Telltale Signs of a Douchebag

February 21, 2009     Posted in Reality

437392419_9dcd6b34ab.jpgDespite what She’s All That claimed during our formative middle-school years, no amount of makeup-free-artistic lonely girl can transform a douchebag into a gentleman. However we all like to believe that we are Belle and if we just love them enough (and listen to the talking cupboard) we can turn every beast into a prince. But at the end of the night (week, month, serious relationship) we’re still left with the same douchebag.


By Jenni

So, in order to stop just one girl from going home with that guy, I’ve compiled a list of three telltale signs that he should be avoided.

1. Blazer and a t-shirt

I have yet to figure out why guys think this outfit is anywhere near attractive. While I guess there is some advantage of knowing that they can go straight to the gym and/or a job interview with just a quick change, there’s something unsettling about the two looks meshing. If they can’t be bothered to decide between the business-casual look and the casual-casual look, chances are they won’t be bothered with remembering your name and number post hook-up. So unless you find yourself wearing a dress and sneakers out to the bars, I would recommend steering clear of this.

2. Cheek Kiss

When I first started receiving the cheek kiss at college I marveled at the adultness of it all. It was up there with dinner parties and lipstick on my maturity scale. However I soon learned that the boys who lean in to give the obligatory cheek kiss are the same boys who will elbow you in the stomach to get to the bar. They’re already climbing the social ladder and each time I put out my cheek to receive the kiss, they’re already eyeing the next girl behind me. As they say, nighttime cheek kiss, morning time big diss. (OK, no one has ever actually said that.)

3. Backwards Hat

Nothing says I’m very mistaken about how cool I think I am than a backwards hat in any kind of social setting. It constantly amazes me how many people still find it socially acceptable to not only put on a hat to go out, but to put it on backwards. If backwards hats were “in” during the 90′s, then it’s still going to be another ten years before it’s ironic to wear it like that. Any guy that finds it trendy/funny to wear their hat backwards will also think its trendy/funny to do something wacky, like hitting on one girl all night and then going home with her friend. Their brains work differently.

There are obviously many more signs of a douchebag, but these are the three that came to me after spending 30 seconds of first-hand research in a bar. And while I can list signs all day, it would start to get a little too personal to my friends when they start noticing their own one-night-stands and ex’s listed.

You got any tips for avoiding the d-bags? List ‘em below. We ladies gotta help eachother out!

37 Comments on "Telltale Signs of a Douchebag"

  1. Eliza says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20097:11 am 

    Popped collars and self-proclaimed "sensitive guys" = total and complete douchebags

  2. Jasmine says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20097:33 am 

    I definitely agree with Eliza on the popped collars.

  3. Melissa says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20097:57 am 

    I disagree with the second one. Cheek kiss is something that I have been doing since I was in the fourth grade. I think it is more of a racial thing because in Hispanic culture, it is usually rude not to say hi with a kiss. I don't think that a sign of a douchbag.

  4. Angie Marie says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 200910:48 am 

    This was a cute, funny article that I enjoyed reading, but detecting a douchebag clothing really varies by geographic region…at my southern schools, all the boys were polos and oxfords and very clean-cut, Ralph-Lauren looks.

    … The douchebags are probably the most likely to be wearing this classic, "i'm going to Sunday School, not frat row" look :)

  5. Amy says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 200910:55 am 

    Douchebags are the ones that wears the Ed Hardy and Affliction t-shirts.

  6. Ace says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 200911:56 am 

    Earrings = douche

  7. Meg says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20092:08 pm 

    any guy that is an ed hardy billboard screams douche

  8. Hannah says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20093:46 pm 

    My dad has told me since I was 5 years old that I am not allowed to date guys who wear their hats backwards. BEST.ADVICE.EVER.

  9. Regina says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20093:50 pm 

    Let's not forget rings on the fingers (ESPECIALLY the thumb), or an eyebrow piercing. Extra douche points if it's a hoop and not a barbell.

  10. Anna says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20093:51 pm 

    Disagree with the first one. Sweetest guy I ever dated wore a blazer and a t shirt almost every day

  11. Rebecca says:
    Sat, 21st Feb 20098:43 pm 

    I think blazers under t-shirts are hot…

  12. Dina says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20095:48 am 

    AMY! You took the words right out of my mouth. Ed Hardy and Affliction shirts were the major signs of DB-ness at my school. If you want to step it up a notch, make sure they are dripping in rhinestones.

    This is SO funny.

  13. Ashley says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20096:43 am 

    I don't know how I feel about this….

  14. beth says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20097:30 am 

    I love the t-shirt under blazer look… the rest I agree on.

  15. Sandra says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20099:44 am 

    The cheek kiss – usually a double cheek kiss is as standard requirement in Montreal. Even when just meeting someone for the first time. It's just polite. As for backwards caps… umm… don't really see a problem with that.

    But blazers and ts – definite no-no.

  16. Jacks says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20091:46 pm 

    this list is absurd

  17. Jenn says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20095:36 pm 

    I only agree with the backwards hat. Ed Hardy, for sure. I don't like those Eurogeek types who wear their clothes too tight and act artsy-fartsy. Also, the Pete Wentz types. Buy pants that fit, wash off the makeup, and quit using all my hair products!

  18. Davis says:
    Sun, 22nd Feb 20097:02 pm 

    While I've never experienced 2 or 3, 1, "Blazer and a t-shirt" is just SO true. I just recently ended a fuck-buddy-ship with a guy who constantly wore casual Ts with expensive jackets. Can you spell D-O-U-C-H-E?

  19. Lex says:
    Mon, 23rd Feb 20096:03 am 

    Shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest so he can show off his chest hair (which is just kinda gross to me, but some girls like it I guess).

