College Candy

Well, technically, just because Dan and Serena share a sibling, it doesn’t mean that they share DNA. But the true winning line from tonight’s GG episode, “Share me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’til you get Botox,” was too long to fit in this column’s title.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies?

While Gossip Girl and the Queen Bee Wannabes search for Dan’s secret and Lily and Rufus search for their long lost son, Jack sets out to ruin his nephew’s life. And you thought your family reunions were torture. Chuck blows off Blair in favor of a gaggle of hoes and an eight ball of coke, and boy did he make the wrong decision. I’m not talking about being caught out by members of the Board, either. Leighton Meester looked PHENOM in the dress she was wearing when she got the “I’m working late” text from Chuck. Day-am.

The surprise congratulatory brunch for Chuck was this week’s host for the usual drama, with Chuck snapping at Blair and GG sending out a blast outing Dan and Serena’s shared half-brother. And surprise, Chuck! Jack didn’t mention that the board had the ability to replace you for poor behavior, did he? Poor Chuck is out of a hot mama, a huge corporation, a family… and he’ll never have the opportunity to live up to his father’s posthumous expectations. If you need a new shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.

Back to the rollercoaster that is Lily and Rufus’ search for their illegitimate son. First, the lawyers can’t find him. Then maybe they can. Then the new parents don’t want to talk. Then the father will. Then he drops a major bomb: their son died last year. I thought this was just an easy write-off on behalf of the GG writers, to bury (no pun intended) a fairly fallible subplot. But wait- just when you thought you could predict it all, wha-bam! The adoptive parents pull a Jack Bass, lying their way to completely alienate Andrew’s birth parents. This is certainly going to come back to haunt our favorite Upper East Siders in the future.

At the close of the episode, Serena and Dan decide they can work through their “hillbilly”-esque dilemma, Lily and Rufus seem quite cozy themselves, Blair finally washes her hands clean of Chuck, and Vanessa and Nate are celebrating their anniversary. Has it seriously been that long?

Well, fellow GG fanatics, I cannot wait for the supposedly-dead Andrew to shake things up, or for Chuck to wage war on the evil Uncle Jack. Too bad he ruined things with Blair, or he could totally set a pedophile trap for his pervy uncle and take back his company. But hey, anything’s possible in Gossip Girl world.