Oh The People You’ll Meet: The Bible Chucker

College brings a whole lot of new experiences, new lessons and new people. New people means new friends, right? Yeah, most of the time. But there’s a special assortment of people that you can find on any street, on any campus, in any city in the country. It doesn’t matter where you go – you have met these people before.

Like the Bible Chucker…

Ah, the caf, where you can “all you can eat” to your heart’s content (and waistline’s dismay). Also where you can find out that you’re going to Hell. Yep, nine times out of ten, this is where you will experience The Religious Fanatic. Not just a Bible thumper, but more like a Bible chucker. Yeah, no thumping for them. They throw it at you. Hard.

Far more judgmental than grandma could ever think about being (at least she’ll make you a pie after), this guy has everybody labeled a severe sinner. He’s easy to recognize as he is the only one dressed in a suit despite the fact that it may just be 80 plus degrees outside. If that doesn’t tip you off, perhaps the stack of “How To Live” pamphlets in his hand or the giant poster that says “Smoking Kills” with a stereotypical picture of Hell on it helps. Or maybe the fact that he’s old and bearded? It’s not like he’s trying to hide. He wants sinners to go to Hell and he has no problem letting you know (by screaming into a megaphone) as you attempt to scarf down that fro yo.

He sort of reminds you of the people who stood on street corners back in the day, preaching about the different religions. Only, he’s all about the hellfire and brimstone and not so much about the nice salvation part.

This guy has no interest in how you were raised or what you believe. If it’s not the same as them, you’re wrong. And you will pay. For eternity. If you are in a sorority, wearing jeans (or heaven forbid, a miniskirt), eating meat, or just walking by, you are going somewhere hot. And it isn’t Cancun.

Don’t feel bad, though. It’s not you. Sure, you may have had premarital sex or opted to wear that new skirt to brunch, but this guy is out to get everyone in your caf and in cafs across the country. Just (try to) ignore him and make a beeline for the salad bar. He’s never going away, so just get used to him.