Pillow Talk with Diana: “He Freaked Out When I Said I Wanted a Relationship!”

December 2, 2008 Posted in Advice, Reality, Relationships, Sex

Q: I was dating a guy for a month when a conversation about one of his friends turned into a talk about “us.” It hadn’t been anything serious, but I said I think that seeing each other as often as we did, it really should evolve to a relationship. The boy panicked.

By Diana

This is someone who called me half the time, took me for a fancy dinner on my birthday, WANTED to hang out, asked that I not hook up with others (and I know he wasn’t either) and actually liked me, and yet, there he was telling me he could never be a boyfriend to anyone right now and that maybe we shouldn’t hang out anymore. It was actually a really disturbing freak-out. We haven’t spoken since. What gives?

A: Oh man, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? He’s totally into it, but bolts when we try to take the natural step forward.

I’ve never been a great mind-reader so I decided to take your question to someone who might have a bit more insight into the male mind–my boyfriend. So what’s up with a guy that wants to act like a boyfriend until you actually say the word “boyfriend”?

Boyfriend Adam says: “The whole “I can’t be a boyfriend to anyone” sounds like a cop-out–it’s ambiguous and that’s probably on purpose. It’s possible that he really does have something going on in his life, but I don’t know why he wouldn’t be more specific–and it seems like he could be a boyfriend to someone all month, before you said you wanted a relationship. He was acting like your boyfriend, regardless of whether or not he called it that. It sounds like for whatever reason, he changed his mind. Either way, it’s a lose-lose. Either he’s telling you the truth that he’s damaged goods, or he’s lying to you about why he can’t be a boyfriend to anyone, which isn’t a good indicator of any relationship to come. Finally–if a guy really likes a girl, he’ll figure out a way to make it work.”

I have to echo what Adam said, especially that last part. I hate to get all “he’s just not that into you” on you, but if there’s something I’ve learned over the past few years of dating, it’s to listen to what he’s telling you when he’s telling you he is unfit for a relationship. If he says he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, then he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship. Whether he doesn’t want one at all or he doesn’t want one with you–it doesn’t matter.

And it sounds like you already know that. We can try to figure out exactly what happened until we’re blue in the face, and we may never know. What we do know though, is that whether he’s really a mess and can’t be in a relationship, or he’s just giving you a lame excuse, the end result is the same. He would make a bad boyfriend. And when you’ve only been seeing someone for a month, you want that person to be excited to be in a relationship with you. You shouldn’t have to drag them into it, kicking and screaming.

You weren’t out of line to expect your situation to evolve into a relationship–in fact, given what you told me, you already were in a relationship with him. He just didn’t want to call it that, and that’s his loss.

Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!

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147128 Comments2008-12-02+17%3A00%3A06Diana+-+NYU on "Pillow Talk with Diana: “He Freaked Out When I Said I Wanted a Relationship!”"

Jen says:
Tue, 2nd Dec 20089:34 am

Let him go!! I was pretty much dating a guy for two months who told me straight up that he didn't want a girlfriend. So I told him straight up that I didn't want a you know what buddy. I walked away and we didn't talk for two months. UNTIL I ran into him while I was out with some friends and he offered up an oscar-worthy apology and asked me out on the spot. We've been dating ever since. Not that that's always the way it turns out, but it's best to just walk away.

Hannah says:
Tue, 2nd Dec 200812:45 pm

Guys are soo lame, this happened to me. I asked if we were offical after 4 months, even going on a family holiday for us, he freaked said things were moving too fast, and just wanted to be friends. Bumped into him a few weeks back asked me out for dinner luckily I now have a boyfriend who actually wants to be with me. I've never felt so good shutting that douche bag down! haha!

Sam says:
Tue, 2nd Dec 20084:33 pm

This just happened to me last month.. I was dating a guy for 2-3 months, we were “boyfriend & girlfriend” for a few weeks, then he backed off saying he felt like he was rushing ME (lol) & then we kept seeing each other, and sleeping together, basically doing everything except being “officially” together.

Anyways, I had a few guys take me out on dates and I think he realized I wanted something official and freaked.. he freaked because he saw he was going to lose me if he didn’t get serious and he freaked because he didn’t want to.

Jacks says:
Tue, 2nd Dec 200810:24 pm

Seriously, let him go…I said “OK” when the last guy I really liked told me that, hooked up with him on and off for a year, and got hurt in the long run because he never changed his mind (obviously)…I know you like him, but get out now!

Megan says:
Thu, 11th Dec 20082:03 pm

OMG, this totally just happend to me last weekend! Here is the situation. I met my guy years ago and lost touch with him, we final met up again 6 months ago right after both of us had finished long term relationships (his was 3 years, mine was 5). We started dating casually and he immediatley said that if we were going to date then he didn’t want either of us seeing other people, but he wasn’t ready to be my BF yet either. So, things have progressively been getting more serious over the past 6 months, then on Sunday night we got totally drunk and I told him I was madly in love with him, and said that he was too, then started talking about children, etc. for a few hours, even when he asked me to stop I still didn’t because I was so drunk. I only half remember parts of the convo because I was so drunk. Well he wanted to talk about it on Tuesday night and said that I “Terrified” him with the comments I made the night before and had a right to know how I really felt. I said I cared about him deeply, but was not in love with him yet, that takes time and I have been only in love once. I also said that when I get as drunk as I was that I can exagerate A LOT. I said that I never think about children with him yet (which is true) and that I was happy about how slowly we were taking things. I said he should base his reaction on how I have treated him over the past 6 months rather than 1 night and if this is how I truly felt then there would have been no way for me to hide those feelings. He still seemed skeptical and now I haven’t heard from him since that talk which was 2 days ago now. We usually at least text every day. I think I have lost him

Gwen says:
Fri, 19th Dec 20081:06 am

Megan I suggest never getting drunk again and bringing up children, gawh.

But screw that guy and startover.

Dave says:
Tue, 23rd Dec 20087:25 am

Megan.. he could just be mulling things over.. it hasn't been very long.. just a couple of days. I've planned on spending a day alone to think about things and then got busy and ended up not finding time to reach the girl I was talking to because I knew that I'd want to talk about how I felt and knew it would be a longer conversation. Yeah.. being too busy to call sounds like a little bit of a stretch but when something serious has been brought up sometimes I try to find a larger chunk of time when I'm alone to make a call or I try to meet up with the person and at times it can be a little harder to find that time. I wouldn't jump the gun just yet.. but still keep in mind that this is just what's happened to me a few time before. I wouldn't spend much time trying to think up an excuse for him and end up making a chump out of yourself. It can be a bit hard to think things through straight when you have feelings for the person and so much of you just wants it to work out well.

Kate says:
Sun, 12th Apr 20095:35 am

OMG!!! this just happened to me! I just don't understand what went wrong but I guess his loss right?…sniff*

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