He Said/She Said: How Do Guys Move On So Quickly?

December 10, 2008 - 4:00 pm By CC Staff

crying.jpg

We all know that women tend to be a little more emotional than men, but when it comes to break ups, shouldn’t everyone be a little hurt? Shouldn’t both parties be at least a little emotional?

Why then does it always seem like the guys are moving on so much faster? While we sit home and watch sad movies and listen to sad music as our friends force feed us, our guys are out at the bar with their friends picking up chicks and having a grand ole’ time.

How can they get over it so quickly? Are girls – even serious girlfriends – that disposable and easy to move on from? I asked one of my boys for the lowdown. His perspective may not make you feel better, but it does explain a lot.

move-on-1.jpg

move-on-2.jpg

move-on-3.jpg

move-on-4.jpg

move-on-5.jpg

 

44 Comments   Posted in Advice, Relationships
Share this on Facebook
  Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
44 Comments on "He Said/She Said: How Do Guys Move On So Quickly?"

  1. Darcy says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20084:33 pm 

    This is really spot on. Not that I have a set of manjunk, but I’m close enough to a lot of guy friends to have heard this before.

    I particularly like your friend saying that when guys fall in love, they fall so much harder, that’s something that’s less of a common knowledge than random sex being breakup therapy. But I think it’s important for more girls to realize that guys function much differently on an emotional level than they do.

  2. Carla says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20084:35 pm 

    hahaha! well tht helped me out a heck of a lot. just ended a nearly 4 year relationship. and i heard tht my ex has been slutting around, dont mind. i know he still has something there for me. havent spoken to him for 3 months but he sent me a text a while back of a song, run by snow patrol. pretty deep but thts just admiting tht he hasnt really moved on. poor guy. i havent either, but am not sleeping around with any random guy i see, i still have my dignity. and sooo glad i do! haha, i feel like ive got the upper hand =D

  3. Sarah says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20084:52 pm 

    I just broke up with my boyfriend. Well, I hope it’s official because I am weak and have tried to break up with him before but he makes me feel guilty and…blah. We’ve been off/on since May though, so not too long.

    Anyways, I’m the one wanting out and it’s not bothering me, but he’s depressed about it. I feel like a bitch. :(

  4. belle says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20085:36 pm 

    i agree with the line of thinking that guys are like fires and girls are like ovens. guys fall in love hard (and in my opinion quickly) but can be put out more quickly also. girls take a while to warm up but stay hot (in love) for longer after its been turned off.

  5. emily says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20085:52 pm 

    i dont know if i totally agree with this. maybe my friends are just weird, but i feel like, in general, most of my girls have gotten over their break ups quite well. most of the boys on the other hand, took a while to get over the girl. some even begged to get her back (it was successful so i cant hate)

    i think it really depends on who did the dumping and why. although i will admit that most of my heart broken guy friends did go out and try to meet at least one girl to get over her. but hey, so did my girls!

  6. Lauren says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20085:57 pm 

    I really liked this! I was especially suprised about what the guy said about how guys fall in love, I thought that was really sweet and wouldn’t have guessed that at all

  7. Nikki says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 20088:46 pm 

    Thanks for writing this! I do agree that girls take a longer time to move on… I know I did. And guys do hook-up or get another girl just like that after a break-up, probably to hide their feelings or something like that. It does suck though, cos it makes us girls feel like the guy we broke up with literally doesn’t care about the way we feel…

  8. Mac says:
    Wed, 10th Dec 200811:03 pm 

    first off…for the comment above… the guy you just broke up with, what about how he feels? you want him to consider you feelings yet you just dumped him. chances are your feelings are not the feelings he is worried about.i dont mean it rudely, just bein honest.

    now…

    he’s right. totally spot on.

    we dont always admit it but its something we cant help, how we fall in love.

