Dear President Barack Obama,
I know you’re just moments away from being inaugurated, but in my opinion, the Bush era has been dead for awhile now, and you have been the prez since the results were announced. I figured out how to fill out an absentee ballot for you, Mr. Obama, and I can’t even handle bills that come in paper statements, so that’s saying something. The day you were elected, Mr. Obama, my roommate and I screamed and jumped up and down on our futon like we’d just watched a really hot episode of Gossip Girl. One of my friends from the bloody United Kingdom texted me to congratulate me on our country’s finally making a good decision, even though it was about 4 a.m. in his time zone.
There’s a lot riding on your presidency, Mr. Obama, and while I have enough faith in you to fill out that freaking absentee ballot, I would also like to give you some tips, so you take the same downtrodden path that so many of our past leaders have taken.
Please do not raise federal liquor taxes in an attempt to cover the costs of war, a la Ulysses S. Grant. We poor college students cannot afford to pay more than state sales tax and the $.05 deposit per can on our Natty Lights. If you do feel a need to hike up the taxes, please don’t make it worse by accepting bribes from distillers to receive tax stamps at a fraction of the cost, because that’s just plain mean. Do feel free to sponsor a National Holiday where school and work is cancelled so we may get over our hangovers, however.
Gas prices have finally dropped after an excruciating few months of paying over $3 or $4 per gallon to fill our tanks. Please do not transfer oil responsibilities to corrupt secretaries, who will exploit this power for their own gain. Ask ex-prez Warren Harding how Teapot Dome turned out. Oh, wait; he died before he could be convicted. Mr. Obama, you’re in your prime, so chances are, you’re going to have to sit through any investigations that might come your way.
If all goes well during your stint in the White House, Mr. Obama, please don’t resort to wiretapping, burglary, and trespassing in an effort to be re-elected when 2012 rolls around. We really don’t need Kirsten Dunst to make another film routed in political satire.
While you are working in the Oval Office, Mr. Obama, please keep your relationships with your coworkers, and especially interns, strictly professional. And don’t mingle with the ho’s, either. Hell, your wife Michelle is beautiful, and your girls are totally adorable. So there’s no reason to be shacking up with Obama Girl. These days, the media is always looking to exploit an irrational decision – always remember that.
Please, Mr. Obama, hire an educated speech reader, and then practice your speeches. I want books to be written about how great you are, rather than seeing compilations of the stupid sh*t you’ve said on sale at Amazon. If you meet a single mother of three, please don’t tell her, “You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.” And please don’t address our current economic crisis as thus: “So I analyzed that and decided I didn’t want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression.”
Mr. Obama, to be frank, I wouldn’t have the balls to step in right now and try to fix our country. But we’re counting on you. So, if you could refrain from making some of the errors of our forefathers, that would be great. And if you have some spare time, if you could fix the economy, pull our troops out of Iraq, legalize same sex marriage, and be such a good president that you are remembered as a great president, rather than simply the first black president (because really, I would vote for a Fuchsia leader he or she would turn the USA back around), I would be most grateful, and would probably take the time to fill out yet another absentee ballot in four years.
Thank you for your time, and welcome to the friggin’ White House!