Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: January Edition

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

By Kari

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates.

2. “Levels of the hormone oxytocin in a guy’s body skyrocket by 500 percent post- O, which deepens trust and makes him feel connected to his partner.”

Cosmo says: Capitalize on this biological reaction and boost his oxytocin by stimulating his nipples, giving him a massage and hugging him.

Kari says: When I’m trying to get my man to trust me ( to trust me that my opinion is the right one, or to trust me that yes, he does indeed want to buy me a present) it’s all about the subtlety. The boy can spot me trying to butter him up from a mile away. So rubbing his nipples spontaneously conjures images of hypnosis (“Look deeply into my eyes and focus on the circles being drawn around your areolae.) A massage would definitely cause immediate suspicion (he’s a skeptical guy). I guess the hugging thing would work, if I could just reach my hand far enough to grab his wallet out of his back pocket…

3. “When a guy is into you, he will subconsciously try to maximize the amount of space he takes up to assert his status and power.”

Cosmo says: “Look out for these clues: spreading his legs wide when seated. Stretching his arms out across the back of the chair. Hooking his fingers in his belt loops, elbows out.

Kari says: Bachelor number one better scooch on down the couch for me, because refining a lady friend to the corner of the cushion is most certainly not gonna win her over. Bachelor number two, I hope for your sake and hers that you have some high powered deodorant/antiperspirant combo. That much armpit exposure is embarrassment waiting to happen. And bachelor number three is clearly in need of a belt; that or he is a cattle rancher, according to the illustration Cosmo has provided.

4. “Certain types of strokes and caresses can actually make a guy fall harder for you.”

Cosmo says: Touch his hand while you laugh, rub the back of his neck while he drives, wrap your arm around his waist as you walk, tilt your head to rest it on his shoulder at a party.

Kari says: Those are not the certain types of strokes and caresses I had in mind. In fact, there’s only one that any girl really needs. I’m frankly surprised that you didn’t think of this as well, Cosmo.

5. “Researchers have discovered key differences in the way males and females digest info.”

Cosmo says: “Guys have trouble processing body language and words at the same time—the get all knotted up in their minds,” and “If you want your guy to remember something, tell him only the essentials, free of extraneous details.” For example: “Dog. Vet. 3:00.”

Kari says: Contrary to popular (or at least Cosmo’s) belief, not all men are incompetent morons. They can, in fact, both watch you talk and listen to you talk simultaneously (unless you’re naked). Additionally, if I told my boyfriend “Dog. Vet. 3:00,” he would more than likely miss the appointment as he struggled long past 3 to figure out what the hell I meant.

These are only some of the juicy facts that I found myself lol-ing at or arguing pointedly against with my girlfriends. For the full list, check out the January issue and let me know if you read anything that you just must beg to differ with!

[Photo courtesy of Just Jared]