I Resolve To Keep it Real

Every year, I make New Year’s resolutions: “Get in shape,” “be more outgoing” and “don’t get arrested for drugging the neighbors’ neurotic Schnauzer.” And every year, they fall apart. I can never begin with plan and arrive at completion – I’m always stuck in a constant cycle of process, sort of like running on a treadmill, except that running on a treadmill sounds like one of those resolutions I won’t be able to stick to. So let’s say it’s like being stuck in a vat of macaroni and cheese. Yum!

So this year, I’m making a New Year’s resolution to complete my entire list of New Year’s resolutions. And this means that I’ll either have to drastically improve my self-control, dedication and work ethic – not on the list – or I’ll have to drastically lower my expectations. Resolution #0 is to avoid anything that sounds like work, so here goes: the list of resolutions I know I can pull off.

Resolution #1: Stand around inside a gym regularly

I can’t understand why people think this one’s so hard – going to the gym, I’ve discovered, is easy; as long as I don’t hit a deer on the way, I can get there about nine out of ten attempts. And I’ve developed plenty of useful exercises to fill out an hour-long cardio workout: pressing buttons on the treadmill, switching my iPod playlist, going to the water fountain and estimating how many of me would fit in that guy’s biceps. I’ve planned a pretty good mat routine, too, but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle either the push-up or the modified (“girl”) push-up. Instead, I’ve developed the “modified girl push-up,” which is where I watch girls do push-ups.

Resolution #2: Spend less money on bad beer

I spent a lot of money on Keystone Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon last year. I could probably get around this by soldering my mouth shut or mailing my bank account to a Venezuelan drug cartel, but those are terribly inelegant solutions, I think. It’d be much more poetic to fulfill my resolution by spending more money on good beer. This one’s easy to keep, too, because once my account is dry, it’s impossible to buy any more Natural Light. It’ll just be me, my moral high ground, and several thousand cans of Guinness.

Resolution #3: Spend more time in Starbucks

Last year, I began to evolve into a Starbucksian. My eyesight is perfect, so I had mixed feelings when I discovered a tiny pair of thick-rimmed glasses actually growing on the bridge of my nose. But, you know, I think I’m going to roll with it, because I don’t mind the natural hair gel I’ve developed, and I appreciate how my stubble now stays at that “poetic bohemian” length.This means I need to devote more hours to my favorite coffee shop. I know, it’ll be tough, especially after I buy all that beer. But if drink enough Caramel Macchiatos, I think I’ll be able to grow a permanent zip-up turtleneck fleece; my skin’s already getting fuzzy. I’ve already got the Starbucks Gold Card; maybe I should see if I can upgrade to the Starbucks Platinum I.V. Convenience itself!

Resolution #4: Care less

The whole presidential election thing, man, that was a lot of caring. I cared about so many things. My heart grew three sizes and shone like a star. But as stars grow larger, they die, and so will my heart if I don’t give it a rest. I’m going to be strict about this: I’ll set up a Caring List, and plot my caring reductions over the course of the year. I’ll start by caring about big things, like “do I need a haircut yet” and “what’s for dinner tonight?” Hopefully, by March, I’ll be down to “can I sleep comfortably without moving the pizza boxes” and “do these count as pants.” By the end of the semester, I plan on caring solely about whether or not I am currently on fire.

Resolution #5: Make more awesome New Year’s Resolutions

Hey, these were pretty easy! 2009’s turning up roses already. I think I should brainstorm for next year, while I’m at it. How about having sex, playing video games and skipping class? Wasting time on the Internet? Taking fewer showers? The possibilities are endless – help me out, folks!