New Year’s Eve, According to a Hater

Ahh, New Year’s Eve. A celebration of endings and new beginnings. The last party night of the year, which means it’s also the biggest party night of the year. And that’s exactly why I always get the urge to lock myself in my room and hide under my bed until January 1st arrives.

The anticipation and build-up for the evening mean it’s never as good as you expect it to be. And no matter how much planning you do and how much money you spend, New Year’s Eve always fails to be an extraordinary night. Just because it’s the last night of the calendar year, doesn’t mean it’s going to be any more fun than any of the others. Trust me.

Reason #1 I Hate New Year’s Eve: First of all, it’s essential that you plan ahead. If you don’t make your plans well in advance, you’re risking having nothing to do. Parties get booked up, your friends make other plans, and you’re stuck watching the ball drop with your parents. I don’t like planning ahead. What if I’m forced into deciding to attend a party and then something better comes along? What if, in November, I don’t know what I’m going to be in the mood to do in December?

Reason #2 I Hate New Year’s Eve: Then there’s the expense. If you want to go out, you’re going to have to spend money, and probably a lot of it. Take last year, for example. A group of my friends made plans to go to a bar. We dished out the $75 that would allow us access to an open bar, bought fancy dresses, and got all decked out for the night of our lives. When we arrived, the bar was absolutely disgusting, the food nasty, and the people incredibly sketchy. It turned out we were only allowed to drink well liquor (when we could get near the bar). It also turned out that we could have paid $10 at the door and been allowed to attend the same party and order our own drinks. As if I would drink $65 in Grey Goose. The bottom line is that bars can charge whatever they please on New Year’s Eve and people will pay it. People like me.

Reason #3 I Hate New Year’s Eve: Midnight is just awkward if you’re single. When you’re single on New Year’s Eve and the clock hits midnight, you are left with only a few options. You can: a) Use this opportunity to hide in the bathroom and pretend you don’t realize it’s midnight, b) Participate in a group hug with all your other single friends, assuming you have any, or c) Kiss the guy closest to you, who may or may not be a huge freak. As you can see, none of these options are very appealing.

Reason #4 I Hate New Year’s Eve: It’s freezing out. You want to wear a cute dress and heels, but you’re going to freeze your butt off in the freezing, snowy cold. This is never fun. I’d rather be wearing sweat pants. In my bed. With a bottle of champagne.

This year, I’m giving it one more try. My friends and I made our plans in mid-November and are spending even more money this time. We have determined that by spending $110 to attend a party at a classy bar, we’re guaranteed a good time. Of course, we’re wrong. And it will probably be miserable. And next year we’ll go through the same thing all over again. Only it will be more expensive.

Pass the champagne, please.