    a lot of guys dont trust girls, and it makes it harder for us to really fall in love. and when we do we fall A LOT harder. now of course not every guy finds it hard to trust women but if he has been through anything remotely rough in his life he is bound to be slightly jaded. honestly can you blame us? but when it comes down to it we do have feelings, we do care about your feelings that’s why we let ourselves love you in the first place. being in love means we have to depend on someone, our partner, to be in it 50-50 with us and unfortunately for a lot of guys when we get dumped we feel like we have lost quite a bit, not only are we missing that bond we had with someone before but we also dont feel very independent cause we are used to relying on that other person. we let a girl in and now that we dont have her we feel really weak and thats not easy for a guy to take. not being in control over our emotions is not easy for us. honestly we dont like to know we can be hurt and most guys try everything (including having random sex) as a way of regaining that independence and making ourselves feel like we can move on. not every guy does it though, some do and some of us have other ways of dealing with stuff.. it all depends on the type of person he is and what other things life has thrown him. we actually are a lot more emotionally complex than we get credit for lol. we just dont like to come off as complicated, but then again there are those guys out there that just go out and want to have random sex to get over it. even though thats not my style after a long relationship im not one to judge cause ive seen best friends do this and they are not any less of a good person because of it. but the whole thing about how we fall so much harder is VERY true.

    girls fall faster, guys fall harder. its not easy for us to just forget about it and lots of guys figure that the more girls we are with the less we will think about you.

    i randomly ended up here cause i’ve been searchin for twister bed sheets and ended up here after a few random clicks and now i just babbled on about this… haha wow

  9. Jon says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 20081:07 pm 

    Girls- This guy was def speakin real. I’m really picky in who i choose to be with and have only been in ‘true’ love once. I met her 3 years ago and we ended things over a year ago but have stayed ‘friends’ as we can tell each other everything and still talk way too often. Bottom line: hes moved on emotionally, i haven’t. i still and as far as i can see, will always think shes the ONE… so in a sense, i wish i could move on as easy as GIRLS!

  10. Sarah S. says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 20081:50 pm 

    I’m going to have to be the only one who disagrees with this article. I’m not saying that the majority of men don’t move on faster than women, but my particular case is the complete opposite of what was described. I think every person deals with break-ups in their own way, and to make the sweeping statement that women can’t move on quickly is just false.

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half…it all happened very quickly, and he’s the one who can’t move on. I’ve already got a new boy lined up (not meaningless!) and my ex has lost 15 pounds and a whole lot of sleep in the past few weeks. I’m feeling a bit like the man in this situation, or my ex is just a “weird pussy dude” as described above. Haha…oh well. Maybe that’s why I left him!

  11. Ryan says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 20082:06 pm 

    I’m a “weird pussy dude.” I can’t deal with the sudden, abrupt halt in a relationship that I was emotionally invested in. To me, it gets harder to deal with the aftermath of a breakup, and I know its going to be a long time before I can be comfortable in an intimate relationship.

    I think what hurts the most is that she’s so stoic about our relationship, while I am an emotional wreck wondering WTF? Its disturbing to me that people can move on so quickly from a seemingly meaningful relationship.

  12. Victor says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 20085:49 pm 

    Well the truth is that it all depends on the situation, some guys will always look for a rebound the weekend following a breakup, some “weird pussy guys” may never touch a bar until they’ve watched all of their ex’s favorite movies (note: I’ve never known a guy like this, sorry) and in most cases it’s just a random occurence. Odds are if you’ve had an ex like either of the first 2 examples you either dated a douchebag or a pussy, and you shouldn’t be surprised to hear of their actions following a breakup.

    As for the middle-ground, (I think I’d probably be found there) it just depends. Out of 6 important break ups (longer than 6 months relationship) I’ve gotten a rebound twice within two weeks after a relationship. If I happen to find a girl shortly after a breakup, it’s not an insult to the ex. I’m just not going to retire my penis. I try to get back to “business as usual” mostly because I don’t like people that mope around, I don’t wanna be around them, and i don’t wanna be one of them. That being said; I’ll try not to have an obvious revenge PDA in front of the ex out of respect. (Can’t say the same respect is shown by the fairer sex in the examples seen from friend’s ex girls)

    I understand some of you might not like what i’ve said, but i hope you can appreciate how truthful i’ve been, and so I ask one big request from you ladies who’ve read this. Please don’t just make out with a guy when you see us in a bar or out in public simply out of spite. It’s shallow and it obviously makes us mad. Face it, guys are possessive, even after a breakup, and while we realize your not going to give up sex after having the best (haha) We just don’t want to know about it right away. I’ve never told someone about a new girl with the intentions of my ex finding out, but I heard it all too much on the other end. It’s shallow, it’s lame, and it’s classless. I smile when i think of some of the relationships that ended well, I respect those girls and do not regret those the time i spent with them.

    Be remembered with a smile, I hope I’ve been.

