was not even on my top 10 list of ideas when I read this.

Tyler says:
Tue, 25th Nov 200811:20 am

Gay didn't come to my mind of top 10 ideas either. There's a possible turn on that he sees her as sex-craved if she's doing multiple guys.

I was listening to the lyrics of "I Kissed A Girl" the other day and thought to myself, if women are so desirable that even other women want to make out with them (despite having boyfriends), how on earth do they expect guys to be faithful? Yes, despite guys thinking girls making out is hot, it's still cheating, unless it's ok for him to make out with other girls or guys. Maybe he just wants to experiment on girls besides his girlfriend. But because of gender, the guy is considered scum and cheating. Now if the guy makes out with another guy, he's now gay. Either it's ok for everybody or it's not ok for anybody. If I saw my girlfriend making out with another girl at the bar, I would consider it cheating unless there was some discussion beforehand about what is 'ok' and what is not.

soap opera guy says:
Tue, 25th Nov 20084:05 pm

Ok, first of all he's not gay just a little conservative. (95% sure) He's probably just one of those guys who get all his ideas about women and sex from porn and his drinking buddies. The best thing to do is to just have a serious conversation about it. Tell him that his friends are idiots and the 11 inch dong in the movies would hurt you. If that doesn't work start trying to find the threesome guy. If that doesn't activate his caveman instinct nothing will. If all else fails you can still hook up with the threesome guy or maybe he'll become your new boyfriend. I did this once with a second girl and I ended up bonding with the other girl. It was like we saw a UFO togeather or something. We hooked up a couple of times after I broke up with my GF. Anyway, he's not gay just ignorant and I mean that in a good way.

Davis says:
Wed, 26th Nov 20088:26 am

I wouldn't assume gay from the MFM thing – a lot of guys are into that kind of stuff, and it definitely isn't wrong at all (actually it's mm-mm-good). But if he IS gay then… it's going to really suck for you. I was hooking up with this guy for about five months before he came out in front of all of our friends – who had no idea we were fucking. That night was possibility on of the worst of my life. My pillow has stains from my mascara, I was crying so hard into my pillow. Maybe it was just me, but him coming out was one of the hardest break-ups I've gone through… I hope it's easier for you!

Lorelei says:
Thu, 27th Nov 200811:41 am

Girl, I don't know who you are, but you are crazy.

Give that guy to me! I definitely know like a million other girls too who wouldn't mind being with two guys at once! Jeez.

sara says:
Sun, 30th Nov 20083:49 pm

What about the fact that he's nervous being naked around her? I think he's probably just sexually shy or possibly intimidated. He finally got the courage to tell u his fantasy so he's obviously trying to be a little bolder… just my thoughts

Crasha says:
Sat, 13th Dec 20083:05 pm

Uh, ever heard of double penetration?

JusHavinFunInAZ says:
Thu, 15th Jan 20098:58 am

If he wants an MFM, he’s probably straight, but curious to double pleasure her or himself. If he wants an MMF, he’s probably bi-curious, bi or gay in denial. I’d say he’s probably bisexual or bi-curious as most people are… big deal. Being bi does not mean you will sleep with anyone on two legs, it simply means you ACCEPT an attraction towards your own gender… not necessarily that you act on that attraction. If a girl is bi, everyone is like “COOL! That is so sexy and hott!” If a guy is bi, people go “ICK! OMG, you’re gay! Get away from me you f-g!”

Biphobia is ignorance… sexual orientation is FLUID, shifting along a continuum or spectrum if you will. Surprise… the facts are there are bi far more NON-100% straight or gay people than there are those on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Very few people on a scale of 0 to 100 as far as same-sex attraction actually fall into the 0 or 100 category, most fall somewhere in the 1 to 100.

A Parade Magazine article published several years back was “America, not so ‘straight’ after all” and in it they published a survey of men/women who were 20s-40s demographic that asked ‘straight’ women for whom would they secretly flip the other way with choices of the hottest female celebs… almost 90% of them said Angelina Jolie, while 60% said Shania Twain in a distant second… slightly over 10% would remain straight no matter whom was offered them. NEARLY NINE OUT OF TEN STRAIGHT WOMEN SAID THEY WOULD HAVE A SAME-SEX FLING. For the ‘straight’ men there was yet more shocking results… over 60% of men said they would sleep with Brad Pitt if they had the chance while George Clooney came in a distant second. America in their fantasies had already put Brad and Angie together before they ever were… no wonder we’re so fascinated with them as the world’s sexiest couple. However, we overlook the fact that NEARLY TWO-THIRDS OF STRAIGHT MEN SAID THEY WOULD HAVE A FLING WITH ANOTHER MAN. Thus, the article’s title. We are not so much of an either/or society, apparently, although we try to pin people into making such choices publicly, privately, we desire other options. Look at all the interracial couples these days… they’re pretty much accepted and there are plenty of blended families. So, why should it be that way with our sexuality?

If he openly admits his bisexuality to you, at least he’s being honest while most men are not… on Oprah a few years back, she shocked the world with a guest divulging over 40% of married men have some form of same-sex contact DURING their marriage. However, more recent sexual behavioral research puts the number half as much more… as high as 60 percent… men do so mostly for physical satisfaction. If women fail to put out or meet their needs sexually, they know where to go to have them met. Women, likewise have same-sex flings as well, but moreso to have their emotional needs met as well as physical. For men, it is simply a matter of satisfaction and some curiosity… there are many men who will allow another guy to please them orally or actually ‘top’ another guy and still call themselves straight with no attraction for a man… go figure.

Yet, knowing all the above, we still make ‘gay’ jokes and insults… go figure. It’s ‘unmanly’ for guys to be sexually involved together, so we have to be a homophobic or biphobic society to deflect those hypocritical criticisms or labelings. Someday, we may move beyond all that macho bullshit and be who we are, accepting of each, other no matter what our orientation is… someday.

patrick says:
Thu, 19th Feb 20096:53 am

he's not gay.

i guessing he'll want to um.. "spit-roast" you which will be from porn..

and in that type of sex the guy will be the dominate one and u'd pretty much do what they'd want (or so he's hoping)

and tbh that idea could be quite satisfying.

and the way he dosent like to give, just takes could also tie in with wanting to be in control.

steve abrams says:
Thu, 2nd Apr 20091:05 pm

I think it is a dirty thing to do a mmf.

nasty dirty thing, exciting too

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