Sexy Time: Condoms Say A Lot About a Man

December 4, 2008     Posted in Relationships, Sex

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By Elizabeth

[For many of us, sex and college go together like Uggs and snow - you can’t have one without the other. So, we brought in one of Berkeley’s finest sex columnists, Elizabeth, to start a dialogue about the topic (and act) that is very near and dear to our hearts. Every Thursday she will get your day goin’ with a little somethin’ somethin’ that’s on her mind.]

Rubber, love glove, cock sock, willie warmer…the list goes on and on. When it comes to condoms, girls tend to believe in two distinct condom states – he either has one or he doesn’t have one. To guys, however, condom choice is a highly personal selection. The condom he chooses reflects various aspects about his emotional (and physical) attributes. Think of it as his sexual zodiac sign of sorts. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the pick up line, “So, what’s your sign?”

The Magnum: You know what they say about guys with big condoms….Big egos. Whether he is XL or not, this guy wants to be sure that you think he’s got the goods. Now I’m no expert, but I’m guessing about ½ of all guys that own Magnum condoms use them for decoration only, not for any functional purpose. Unfortunately for him, if it’s all purely for show, odds are his bluff will be called by the time the night is through.

The Coscto Size: One time when I was hooking up with some guy he had to run downstairs to borrow a condom from a friend (more embarrassing for me or him, I’m not sure). When I went back the next weekend, there was a jumbo pack of condoms sitting at eye level right next to his bed. Now I understand if he wants to pick up a stash to prevent future humiliation, but does he really need to make the trip to Costco to buy a 200-pack of condoms? Usually, the Costco guys get a little ahead of themselves. Just calmly remind him that no, you will not be having sex with him four times a day for the next two months.

Her Pleasure: Awww how nice. He wants you to enjoy yourself. Or he wants you to think that he wants you to enjoy yourself so that you’ll put out and then he’ll get to enjoy himself. Damn are they confusing.

Female Condom: I have personally never had the pleasure of an awkward female condom proposition, but I would take it as a sign that this guy wants me to do all the work. If faced with such a situation, I would probably give him a polite death stare while naming all of the things I do in the name of sex: take a daily pill, keep in shape, deal with cramps, childbirth….

Extended Pleasure: Well this guy just wants to keep on going and going and going…(okay, sorry for the tacky Energizer bunny reference.) I’m guessing that he is either insecure about his performance time or he wants to make it last in fear that he won’t get to bone you for awhile/until you get out of class.

Pleasure Pack: Variety is the spice of life, and this guy knows it. These tend to be my favorite guys – they’re spontaneous and I know they’re not lying about their intentions via their condom decisions. Is he gonna whip out the her-pleasure or the glow in the dark? I’m not sure, but at least I won’t need a mood ring or a crystal ball to be able to tell how he’s feeling that day…

16 Comments on "Sexy Time: Condoms Say A Lot About a Man"

  1. Jess says:
    Thu, 4th Dec 200811:38 am 

    Yeah, I have to say this is a little harsh on guys. Almost all of these are negative! Just enjoy what you're doing with your guy.

  2. XP says:
    Thu, 4th Dec 20081:16 pm 

    TSK TSK TSK. Sounds like a strung out feminist who isn't getting any (or her toys have dead batteries and her hands have RSI/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, or it's PMS or PMDD) so she has to dump on guys! real mature….NOT!

    ya need to grow up just a little bit before you do publish any more sex related articles!

  3. Danyell says:
    Thu, 4th Dec 20083:24 pm 

    my boyfriend uses magnum and its not to show off. my boyfriend happens to have an 8.5 inch penis when hard. therefore, he needs a bigger condom, so it will actually fit.

  4. XP says:
    Thu, 4th Dec 20085:39 pm 

    Danyell: the author doesn't care else she wouldn't have said what she said. Frankly she sounds like a pissed off women who hasn't had sex in awhile and has decided to put down guys to make herself feel better. which is a sign of insecurity. kinda sad really. ain't none of my business but I'm sure you have no complaints about your guy's performance or his size! lol

  5. Tyler says:
    Fri, 5th Dec 20084:23 am 

    Hmm, my local Costco does not sell Condoms buy the 200's. 3 packs of 16, for a total of 48. Given a 2 year expiration date. I tend to think it makes sense. I come to this site to get away from writing like this. Most sites 'for guys' are either too metro or have petty remarks in them like this article. So there's something wrong with a guy who buys any type of condom…unless it's the variety pack. But, following the tone of this article, perhaps that suggests that he doesn't know what he wants in life, or he has multiple personality disorder, or that he's simply indecisive and can't make up his mind.

    Well here's an answer, if you are being picky about the condom, why don't you bring them instead? Having said that, as a guy, the difference between condoms is MINIMAL. The difference in feeling between condom and no condom is HUGE. So men, yes do pretty much buy condoms based on women. So far, the Trojan "Intense Ribbed" (bright yellow package) seems to do a little something extra for her compared to others.

  6. kayjoe says:
    Fri, 5th Dec 20086:40 am 

    my godd.

    stooopppp!

    this is HER blog and she can write about whatever she pleases.

    but seriously do you guys need to have a whole LIST of comments to reiterate what the first one said?

    besides.

    i think it's pretty true.

  7. Christopher says:
    Fri, 5th Dec 200810:27 am 

    Thanks for making me self conscious about one more thing.

  8. carla says:
    Fri, 5th Dec 200811:21 am 

    what about durex's? haha

  9. thegr8brownie says:
    Sat, 6th Dec 20084:07 am 

    what about ribbed, or twisted, or tropical, or ultra thin, or lamb skin?

    maybe this post was supposed to be more funny than serious, but people seem to be taking this very personal!

  10. Skye says:
    Sun, 7th Dec 20081:02 pm 

    sorry But if a guy has anything other than Durex, trojan, or the kimono brand then he isnt getting any. I hate cheap condoms it says he doesnt give a shit. Specially lifestyles… Really you KEPT the one they passed out from orientation!!!

  11. Star says:
    Tue, 9th Dec 20086:54 am 

    Come on guys, you all miss the point of most of these blogs. They're supposed to be FUNNY, like humor. You know? It's that thing that most people who come to this sight lack.

  12. Fritz says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 200811:52 am 

    Pleasure Plus. Best condom I've ever used.

  13. jss says:
    Tue, 16th Dec 20089:54 am 

    We don't use condoms magnums are to expensive

  14. Jake says:
    Mon, 22nd Dec 20089:16 am 

    I go for Durex Love (great thinness, fit and shape) or Durex Her Sensation (which amazingly actually smell nice, as opposed to just latexy nastiness).

    http://factsandfriction.blogspot.com/

  15. Darenth says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20082:10 pm 

    WOW

    yea totally agree, I actually enjoyed reading this article. Probably my favorite, lol

    I love the author's perspective in condoms relation to guys..Its hilarious.

    I was literally cracking up while reading the article, especially "her pleasure" lol

    I love the sense of humor put into this :p

  16. Smart ass says:
    Tue, 3rd Feb 20099:44 am 

    What about the guy who uses a makeshift condom out of barbed wire and silly putty? Does he get points for creativity, or lose extra points for lack of being a usable condom??

    Funny analysis overall, and due to the massive egos of many men its true in most cases. I use magnum too, but not because im a 9in behemoth, but because I'm a modest 7in guy whos too thick for standard condoms…. they HURT… ouch. In the end though, ive heard plenty of women who actually enjoy a 5in guy over an 8 or 9 just because they know what theyre working with and really put the work into making sure the woman is satisfied. So far, my wife has enjoyed several years of great sex with my 7 and hasnt complained a bit.

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