If You’re Going to Read a Boy’s Email, Be Ready!

January 24, 2009 3:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Candy -- NYU g+ page

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By Candy

Suspicion and jealousy ruin a lot of relationships. And, thanks to the internet, we can ruin relationships as quickly as we can make them. It’s an ugly cycle, but it brings out the truth in some situations, whether or not we want to see it.So, would you ever read a boy’s email?

It’s a crazy b*tch move, sure. You might even argue that if you can’t trust a person enough to not read their email, then you shouldn’t be with them. But is that always true?

A boy recently left his email logged in on my computer with a message from his ex gf staring me in the face. For the first time in my life, I caved and abandoned all trust I was building for a boy. And without getting into detail, I’ll tell you: I hated what I found by reading this email.

At the same time, I’m happy I did. It forced me to see our relationship for what it really is, instead of what I wanted it to be in my head.

Had I not read his email (and this was the first time in my life I’ve done so), I wouldn’t have known the facts that, yes, broke my heart, but also shone some light on the situation. Here I was thinking I was in a developing relationship with a boy who was earning my trust in every way possible, only to find out that I wasn’t the only girl on his mind. (And I’m not just talking about his ex here). He had been responding to Craigslist personals (Editor’s Note: shaaady), calling other girls the same sweet names he called me, telling other girls he missed them, etc.

Was I delusional? No, I don’t think so. I don’t think any girl in my situation would have imagined the ‘truth’ to be what it turned out to be. But then I have to wonder: how many girls have been in my situation? And how many didn’t have the chance to discover the truth when I did? If I hadn’t read his email, I know the pain I feel now over this would be multiplied in the future. I would have kept hanging out with him four or five nights a week, cuddling, making plans to travel abroad, and believing that we were really falling for each other…when ‘we’ weren’t at all.

The fact is I’m happy I read his email. Guys can call a girl in this situation a crazy bitch all they want, but is a girl so crazy if he’s actually hiding something?

It is really easy to invade the privacy of others, but that doesn’t mean you should. If you do, however, be ready:

Be ready to read things you’re going to have to ask him about.

Be ready to be considered a crazy b*tch for reading it in the first place.

Be ready to possibly have your relationship ruined over the fact that you read the email.

Be ready to have your heart broken, or, on the flip side, be ready to find out nothing and feel painfully guilty.

I can’t say I blame you if you follow in my footsteps, but be ready.

16 Comments on "If You’re Going to Read a Boy’s Email, Be Ready!"

  1. anon says:
    Sat, 24th Jan 200910:44 am 

    what about logging into his facebook? i am just as guilty, i don't want to be the crazy bitchy girlfriend, but at the same time i am glad i did check his email/fb/whatever and found out a lot more was going on with his ex than what he said

  2. Emily says:
    Sat, 24th Jan 200910:57 am 

    this sounds like my ex. he goes to UCLA. He's BAAAD news. I hear he's dating some daughter of some major neurosurgeon now, and I can't help but think it's not going to last bc he f*#%s anything that moves.

  3. Ryan says:
    Sat, 24th Jan 20095:02 pm 

    The same thing goes for guys looking at their girl's email/myspace/facebook accounts. Not all guys are complete garbage, nor are all girls as innocent as the readers/writers here would like to believe.

    I'll have trust issues for the rest of my life because my ex was talking to an ex-boyfriend from high school on facebook behind my back. I think the author got it exactly: "It forced me to see our relationship for what it really is, instead of what I wanted it to be in my head."

    I think the violation of personal trust is much less of an offense than emotional cheating with someone from your past behind your significant other's back. But that's just me.

  4. c says:
    Sat, 24th Jan 20098:46 pm 

    I will have trust issues for the rest of my life as well .. I may be a crazy b*tch but I don't regret reading my boyfriend's email. It was how I found out that he cheated on my with my best friend. Although it hurt to know what kind of guy he is .. it hurt much more to know what kind of girl my best friend is.

  5. Matt says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 20096:27 am 

    Or, we could all be normal people and…you know…try to TALK to the other person. And if you have big enough trust issues to go snooping through someone's personal things to begin with, maybe the relationship shouldn't be going on in the first place (based on the fact of either trust issues on the spyer's side or overall shadiness on the spy-ee's side).

  6. zoe says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 20098:15 am 

    matt, i think we're talking here about situations where people are being lied to, in that instance talking is obviously not going to get you your answers. im totally with everyone else, i felt SO guilty for reading my boyfriend's chat logs, but id tried to find out what was wrong every other way first. i do not regrett it because i deserved to know the truth that i found. even though it hurt.

  7. Provocative Girl says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 200912:19 pm 

    this is one of those things that no matter what you're damned if you do, damned if you dont. if you think your bf is hiding something and you don't snoop, then you wont find out. if he is hiding something and you find out you'll be hurt. sucks either way. you've always got to be ready for the consequences that come along with what's going to happen. hopefully, if you're in a committed relationship then you don't have anything to hide, but if its a new relationship you want to know whats going on because chances are if you two just started dating then he isn't telling you everything. i might be the crazy bitch a lotta times (like everyone else i've got trust issues), but who isnt?

  8. Devon says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 200912:42 pm 

    You know, I always wanted to believe that a relationship isn't worth it if you have trust issues enough to read email to begin with, but in my case, hey, the email was there and left open on my computer. Prior to seeing what was open in his inbox (before even opening the emails), I didn't have any trust issues. Needless to say, I do now.