  13. longrelationship says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 20087:51 pm 

    It kinda makes me sad to read that when a guy really falls for a girl..he falls hard. Makes me wonder if my 5 year relationship with my bf is all meaningless. He claims he loves me..but I don’t think he fell HARD for me at all. He actually treated me better at the start of our relationship when it was just sex sex sex. I dunno..maybe HE functions differently than other guys. Blah…

  14. Ryan says:
    Thu, 11th Dec 200811:27 pm 

    I think everyone in relationship get a little complacent with how they treat each other. Its not until someone is fed up with the situation and has decided to move on do we appreciate what’s been there the entire time.

    I wouldn’t characterize the bereavement process as “moping” so much as coming to terms with it emotionally. Fucking to forget is ignorant, but maybe that’s just what I need right now.

  15. Kath says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20088:41 am 

    So… it is all very interesting what you all said here. I just got out of a long distance relationship (10 months) but it was the first serious thing for me, and even though it’s been a month since I saw the guy I still think he was the One for me. He broke up for reasons like “i need to grow up” and “i want to see what else is out there”.

    I think that it is worst when people don’t realize how their actions can affect the other person’s capability of moving on. Me for instance, the first 3 weeks after the break up I talked every now and then to my ex, and even though in the beginning he was like “this is definite, i am not gonna give you false hopes, etc” he started then saying that he would like to maybe try again in March when he figures some stuff out, but again, that I should not hope for too much, and that he would want for me to not hook up with anyone and so on (but still didn’t say we would for sure get back together, just that if he feels like it then maybe).

    Long story short, I got pissed, and unfortunately behaved not really classy, saying how I actually had a date later that evening. My ex after that decided he would not talk to me anymore, and when I apologized for my silly behaviour saying that it was all because I was also not over him, he said he would think about our future. And then my best friend made him promise he would not bother me at all till March, to what he agreed.

    And now you can see why my situation is effed up. I want to move on, but I still think he was the One. I want to think his decision was definite, but he has changed his mind so many times in the past that I have no certainty he will not come beging for me in March. I wanted to be slutty and was for a little while, but now I am just a lame depressed girl waiting for something that’s not gonna happen. And how he’s coping? No idea, cause he lives like 1500 miles away from me so I don’t even know if I have reasons to wait or if I should just forget him altogether.

    God, that was long. Sorry, but I just wanted to get that out of my system.

  16. Balln G says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 200812:20 pm 

    Probably cause we never give a shit about you in the first place. that makes it pretty easy.

  17. Sven says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20084:59 pm 

    I start having random hookups before the relationship ends, so you have to understand it varies from person to person.

  18. jtb-in-texas says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20085:42 pm 

    Granted the above seems right; but there is more.

    Men tent to be more about the physical… That’s why the Bible tells men specifically to love their wives (and sacrifice himself for her)… We tend to treat them like appliances… Toaster breaks you get a new toaster… but the calluses we build on our spirit never heal…

    OTOH, there is something in women that makes them want to be the boss and push their man around, hurting his pride and what not… The Bible tells women to submit… BUT it’s got to be an —->equal

  19. jtb-in-texas says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20085:44 pm 

  20. jtb-in-texas says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20085:45 pm 

    (Continued)

    equal

  21. jtb-in-texas says:
    Fri, 12th Dec 20085:45 pm 

    (Continued)

    partnership or it can’t work. Women who don’t learn become bitter and the cycle repeats over and over… faster and faster…

    This is what dating is *really* about: the man practicing how to sacrifice his pride so he can love, and the woman learning how to build it back up for him. If both partners spend their time building up the other, there won’t be a breakup. At least not as you’ve pictured above.

    Some folks never get it right. ;-)

    If we’re lucky (or blessed), we learn before we hurt too many people (and ourselves). It’s really maturity that lets us put another person in front of ourselves. And I was blessed to marry a woman smarter and wiser than myself.

  22. bahhumbug says:
    Sun, 14th Dec 20083:58 am 

    This whole article was really good for me to read. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me about 2 1/2 months ago, and I’m still having a pretty rough time. We haven’t communicated at all, which has been SO hard. Honestly, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life is have to tell myself “no” whenever I want to call or go see him. It’s like getting over some sort of addiction… cold turkey effing sucks. Anyway, I’m getting off course here! The article was great because it makes me see that even if I hear that he’s in a new relationship or hooking up with other girls, I can take comfort in the fact that he’s probably doing it just to get over me. Or, it could also be that he never really loved me. I like to think it’s the first though lol.

