Q: As I sit here writing this, I’m confused at every feeling I am possibly feeling.. I have this “friend” we will call Fred. I had the biggest crush on Fred, even though he has a kid (this just makes me a bit uneasy, I’m only 21. I don’t want to be tied down like that if things did progress, but I regress.) I liked him, but he never seemed to initiate anything, but via texts he was flirty.
Two or three months went by and I was in a relationship that abruptly ended. Since nothing had progressed with Fred I felt like he was just a platonic friend and vented to him. He was amazingly supportive and said everything I wanted to hear (i.e. he was a real jerk, I don’t know what you ever saw in him, you deserve better, yadda yadda…). Well this kind of opened my eyes to Fred more and I developed a bit of a crush on him again.
He started coming over to my apartment to watch our favorite tv show. The first time we did this, we made out, things started getting intense and I ended it. He came over again and we made out again, but my roommate was here, so nothing else happened. When he left, we kissed and he promised he’d call and come pick me up the next day.
His plans changed, so we didn’t get together (but he had a good excuse, if that matters), then the next day I sent him a text and he responded, but not as quickly as he normally did. Now comes today, I didn’t text him to see if he would text me and he hasn’t. Am I being paranoid or is he trying to shoo me off?
A: Ah, the text message cat-and-mouse game. I know it well and it’s frustrating as hell to try to decode what’s really going on. There’s no emotional torture that quite compares to that of the silent cell phone.
So do I think he’s trying to shoo you off because he didn’t answer your text as quickly as he usually does, and then didn’t text you the next day? Not necessarily, no. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re paranoid. I’m a strong believer in gut feelings and intuition, and I’ve often had a nagging feeling that a guy I was into was trying to blow me off, however subtly or nicely. I’ve usually proceeded to completely ignore those feelings, only to have them confirmed weeks later by said guy. So, generally speaking, I think that if you have a nagging feeling that something is off, then it’s not for nothing. But you need to be honest with yourself–is it really a gut feeling, or do you just have a tendency to take a pessimistic approach at the first sign, real or imagined, of a change in your relationship and habits with a guy?
That said, a late text followed by no text the next day could very well mean nothing. I remember getting upset that I was always the one calling my (now ex-)boyfriend in the evenings. It made me feel insecure, and when I brought it up to him and asked why he doesn’t call me, his response was “well, because I know that you’ll call me.” So if you generally are the one to initiate a text chat with your dude, then he could very well be completely unaware that his not texting you is sending you a message. Or he might have felt blown off when you put a stop to the hooking up. Or he might be wary of getting involved since he has a kid. It could a dozen different things.
The best way to get to the bottom of it, of course, is to ask. “Hey, so I’ve noticed we’ve recently been making out, what’s up with that?” Give him a chance to tell you how he feels about you before deciding for him. Good luck!
Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email email@example.com and we’ll tackle it next time!
[Photo courtesy of Dear Sugar]