  9. Addie says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 200912:59 pm 

    Two years ago my ex was trying to win me back. Almost ready to return to him, I went through his facebook msgs to take a quick glance over how truthful he was being. I found out that he was still missing his ex-fling and that theyd been msging for quiet awhile, and not to mention having sex.

    i ended up having to tell him what i found but he was surprisingly okay with it, considering he was in way more trouble

  10. TL says:
    Sun, 25th Jan 20091:01 pm 

    All I can say is people who snoop do not fully trust their partner. Everyone, both men and women are intuitive and have gut feelings when something just isn't right. There cannot be any type of relationship without trust, so if your gut is telling you something isn't right then follow your gut. I wouldn't get caught up with what your head is saying…the in's and out of "what if" but rather your gut saying "what isn't right"? But maybe that's just me.

  11. Alexa says:
    Fri, 30th Jan 20092:49 am 

    What about if he's just communicating w/ women over the Internet (myspace hollas). My boyfriend admits to this, saying he does it when he is bored, and he is used to doing it because he was single for so long. I was hurt at first but he satisfies me in every way and I although I expressed my dissatisfaction at his "habit", I'm not going to let it be the end-all to a fufilling relationship. Naive?

  12. Matt says:
    Fri, 6th Feb 200911:18 am 

    Thank you, Alexa for showing a lot of maturity.

    Seems like a lot of you see your bf's "getting in trouble" or they need to earn trust despite their innate lying nature. Aren't we all grownups here with lots of friends and contacts and relationships? Now, kissing and touching and making plans to meet with someone other than your significant other is inexcusable. Date who you like but only one at a time, please.

    But talking / emailing? That is lying? Are you saying that you tell him all about every other male you talk to? If a former friend / lover calls, do you freeze him out? Probably not. Do you confess it? Please apply the same standards to him, too.

    If you do snoop (and yeah, that makes you a crazy b*tch but it happens sometimes), then be prepared to talk about the ensuing issues like adults. It's not a soap opera or a sitcom or a fairy tale — it's your life. Encourage your partner to engage in positive behavior that helps you two develop together. Talk with the intention of resolution which will either strengthen your relationship or will help you to grow as a person so you're better prepared for your next, healthy relationship.

    Best of luck to you!!

  13. Becca says:
    Sun, 8th Feb 20099:34 pm 

    Matt, I don't expect my "Significant Other" to tell me about every single girl he talks to. Nor does he expect me to tell him. However, The discussion is not so much "talking" as it is "cheating". I have male friends that I laugh and hug and kiss and cuddle with. And he has female friends that he does likewise. But we know where are emotions are. We know who we go home to. And because neither of us are obsessive or insanely possessive, we are able to handle a mature relationship. because we know that emotional cheating, as well as physical cheating isn't taking place.

  14. Anthony says:
    Mon, 23rd Mar 20098:38 pm 

    Okay, what prompts a g/f to violate her b/f's privacy? They want to know what's really going on, right? Well, don't these same g/f's have secrets of their own? And if they do, and I'm only using "if" rhetorically because I think it's foregone that they do, then are they as anxious to share THOSE secrets? Of course not. What if a b/f picks up his g/f's cellphone and rifles through her call log and text messages? Would he not find something that could just as easily be interpreted as "incriminating?" And if that's the case, and I assure you that is IS, then what does the g/f gain by snooping? If the tables can just as easily be turned, then what's the point?

    This kind of conduct is most destructive to a relationship. In the law, we commonly refer to what is known as "fruit from the poisonous tree." In other words, you can't use illegally obtained evidence to build a case against someone. That's a concept derived from life, and it illustrates the boundless regard our society has for basic privacy rights.

    It seems to me that if my g/f ever comes to me with accusations and demands for answers born out of her snooping, then the only person with any explaining to do is her. She's going to have to tell me why she's treating me as if I don't have the right to tell (not ask, TELL) her to keep her things off my belongings. It's just that simple.

    Let someone do that to her and see what happens. I dumped my girlfriend because of this nonsense. Trust is a foundational issue in any relationship, and you don't violate someone else's trust in order to determine if you can trust him. If something has triggered that much doubt in your mind, then you either talk about it or go your separate ways.

  15. Tortellini says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20091:57 pm 

    Anthony is full of silly juice In other words, what he's saying is if a guy's girlfriend finds out he's doggin her through snooping, then confronts him on it, he has every right to say:

    "Well, yeah I slept with your best friend, but you're just as bad because you found out about it and invaded my privacy!! You're supposed to trust me!!WAAAH!!"

    *Gasp!!* You were caught red-handed?? You poor poor baby! What a rotten bitch! How dare she find out you're a dirty scumbag?!

    Nice how the guilty people like to make themselves the victims…

    heheh…

  16. Andrew says:
    Tue, 15th Dec 20099:36 am 

    The act of searching through your significant other's private emails means one thing, no matter what you find….you dont trust them. Dont matter whether its the boy looking or being looked at.

    My relationship just ended because my gf took my laptop, turned it on, and went into my gmail while I was out. What she found was most similar to what the writer of the article found. I was moaning about having second thoughts to my friends and saying how the relationship felt at times borne out of convenience rather than love.

    Terrible things to think, but you know what, I had been trying to make things work, I was trying to overcome my doubts and put my best foot forward. I was taking care of her and being a good boyfriend, I just had my doubts.

    In reading my thoughts, my gf was petrified and basically broke down. She'll never forgive me and thinks I am terrible. What would have happened had she not read my email? I cant say, its possible things would have ended after many more months, only making it that much harder. But I wasn't cheating, I wasn't talking to ex's, and it feels like her curiosity killed us.

    Are you going to find a smoking gun? Perhaps, and only in these situations will the action justify the results because my relationship just imploded over private thoughts that should never have been read, and did not dictate my true motives toward the relationship.

    Fail on her part.

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