  23. Kath says:
    Sun, 14th Dec 200810:09 am 

    re: bahhumbug

    I totally understand you girl. I guess it’s much easier for me cause my ex lives in another country so no possiblity of seeing him any time soon. However even erasing his phone number from my cell was hard. It helps that my best friend encouraged him to not to contact me during the next 3 months so I try to stick to what she said and be strong as well. If something happens after the 3 months at least I will know it’s not just mine or his fresh grief talking.

    And regarding the article, I tried being slutty for the first month since the break up but it didn’t help me at all. I still feel like I would do anything to be with my ex again and that no man in the world could stop me from feeling this way. I already had random hook ups with 3-4 different guys but it always ended on making out in the club cause I could not sleep with them, and later I would just go home, totally depressed. I am a total mess. It doesn’t help that I have an ED so I either starve or binge, as if it would help me to get over him.

  24. amber says:
    Fri, 19th Dec 20082:25 pm 

    Ok, so about 2 months ago my husband of ohhh…7 months, told me he doesnt love me anymore and wants to end the whole thing. We’ve been together for 5 years. I dont know if he’s done ‘the wierd pussy guy’ role yet. But I definately played the role of the girl that can’t eat or sleep and lost wieght from everything. I’m going to have to agree with a few of the other comments where they stated he either never fell that hard for you, or he was a pussy. I think it was a bit of both. You dont just ‘fall out of love’ in 7 months, after being together for 5 years. I mean, do you? He is retarded for committing if he never really felt that way.

  25. Jon B. McGeehan says:
    Fri, 19th Dec 20089:30 pm 

    As a guy I can tell you that we live in a very complex world. We have all the same feelings that the fairer sex has,but we are not allowed to own them. We fall in love madly,intensly,insanly,but we cannot ever talk about it,show it,or feel it unless in complete privacy.

    Do guys move on faster…..NO. We hurt to the point of insanity. The love,care,and protection we feel for “Mrs. Right” is geneticly hard-wired into us. We can’t escape it the same way as we can’t escape gravity,but we are not allowed to hurt, nor display any type of weakness.

    We still live in the cave in our minds. If a woman is “ours” then that is because we were chosen by her to be the fittest of the males in the tribe/cave-group.

    When we are “broken-up” this is to a male the same as saying that we are not the fittest,not the strongest,not the bravest,not worthy of procreation on the simplest genetic level. Hurt and insult can go no deeper than to this depth.

    Again,we are not allowed to show this perceived weakness,so we have to “man up” and we bury the hurt somwhere deep in our core,and then go to the neighbourhood tavern and get smashed out of our minds for a few weeks straight. Somewhere in this process of being “manly” by being drunk on such a consistant basis,we make some bad choices,and eventually end up going home with someone.

    This isnt intended as an act of defiance(unless you asked us that question in public) this is an act of desparation,and pain so deep,so heartfelt,that the average man will do anything(or anyone!!) to get away from it,even if it is only for a night.

    So the bottom line is “Do we ove on faster?” the answer is “No”….al you have to do is to open a newspaper anywhere on the planet,and you will see love-crime, after love-crime to back me up.

  26. lauren says:
    Sun, 21st Dec 20084:07 pm 

    this was very insightful. I’m still coping with a break-up from my boyfriend of 3 years. It’s true when he fell for me he fell hard, but he seems to be getting over me much more easily. this opened my eyes to a lot.

  27. sara says:
    Sun, 21st Dec 20087:25 pm 

    Kath- omg I feel like we are in the same situation.

    I dated my guy for 10 months, and I guess I really got too comfortable and took him for granted. I broke up with him for another guy, and wouldn’t get back together with him despite his desperate begging.

    The second guy and I didn’t work out, and he dated someone else also. We go to schools far away, and didn’t see eachother or talk for 4 months. Before Christmas break we have been talking again he even said he wanted to give it another shot and was treating me really well again. We hung out the other day and NOW today he texts me and says he thinks we’re a bad idea.

    He keeps leading me on and I feel like he used me, even if it wasn’t intentional. I’m DEFINITELY not over him, even when we’re far away he’s all I think about and I wish I never ended things. I wish he’d just make up his mind for good and quit giving me false hope =/

  28. Ryan says:
    Mon, 22nd Dec 20081:09 pm 

    Sara, I’m in a similar situation with my [ex]girlfriend right now. I know how frustrating it is to be constantly lead on and all of our conversations leave me built up with false hopes of staying together.

