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Sexy Time: Handling Morning-After Disasters
February 12, 2009 Posted in Relationships, Sex
Let’s face it: s**t happens. Sometimes we get a little crazy and accidentally go home with someone(s) that we did not intend to. Now, I’m not condoning that you engage in any activities of this sort, but if you happen to do so, I want to be sure you have a way of 1) getting out of there, 2) not repeating the same mistake for quite some time, and 3) having a hilarious story to go along with it.
So, here are a few tips for handling the most difficult of situations.
“I think I had an accident…” – Now I hope this hasn’t happened to you, but if you ever happen to wake up and realize that you took one too few bathroom trips last night, I have a solution for you. My friend Chris once peed himself (for lack of a better phrase) and promptly asked the girl he woke up with for a glass of water. As soon as she handed it to him, he spilled it all over his lap. Hey, I’d much rather be compared to a klutz than an accident-prone toddler.
“What’s your name again?” – Waking up next to a rando is pretty embarrassing. But nothing is worse than waking up to a relative stranger when you can’t remember their name. Even if you’ve narrowed it down to Jose and Jackson, you really can’t just test one out to see if it’s right. If you’re planning on never seeing them again, it’s totally acceptable to use the word “you” in the place of their name in any sentence. If you plan on seeing them again, however, ask them to enter their number (and name!) into your phone. Don’t pull the ol’ “How do you spell your name?” when you enter it in. Believe me, it’s pretty mortifying when he snaps back “B-E-N” while staring you down.
“So uh…did we…? Yeah….” – Piecing together your activities from the night before is often an incremental process. You can wake up naked, next to your floor mate, with your clothes strewn about, but you won’t really believe anything happened until you see the universal tell-tale sign. Yes, I’m talking about the icky left-over condom on the ground. At this point, you have two options: a) Shake the guy until he wakes up, ask him what happened, and face the music or b) book it out of there and live in not-so-blissful ignorance. The choice is yours.
“Ew, what is that?” – Often we wake up with things on our bodies that we sure as hell didn’t have before we went to bed. Hickeys, inappropriate phrases written in permanent marker, and mysterious bruises are all common when waking up from an evening of debauchery. Once I even woke up with chewed bubble gum all over my body. (No, I was not chewing gum before I went to bed). The only tidbit of wisdom I have for you is to use nail polish remover. I swear that stuff will remove anything.
“Someone had a fun night last night.” – There’s nothing worse than walk-of-shaming. Except, of course, when you run into somebody you know on your journey home. Once I was walking home in a giant sweatshirt and oversized flip-flops with my heels in either hand. Little did I know that my friend Brian would snap a picture of me in all my humiliation on his camera phone. Oh don’t worry, the picture made it on to the front of my birthday card that year. Heed my advice and do not walk opposite the flow of traffic at prime class time.
[Photo courtesy of Spring_Peeper on Flickr.]
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maddie says:
Thu, 12th Feb 20095:46 am
i just feel like using nail polish remover on your skin is not a good plan…
Emily says:
Thu, 12th Feb 200910:14 am
Yea…I would definitely say the walk of shame is a little easier at non prime times…I wouldn't recommend it when the football team is going to breakfast before one of the biggest home games of the season…
Jess says:
Thu, 12th Feb 20092:35 pm
eh, it’s not that bad. it’s evaporates quickly anyway.
my guy friend was just telling me that he wants to go out tonight and not come back until people are walking to their classes tomorrow morning. easy for HIM to say.
Kayla says:
Thu, 12th Feb 20093:27 pm
The name guessing thing… have TOTALLY done that. When someone has a name like JOE, it doesn’t work out so well having them spell it for you :/
Lindsey says:
Thu, 12th Feb 20095:54 pm
I was walking home the night after the SnowBall in
1. Boxers (not mine)
2. Oversized teeshirt (again, not mine)
3. High heels
4. Ballgown rolled up under one arm
5. hair was curly the night before.. not so much in the AM… plus racoon eyes
I did my best that i could to touch up in the bathroom before i left…
needless to say the rugby team ran by.. and everyone in my dorm was conveniently sitting in the lounge upon my arrival.
“hey Lindz – have a good night? looks like it!”
Lindsey says:
Thu, 12th Feb 20095:56 pm
but the thing is…
It was relatively early, and I woke up only two blocks away from my dorm… so i thought i could power walk it back undetected.
not the case.
Chris says:
Fri, 13th Feb 200912:38 pm
The glass of water trick was some of my best work
Ali says:
Fri, 13th Feb 20095:34 pm
My walk of shame once consisted of boys pj pants…boots…and a corona cowboy hat… and then I walked by a campus tour…I’m sure all those kids wanted to go here.
Jake Holden says:
Sat, 14th Feb 20092:47 pm
Once I went home with someone and after a while realised I had completely forgotten their name and it was way too late to ask again. Luckily it'd been their birthday so there were cards everywhere – all I had to do when I was wandering around her room was say 'ah that's a cool card', pick one up and read the message (and name) inside – that saved my ass that night!
http://factsandfriction.blogspot.com/
sara says:
Wed, 18th Feb 200910:58 pm
Oh my god, this article is right on. That water trick is amazing. Though for some reason idk if I could pull it off haha. Luckily when that happened to me, I was like “Oh, I fell in that huge thing of snow, you don’t remember?!” so I think I’m good… he hasn’t brought it up since… lol.
The name thing is still SOOOO awkward. I never know what to do. The phone thing half the time never works because he’ll enter a number and no name, or worse he’ll enter both but then save it and I’ll STILL not know his name… hahahaha
rach says:
Sat, 21st Feb 20096:22 pm
i've used the water trick.. twice.. ugh so embarassing.. i picked up my stuff and got the heck out of there after that..
Cass says:
Tue, 24th Feb 200910:54 am
Ladies,
For those of you who dread the morning after hangout/cuddles and would rather dash out early than risk looking like a train wreck over cheerios, I recently came across a product that is perfect to battle those insecure moments! Benefit and Hanky Panky paired up to create the "overnighter" a kit that covers all the basics just in case** and best of all it can all fit in your clutch. Maybe with this product on our side we'll switch from shacking status to something more lol? I thought the concept was really cute and people might be interested.