  20. Anonymous Coward says:
    Mon, 23rd Feb 200910:51 am 

    Well, to be frank, the t-shirt with blazer rule is only applicable if the t-shirt is an affliction shirt, and the individual is wearing tattered jeans and gym shoes.

    The sensitive comment is hit or miss. Most guys that willingly admit this are in fact, utter tools. But don’t categorize us based on our baser instincts, we have evolved out of the gutter just as much as you ladies have evolved out of the kitchen, it’s just that refusing to see it on a woman’s behalf is considered being careful and wise, whereas when a man does it, he’s a chauvinist pig.

    Completely agree with the backwards hat comment.

    Also, be wary of douchebags hiding behind money. Many of them do; the ones that have it and don’t flaunt it are the ones you should be attracted to. Remember, class and grace is not something you can buy.

    Also, avoid the ‘party promoter’, he’s a tool too.

  21. Rahele says:
    Mon, 23rd Feb 200910:53 am 

    You also forgot to mention guys who try to have conversations about art galleries, they ave never been to. Or, guys who try to engage you in philosophical discussions and have no clue about they are talking about.

  22. Aysla says:
    Mon, 23rd Feb 20093:10 pm 

    Disagree completely with the second one… I guess the list is geared towards Caucasians? I'm Hispanic, so I think cheek kisses are really natural and indicate friendliness and amiability. Cultural difference ;o).

  23. criolle says:
    Tue, 24th Feb 20094:50 pm 

    The biggest clue that he is a douchebag is when he leaves and the prettiest woman in the club is trailing along behind him.

    Nice guys finish last, they really good-looking women are lost in the fantasy that they can "change" the douchebag.

    … and she'll end up wailing "where did all the "nice guys" go?"

  24. Rita says:
    Wed, 25th Feb 20092:21 pm 

    Not to say i haven't met a lot of the d-bags out there…but i disagree with the blazer and t-shirt (not to say that there aren't any) but some of the nicest guys out there pull off the Express "business going out" wear really nicely and are sweet hearts.

    One of them being my boyfriend. :)

  25. Danyell says:
    Fri, 27th Feb 20097:08 pm 

    official douchebag attire consists of:

    - Shirts: ed hardy Ts, popped collars/polos, same hollister T every other guy has, pink Ts, T-shirts with sayings on them.

    - Bottoms: plaid shorts, jeans with holes, those stupid ass sweats/sweat-shorts from hollister/abercrombie.

    - Accesories: backwards hats, sideways hats, eyebrow peircings, corona flip-flops, on-purpose 5-o'clock shadow.

  26. michelle says:
    Thu, 21st May 20091:15 pm 

    bedazzled shirt are the official uniform for DBs. ex: ed hardy

    avoid frosted tips, Abercrombie shit, popped collars, spiked up hair with a sweatband. ugh so much doucheyness

  27. Claire says:
    Mon, 15th Jun 20093:47 pm 

    How about constantly stating who's "ass" you're going "whoop" at beer bong on your facebook page, or saying things like "holla," "throwing it down," "down wit dat" etc. in a non-joking manner, or tYPiNg LiKE dIS, or how about the FLAT-RIMMED backwards baseball hat?

  28. budday says:
    Tue, 12th Jan 20102:31 pm 

    If you apply the cheek-kiss rule to places like Québec and France, you're going to meet a lot of so-call douchebags.

  29. JessD says:
    Sun, 28th Mar 20105:09 pm 

    Wow, I'm pleased to see that so many people agree with me on what is douchey!

  30. BDam says:
    Mon, 26th Apr 20105:13 pm 

    You're an idiot. Somebody wearing their hat backwards is a personal preference like wearing khakis instead of jeans. Just because you think wearing a hat backwards doesn't mean it's wrong. It means you're a close minded idiot.

    Wow.

  31. RIKO says:
    Mon, 26th Apr 20108:19 pm 

    ^ BDam must wear his (or her i guess) hat backwards lol

    Don't be hurt, embrace your douche bagginess! Which is only further solidified with the post you just made, lol!

  32. SeniorDouche says:
    Thu, 29th Apr 20107:25 am 

    Hah I do everything on this list but the ladies come my way… You can be nice and all — I'll just bag the babes. Sportin my Oakleys with the strap.

  33. nunnya125 says:
    Tue, 4th May 20108:57 am 

    This is really funny but yeah, defiantly not all true. The only way to spot a douche-bag is to get to know him, really. DB's are getting harder to spot by just clothing nowadays…funny article though!

  34. MaleNYCnondoucher says:
    Wed, 11th Aug 201011:17 am 

    Professional Douche bag traits:

    -Oakleys/ Sports shades with business suit.

    -White socks with dress shoes.

    -Backpack for laptop instead of a briefcase or messenger bag.

    -People who use an IPAD as an E reader.

    -Tucked shirt with no belt.

    -Northface or ski jacket with business suit.

    -Eurotrash pointed tip shoes (square toe is ok)

    -Saying "I dont know in a professional scenario"

    -Loud talker usually about non work related gossip.

    -The social butterflies of the office (co workers are not friends, keep conversation professional)

  35. karen says:
    Thu, 28th Oct 20109:29 am 

    I hate ed hardy! I have strange urges to burn people who wear that crap. Btw I'm also hispanic and I think the kiss thing is weird…kinda unsanitary too(then again my family thinks I'm introverted). I think it's nasty especially if the person is a stranger, but even when they're family or friends it's completely unnecessary.

  36. Henry Beeson says:
    Sun, 23rd Oct 201111:54 pm 

    you call him a douche and you slept with him, your just as bad BITCH

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