    Its really frustrating to care so much about someone who doesnt feel the same way. At some point I hope that I’ll get over her and be comfortable with downgrading our relationship to friends. I dont think that will ever happen because I care about her so much and I will probably love her forever.

    Speaking of, is anyone friends with their exes?

  29. Felicia says:
    Mon, 22nd Dec 20084:36 pm 

    I broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years in august. He begged me to take him back, said he couldnt live without me, please come back, I need you, blah blah blah. We had been having problems for about six months, and I figured it wouldbe eaiser to do when I returned to college, since him and I went to different schools.

    The sad/depressed/im going to killmyself phase lasted about 2 months. He would drive to my school, try to sendme flowers, call me al the time. Really creepy stuff.

    In about october, he began dating again. Now he is engaged to her. Do I believe he really loves her? Sure. Is he ready to marry her? I dont think so.

    This is just another example of how guys move on. Any thoughts on why he went crazy?

  30. Ryan says:
    Mon, 22nd Dec 20087:49 pm 

    I dont think all of that stuff he did to try and get you back was creepy. I think he didn’t know how to react and was trying to show you that you were worth fighting for. I don’t know the specifics, but there is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for my [ex]girlfriend.

    I don’t believe he is ready to marry her. I’d imagine he is projecting, trying to substitute her for you. Perhaps she is is similar enough to you that he’s comfortable enough to marry her, and is willing to work harder the second time to make things work out. Its more than likely a mistake, but only time will tell.

    Why no second chance for this guy? Sounds like you were having a difficult time coping, too.

    I can’t sleep or eat, and my girlfriend is all I think about. Nowadays, she just comes home from work and eats dinner alone while I watch, and then takes Ambien so she can sleep for the next 10+ hours. There is nothing worse than being ignored by the ones you love.

  31. Kath says:
    Thu, 25th Dec 20088:45 am 

    I am not sure you can really be friends with your ex. Not if it was true love and all that. It was my first big break up, actually all my friends were surprised that it was him who broke up with me, because they thought I would leave him first.

    It is funny how you can fall in love with a person you would never ever find attractive in a relationship kind of way (eg you see that the person is quite ridiculous and your friends say the same, but still you allow yourself to fall for this person, forgetting there will be a price to pay in the end).

    I think that it is only possible to be friends, if you were friends to begin with. Many relationships are based on how different you are, not how similar, and this, while it’s interesting and cool in a boyfriend, can be actually unbearable in a friend.

    Same with my ex. We were often teasing each other how many people around us want us, but we trusted each other, even though we were in a long distance relationship. But after we broke up, my bf was teasing me so I started teasing him, and then he blocked me on skype, msn and fb.

    Also when we were talking before, as a couple, we shared our views on life, what we would do to be together and how our like would be after we would start living together. But actually it was never a talk of friends who love each other. It was just a talk of two people who love each other and thus after we broke up we could not stay friends (at least not yet) because we were never friends to begin with.

    Last night he wrote a short fb comment on my best friend’s profile, saying that he was and still is silly. I wonder if he will really change his mind in the end or not. And I sometimes hate him for what he’s doing to me, because he leaves me hanging on. We do not talk, but all that he has said a few weeks ago still makes me hope and wish, even though I am not even sure we would be happy together in the end. But I can’t move on just yet. I just can’t, and it’s all thanks to his promises and lack of ability to make up his mind. Will I be waiting till March which was sort of his decision deadline? That’s the question of the hour…

  32. Ryan says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20082:18 am 

    Kath, let him go. The fact that he’s even putting a time table on a relationship with you is a sign that you’re not even a priority in his life. Detach, let go, and play hard to get. Have fun without him, and give him another chance if YOU feel like it, not if HE feels like it.

    The girl that I love will be moving to a different state in 15 days, and it’s the worst feeling in the world. Thankfully, she’s leaving and not having me hanging on words and feelings that she doesn’t necessarily feel. It hurts so much that she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but at least I’m not going to be living everyday in the hope of us getting back together.

    Fuck it, no one should tell you when and if you can love them. It should be mutual and amazing.

