Orgasmic Childbirth, My Ass

Childbirth is excruciatingly painful. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. But ABC’s 20/20 is going to broadcast a segment on a new documentary called “Orgasmic Birth,” about women who said that giving birth was one of the most ecstatic (and orgasmic) moments of their lives.

In the segment, to be broadcast on Friday, January 2nd at 10 pm, Tamra Larter says that she spent part of her labor for her second child making out with her husband! “The physical touch and the nurturing was just really comforting to me,” she said, “[The birth] was happening, and I could hardly breathe, and it was like, ‘oh, that feels good.’”

Um. Ew?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, OB-GYN, was interviewed by 20/20 and reported that it is possible to experience orgasmic childbirth, according to “basic science.” She says, “When the baby’s coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.”

With all due respect to Dr. Northrup, I’m not buying it. And I think it’s great that Ms. Larter was able to get it on during labor (Sidenote: what’s her kid gonna think when he reads that ten years from now?), but either she has a really, really high threshold for pain, a really big va-jay-jay, or they must have slipped her the epidural without telling her. Also, if your baby gives you an orgasm, isn’t that moderately incestual? Just sayin’.

I have no children at the moment, and I have never given birth, so I guess you could say, “don’t knock it till you try it.” But I believe childbirth may be the one thing that you really don’t have to try to knock.  So, here are just a few reasons why I’m not expecting childbirth to be orgasmic:

1. An eight-pound baby is way bigger than a penis.

It’s true that the kid will be coming out the same way his daddy’s manhood went in, but even if that dad were Ron Jeremy (ew, btw), the biggest penis in the world couldn’t possibly compare to the size and weight of a healthy newborn.

2. Empirical evidence suggests that sh*t hurts.

Again, if we’re talking about “basic science” here, let’s look at the evidence. I’m sure most girls have, at one point or another, spoken to their moms or trusted female adult about childbirth, what it’s like, and how it works. We had to find out about it somehow. And as the oldest of three children, I saw my mother go through two pregnancies. Let me tell you, it was not a great endorsement for procreation. Aside from the fact that “morning sickness” turned into “chronic nine-month vomiting” for her, she said giving birth was no cakewalk, either. I just called her to tell her about this story and see what her reaction was to the idea of “orgasmic childbirth,” and she said, “Those women are definitely on drugs.” How’s that for a primary source of evidence?

3. The sitting position of childbirth cannot be comfortable.

If the bed that they put you in is anything like those tables they put you on at the gyno’s office, it can’t be that comfortable. There’s no way I’d be having any sort of orgasm with my legs strapped to stirrups that high in the air and my back on a cold, hard slanted surface. Nope.

4. Too many hormones make me crazy, not excited.

Dr. Northrup also mentioned that “labor itself is associated with a huge hormonal change in the body, way more prolactin, way more oxytocin, way more beta-endorphins.” Sure, endorphins make you feel awesome, but too much of a good thing is usually not a good idea. Even when it gets to be that time of the month, we all get a little bit irrational. So with an event as hormonal as giving birth–even if I had every lower-body-numbing-shot in the doctor’s repetoire–I still think I’d be too loopy to enjoy the process. And with a natural birth, I can just imagine wanting to tear off the heads of everyone in the room. It won’t be a pretty sight.

5. I’m going to look like a hot mess.

No way I’ll be having an orgasm in a hospital robe with my sweaty hair plastered to my neck and forehead. Unless Victoria’s Secret comes out with a childbirth-attire line, I will probably be feeling about as sexy as I do after leaving the gym. The mood has got to be right for an orgasm, and that includes having the right setting and presentation. I’m not saying I need a silk bed of roses or anything, but when I’m feeling sticky and tired, it’s just not gonna happen.