Overheard: Whatever, 2008

By John

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

1st girl: “I had a really nice, lovely, normal New Years’ kiss. No drama.”

2nd girl: “Yeah. Well, I ended up getting a kiss from my rabbit. He’s man enough for me.”

1st girl:”Cute!”

3rd girl: “I sat by myself and read Wikipedia while the ball dropped. Then my cat threw up.”

“Hey! Do that voice again! It’s like we’ve got two dads. The best Christmas party ever!”

“Bacteria turkey. That’s the grossest thing you can say. The way the words line up in your mouth. The subtle alliteration. It’s like, I want to vomit, but it’d be the most fascinating vomit ever. Think about it.”

“You know, there were plenty of other parties we could have gone to tonight.”

“I don’t think my sexuality is even a question any more. The only physical contact I have with other people is carrying drunk girls home from parties. I think my orientation is ‘transportation equipment.”

“Secretary? Yeah, can’t watch that with the folks. I don’t know what’s worse; the way my dad gets flustered and has to leave the room, or the way my mom starts taking notes.”

“Is this mulled cider? That means it’s cut with E, right?”

“You’re a totally normal until I give you a Nerf gun, and then it’s like you’re four years old again.”

“It’s the cheapest time machine ever!”

“All right, cool, so I’m exempt from Christmas gifts for the next, what, twelve years?”

“This year, I resolve to have way more sex. That seems like a great idea at the time but turns out to be totally gross and stupid the next morning. Also, I resolve to drink more.”

“Am I still a vegetarian if I eat all this sausage?”

“If you’re going to visit me at school, wait until February. We’re starting up the dominatrix classes again. I think we’ll be doing a ‘make-your-own sex toy’ workshop. How cool are you with flogging? No, I’m kidding. Kind of.”

“Oh, wow. Your taste buds look really gross close up. Happy New Year, honey.”