  33. Kath says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20088:13 am 

    Thanks Ryan. I know that’s the best solution and I am trying to have fun, meeting new people and all that. However, still there is a part of me that thinks- fuck, after all it’s better not to do anything totally stupid until March, cause after all it’s just 2 months, and all my life could be at stake here.

    But you see, I can be pissed, but I understand where he’s coming from. He met me at a time in his life when he just started getting to know the joys of life, and then after 2 months of amazing sex we just started being a serious couple. Considering that he lives in another country, we had to make serious decision right after we decided that we would actually like to be a bouyfriend and girlfriend. In March my ex is starting his training period- this is why this schedule. Cause work is his priority and I always knew that, but he just wants to know what else is out there for him and not to be limited by the fact of having me.

    And I can totally get that point of view, because before we broke up, I was often talking to my friends how I felt in a similar way. Me too, I also was afraid that I might be missing something big but will never know cause I found a husband so young in my life, and that maybe I should live some more and figure out if he is the one. Right now I do feel that he is, but the truth is that he will never be the one for me if I am not the one for him. It has to work both ways.

    This is why I will go and explore the world, even if my love for him is still there. And I will not bother him, not, unless any contact comes from him. I am being detached right now, but there is this part of me that after all still loves him. Even if he doesn’t give a crap, even if he doesn’t even deserve me, even if there are men who would be so much better for me…

    Aint that sad? A sexy, intelligent girl, whining after a guy like my ex… :P

  34. Ryan says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20084:40 pm 

    Hopefully it turns out for the best, Kath. All or nothing thinking can be dangerous, especially in regard to love. As a fellow romantic, I hope things work out for you.

    Sometimes its best to move on, and leave the past in the past. At some point later in life, if its really something that you both want, it will work out. I think waiting for something that may not even happen is emotionally crippling and frustrating. Being in a similar situation, I can identify with your rationale, but I believe the best path is leaving the past behind. I cant live the rest of my life comparing every girl I meet to my ex, knowing that its completely unfair and biased, when I could potentially be missing out on something more amazing. Personally, its a catch 22, but I can’t live the rest of my life in the shadow of a relationship that only exists in my mind. At least you have something to look forward to.

  35. Kath says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20087:36 pm 

    It is funny how this one article turned out to be some kind of broken hearts therapy for abandoned singles :P

    Anyway, thanks for the great insight Ryan, it would be cool to talk to you via e-mail or msn sometime, if you feel this way, let me know.

    I understand your point of view and I intend to follow it. I try not to live with false hopes, and I date other guys, have fun, party and all. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t take my ex back, but only on my conditions this time. I truly hope to find someone made for me, as I am a romantic, but I am not sure right now if it is my ex or if it is someone else that I might not have met yet.

    My personal view on this is similar to yours. I believe that waiting to go back to something old is totally stupid. However, I decided that I would really try to know myself right now, see what else is out there, focus on myself, so that if one day, in March or whatever my ex would actually change his opinion, I would know for sure if I realy want him back, or if it’s just my bruised ego/insecurities talking. I was confused and scared of our relationship before, and thus I have many regrets, so I need to know my needs and desires to be sure that he is what I really want in this life.

    And if we ever get back together, just like any oher couple who happens to give their relationship another try, I would advice myself to not treat it as a continuation, but as a new beginning. Two people who have decided that at this point of their lives they belong together again. It cannot be comming back to the old ways, trying to make something work that was broken in the past, but rather starting something new- new rules, new hopes and dreams. Only this way we could trust each other again and make this work this time. It’s good to learn from past mistakes, but that chapter of my history with my ex must be closed, so that another one could be started. And maybe we will never be together again, who knows. But the important things is to close that old chapter, breathe in some fresh air, not linger on something that’s already finished, even if it might happen that one day two people who parted would be together again- but that must be another story.

    My thoughts are probably quite chaotic, as it’s almost 2 am here, but my point is that you always have to finish something to be able to start something new. It doesn’t matter if this new thing would be with your old flame, or with someone totally different, or if you’d choose to be single for a while. It’s just important to give yourself a chance for a new beginning and something wonderful.

