Breaking News: Virginity Pledges Mean Nothing
In news that probably surprises none of us, a new study revealed that Virginity Pledges are to premarital sex as the pull-out method is to birth control. Meaning: they are 100% ineffective.
In fact, not only do the kids who make those pledges go on to have premarital sex, but they also do it without any form of birth control. (See: Bristol Palin.) Because these kids are brought up in homes that teach abstinence only, when the kids do decide to give in to their urges they do so without any clue about birth control or safe sex.
This is awesome news for the Federal Budget, as we can now cut out the hundreds of billions of dollars spent every year on abstinence programs that aren’t workin’ anyway and rededicate that money where it is needed.
This is also great news to women everywhere (like me) who want to get their claws into The Jonas Brothers.