Five Things You Never Want To Hear From Your (New) Lover

Even though I vowed to keep my vajayjay away from my good friend / potential lover, the holidays and spending four weeks cooped in my parents’ house with my Mom blasting Fleetwood Mac at ungodly hours left me few options. So, when the boy called and asked if he could host my vacation to the city (Oh Columbus, how I love thee!), I accepted. I packed a pair of black high heels, a toothbrush and a bottle of red wine and I was ready for my own little holiday fling.

There were a few things, however, I forgot to consider. For one, I’ve known this guy, like, forever. I know every girl he’s ever dated (and all the not-so-awesome deets about each breakup), his favorite foods at each of our fave places to eat, hell – I even know the names of the majority of his extended family. This means that he, too, knows almost as much about me. Although this does mean we get to skip the whole awkward (but sometimes exciting) getting-to-know-you stage, and jump right into the much more exciting getting-to-know-your-favorite-sex-position stage, this breadth of knowledge about each other did create it’s own awkward situations.

Basically, the filter that you normally have with new lovers when you’re trying to both impress them and butter them up was completely removed.

So, with help from my good friend/holiday hookup and other boyfriends past, I present to you my list of the top five things you never want to hear from your (new) lover.

5. That girl is so sexy. Some of you might disagree with me on this. However, I am slightly neurotic and although I will totally smile and pretend that I, too, find whatever girl my man is ogling with his eyes a real bombshell as well, I don’t like to hear it. Think it, fine. Tell your boys, fine. But don’t. tell. me.

4. You should really wear your hair curly again. It’s so beautiful. When your hair is in fact, straightened for the first time in four weeks because you finally decided to dig your Chi out of all your unpacked, unorganized luggage. Is this supposed to be flattering? Couldn’t you have told me that you love my hair curly when it actually IS curly? There are also other variations of this too, like, “Maybe you should really dye your hair again. It was so pretty blonde,” or “How about you get that tattoo removed? Your lower back looked so sexy without it.”

3. You’re crazy. I’ve written about this before. And trust me, I really don’t care if it he means crazy-sexy in a Marla Singer sorta way. There is nothing at all flattering about being called crazy by someone you trust with your innermost thoughts, feelings and neuroses. Nothing.

2. You’re a much different body type than I’m usually attracted to. So, he either means that you are a lot larger than his normal type (which is obviously not fun to hear) or a lot smaller than his usual type (which – in my mind at least – is a huge RED FLAG because it seems that most guys do stick to their particular “type”). Above mentioned dude actually said to me last week and I really didn’t know how to respond. He said he was normally into girls who had those big, muscular, soccer player legs and that mine were small and uh, soft. Thanks?

1. You remind me so much of (insert any other woman’s name here). Whether it’s his mama, his ex flame, his sister, his old best friend, that girl from Psych 101, this never makes anyone feel good. It makes us feel paranoid that he will leave us for whatever person he is comparing us to (well, uh, unless it’s a relative – then it just makes us feel homely and naggy!). Why can’t guys just love us for the unique, special, beautiful, flowers we are and quit comparing us to every other Brittany, Tiffany & Jenna they know?

Honorable mentions: “You have on too much makeup” and “If you’re gonna wanna do that, you’re gonna have to shave.” Ouch.

Alright girls, it’s your turn! What’s the worst thing you’ve heard from a new (or old) lover?

[ photo from michaelhyatt.com ]