    And this is what I wish is gonna happen in your case, Ryan. I hope you don’t forget your old girl, but just remember her as a person who in some way helped you grow to be a man you are right now, and who was good for you at that time, but who maybe was not The One for you for the whole life. Most of our relationships build us and let us see something new, experience something important, but not always these relationships are meant to last forever. Sometimes they are just the basis for something great that will come one day, and this is why we can’t waste our lives on tears and “what ifs” and we also should not waste our lives on silly rebound girls/guys if it doesn’t lead anywhere. The healthy way is to just cherish what we got from our exes, people who used to be (and sometimes still are) very important in our lives, and truly believe in that statement:

    If something is meant to happen, it will happen eventually, and if it doesn’t happen, it means it was never meant to happen anyway.

    This is why my belief is that if my ex is the One for me, then I am the One for him, and he will realize it before it’s too late. And if he doesn’t… I guess we were never meant to be.

    Remeber guys, romantics such as us must to some point believe in Destiny. And Destiny does not leave loving hearts apart. We can act, help it by reaching out to our exes from time to time, every few months if we still feel the fire inside, but the Destiny will always find its way anyway.

    Lots of love and Merry Christmas!

  36. Ryan says:
    Fri, 26th Dec 20089:44 pm 

    I was thinking that this thread actually turned out to be extremely cathartic for me; not only through my writing, but others’ situations and experiences. I wish more people would post, but maybe they’re waiting for part two?

    Kath, feel free to contact me via MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/430977836

    I’m worried that my spiraling relationship will end in a similar fashion, where I strive to rekindle a dying relationship. At this point, its about what she wants in life and what I can do to help her get it.

    I was talking to my father about this, and he made a great point that the best friends that you’ll have in life are the ones that challenge you and make you grow into a better person. I think my ex really had an influence on who I am today, and I’m extremely happy that I even had any life experiences with her. I truly believe that the best is yet to come, but if she thinks there’s someone/thing better out there, than I hope she finds it. Hopefully I can focus on school and finding a decent, student friendly job after she’s gone, but I’m pessimistic.

    I particularly like your idea of a new beginning, and not defining it as a continuation of a previous relationship. I’ll have to save that paragraph somewhere for future reference.

    I am really trying to be the best person I can be while the world crumbles around me. I want to help, but I think I’m trying too hard and inadvertently smothering her. Sometimes I wish it were I who was moving so I wouldn’t have to watch her leave. Once you live somewhere with someone for several years, you change in unimaginable ways. In the past, it was significantly easier to deal with when I lived alone. I have an emotional attachment to everything in our home, and sometimes the memories are too much that I want to repaint and recarpet the entire 1600 sq ft, much less set it alight.

    Unfortunately, I do not believe in destiny or fate, only wishful thinking. I would like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but its not going to happen. I’m not even so sure I want it to happen after she let me feel this way. Im curious if she is capable of caring or beginning anew, but the only thing worse than feeling this way is feeling it twice.

  37. Kath says:
    Sat, 27th Dec 20087:03 am 

    For me it is also very helpful that I can actually talk about this with people who experience the same thing as I do.

    I don’t have much time right now, but one thing that you wrote made it impossible for me to ignore it and write back a little later. “The only things worse than feeling this way is feeling it twice.” You got the major issue here, something that I’ve been thinking about a lot and something that frightens me more than anything else in the world.

    It is possible that my guy would change his mind, of course… but as much as I wish for that to happen, I know as well that it might be for all the wrong reasons. He might be feeling depressed in a new job, maybe he will not find a rebound fast enough, or maybe he will just think that the relationship with me was making him a tiny bit more self-confident and happy than when he is without me and thus he might have some sudden breakdown and decide that he would rather be with me than be alone.

    I want to trust him and, as I wrote, in case of his come back start anew, however, will I ever be able to? Do I really want to make myself vulnerable again? I didn’t cry when he left me and after that, sometimes a single tear or two run down my face, but I haven’t let myself start crying for real. And yet I am sure that if he would ever take me back and then change his mind again I might not be able to hold back the tears and maybe even live through this (as childish as it sounds, that might be true).

    Right now I am holiding on, being strong, trying to feel optimistic. But if I would have to go through this for the second time it would be too much to take.

    Another problem is that even if I take him back with all my hopes to forget the past and treat it as a new beginning, who knows? Maybe eventually he would not be able to regain my trust, even if he would try realy hard, and therefore would break up with me again. And my emotional reaction would surely be not a tiny bit better than if it happend because he would be a bastard. It would be my fault, but would not make me feel any better.

    So yes, it is all very hard and sometimes I wish I knew what the future brings for me, because it would probably be so much easier to move on if I knew what the outcome of it all would be. I would also want to know if he still considers me as an option, or if I’m dead and gone for him already.

    But I will not know, cause the only thing I can do right now is to act as if I don’t care and do not initiate any action at all. It’s all hard, but this is the only thing I can do right now. Live, let live, and hope for the best outcome possible for me in the end.

    I only feel sorry for you, because me and my ex, we never really lived together. We lived together as a couple for a while in another country (about 5 months) and after that we would just meet in my contry and in his every 2 months. Altogether it lasted exactly 10 months and 2 days. I guess it is much easier for me to move on than it might be for you, if she left you after much longer time.

    However, on the other hand, I made changes in my life because of him. I started learning his language (which I have decided to continue after he left), made some arraingements to spend next summer in his country, and even will probably go there for my 4 months internship in September. All of it reminds me of him on a day to day basis, but I try to be happy, and maybe at least achieve something for myself for once.

    As I said. Sometimes I just wish I knew how he really feels and what are his thoughts about me, decisions, if I am still a possibility or just a nice memory. I wish I knew if he moved on, if he consideres me a toxic person and someone he would never ever want to be with again, or if maybe he does think of making his schedule happen. I have no idea, which breaks me every day.

  38. Scott says:
    Mon, 29th Dec 200812:02 am 

    I generally don’t get in relationships in the first place with women I can tell I wouldn’t want that bad. Most people aren’t that patient, men and women.

    Most people will take whoever is around to some extent, and hope someone better will come eventually. Some grow attached in the meantime. If you took whoever, just because they were around, it’s much easier to move on obviously.

  39. justcurious says:
    Tue, 30th Dec 20089:14 pm 

    So I understand that guys are capable of moving on really quickly in comparison to girls, but if you were in the position of the person the guy was “moving on” with, how would you be able to tell if it’s because he actualy likes you or if he is just trying to get over his ex? Or is it one of those things that you just have to go for and hope for the best?

  40. Ryan says:
    Tue, 30th Dec 200811:24 pm 

    Who knows? Perhaps its best to take it a little slow to ensure that he’s interested in you and not the rebound. I don’t think it would hurt to just ask. As a former rebound, it helped me to not get too attached knowing from the beginning that nothing was going to happen in the long term.

  41. justcurioius says:
    Fri, 2nd Jan 20097:10 pm 

    Thanks Ryan. See he’s told me he likes me but I’m not that sure. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and take a chance but my guard will be up. I’m probably just being too pessimistic about the idea…

  42. Ryan says:
    Tue, 6th Jan 20091:41 am 

    Everyone is looking for something better. Its just a matter of time before they think they find it.

    Don’t get emotionally over-invested and compartmentalize your life, and you’ll be fine.

  43. patrick says:
    Thu, 19th Feb 200911:39 am 

    men just don’t show there emotions and don’t like being alone. that’s is in short.

    thats why they dont cry and thats why they go for new girls really quickly.

    believe they are cut up inside.

  44. Lola says:
    Wed, 25th Mar 20093:36 am 

    I am so interested in this subject as I was just “dumped” after 10 years of absolute soul- searching love. Out of the blue! He screwed up and had to tell me he hooked-up with someone only because he thought he had and STD. At least that is my rationale. Thank you for the insight. It helps some!

Tell us what you're thinking...




COVER STORY

When Healthy Eating Becomes Unhealthy When Healthy Eating Becomes Unhealthy

Food. Body image. Health. Things we think about everyday. With ads on TV, in... 

The CC Weekly Weigh In: Advice To Our Younger Selves The CC Weekly Weigh In: Advice To Our Younger Selves

Remember when you were 13 and everything seemed like the biggest deal ever and “OMG... 

Sexy Time: Can Sex Be Too Good? Sexy Time: Can Sex Be Too Good?

I am having the best sex of my life. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing. He loves... 

Read More Posts From This Category

HAHA

Caption This: What Is Going On Here? Caption This: What Is Going On Here?

So many thoughts. Can’t form words. What is happening here? Give us a caption... 

We Can’t Get Enough Peen We Can’t Get Enough Peen

Not gonna lie…this summer hasn’t been the friskiest for me. And I know... 

Sex Education 201: The Stuff You Really Wanna Know Sex Education 201: The Stuff You Really Wanna Know

Back in the 9th grade when I was forced to take Sex Ed from a 79 year old man with... 

Read More Posts From This Category