Challenge: Change the Definition of Beauty

Laurie Sliva is the founder and director of BRIDGES Camp for Girls, a self-esteem and leadership building summer camp.  We met up with Laurie when we were doing research for CollegeCandy’s Eating Disorder Awareness week and knew instantly that her work and message had to be shared.

By CC Staff

We are all fed up with our society’s impossible and unrealistic perception of beauty, and Laurie urges women everywhere to stop trying to change our bodies and start trying to change our mindsets.

I read somewhere that women have a negative thought about their bodies every 15 minutes. Sadly, this doesn’t surprise me.  I can look at my own thoughts over the years and say that sounds about right.  The more I talk to women and girls of all ages and body types, the more

I realize I am not alone.

I did feel alone at one point. I didn’t know that other girls felt like me.  In junior high, the pain of feeling left out, created an overwhelming desire to feel accepted and to feel a sense of belonging.  After losing some of my post-gymnastics, puberty weight the summer before high school, I noticed I got a little more attention from guys and girls. I felt pretty good. Soon I began skipping all meals except dinner with my family (so they wouldn’t find me out) and, when I needed more control, I began throwing up every night after dinner. My battle with anorexia-bulimia took over my life for the next six years my thoughts were occupied with how I was not going to eat, or if I had to eat, when I could throw it up, and how I would hide it from everyone who cared about me. My recovery began my sophomore year of college for a variety of reasons and with the support of family and friends who really didn’t have any idea how to help.

This experience fueled a passion in me to help women and girls to “love themselves for who they are and who they will become.” My healing has come through following my dream of starting a summer camp for adolescent girls, facilitating conversations about what really matters (that nobody talks about), and telling my story.  It is my belief that “Every Woman has a Story.”

So, why the negative thoughts about our bodies every 15 minutes? We are in a media-saturated society where women unconsciously strive for an unrealistic, unattainable image of beauty and perfection. We could spend a semester or more looking at all the ways, historically-speaking, we arrived here, but I want to explore HOW WE CAN CHANGE THE DEFINITION OF WHAT SOCIETY PERCEIVES AS BEAUTIFUL.

The CHANGE starts with you. Who do you talk to more than anyone else? Your roommate? Your mom?  Your best friend? I can confidently say I know the answer…it’s you!

Self-Talk: How do you talk to yourself about other girls?

Do you needlessly compare yourself to other women? Measuring up the size of your waist, your butt, your chest? “I wish my waist was small and toned like hers,” or, “look at all the junk-in-her-trunk – I’m glad my butt is not that big.”

This was me several years ago:  I am at the gym, (you know the drill) on the treadmill, people-watching, and I see a cute, toned, super-fit woman about my age, maybe even 10 years older, and I can’t help but think, “What a bitch – she probably doesn’t have to have a job, so she can be in here working out several hours every day. It must be genetics – so lucky, hate her!” Then I scan to a heavier girl next to her and think, ”Keep on working, sister – going that slow on the elliptical won’t get you anywhere and you really should not be wearing spandex.”

Why are we not more naturally inclined to admire other women’s bodies? Does it go back to what we’ve always heard – we put others down to make ourselves feel better? Do we then feel better?  Is competition the “American-way”?

I CHALLENGE you to CHANGE the way you think and talk about other women. Develop this habit and train yourself on how you talk about others in your mind and out loud.

Now when I am at the gym, I coach myself to think positively about the women (and men) around me.  They are most likely at the gym for the same reason I am – they want to stay or get healthy, and feel better about themselves. So when I see the cute, super-fit woman on the treadmill ahead of me, now in my head I think, “Wow! Beautiful and strong…what amazing commitment you have to keeping your body healthy! I wonder what your story is?

I know from experience that it’s not easy, so I am proud of you and look up to you. Keep up the great work!”  When I glance at the heavier girl, I think to myself, “You go girl! You are on that elliptical doing what you can do and every step will make you healthier – of body and mind! Keep it up! It will get easier!” Now I attach my emotions to them not based on how their appearance makes me feel about mine, but on how their effort and the thought that “Every Woman has a Story” makes me see them as beautiful.

Guess what? Doing this consistently has helped me to feel better about me and to feel more connected to others.

Self Talk: How do you talk to yourself, about yourself? 

How do you feel about your body? Do you have a running monologue of negative-self-defeating thoughts that run through your head throughout the day?  Most all of us do.  Some thoughts are everyday complaints we share with friends: “I feel so fat,” “My face is so broken out,” or “I can’t believe I did that.”  Interestingly, the thoughts that are the most hurtful are those that we usually do not share with others: “I hate myself,” “I cannot stand this disgusting roll around my waist,” or “People don’t like me because I’m so ugly and annoying.”

In my experience working with youth over the years, I ask girls the question, “What do you say to yourself that is negative and makes you feel bad about yourself?” I hear responses, like those mentioned, which at first shocked me that they were so consistent across the board – girls of every shape and size, color of skin, socio-economic status, and social-clique had similar negative, self-defeating thoughts. I am not alone. You are not alone. Everyone struggles with feeling bad about themselves. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I CHALLENGE you to CHANGE the way you talk to yourself about yourself. Learn and practice using positive self-affirmations. Turn those negative thoughts into positive, self-affirming ones.

When “I am so fat” pops into your head, replace it with a positive-self affirmation, “I am the perfect size for me,”  “I am beautiful the way I am,”  “I am healthy, not perfect (even if you are working on being healthy – affirmations are always spoken in the present tense).”

In our society, people generally feel hesitant to say good things about themselves, not wanting to sound “conceited.”  It is helpful to note the difference between “bragging” and recognizing our strengths.  Bragging often includes putting one’s own image above others; saying that you are better than someone else. Being confident and feeling good about yourself is healthy and empowering.

Together let’s CHANGE THE DEFINITION OF BEAUTY!  Here are your CHALLENGES:

•    Look for the beauty in others. CHANGE the way you talk about OTHER WOMEN in your head.

•    CHANGE the way you talk about others out loud. Be uplifting whether talking about other people with a friend or giving someone a genuine compliment.

•    CHANGE the way you talk about YOU to YOU!  Recognize and acknowledge your strengths.  Believe that your body, no matter what shape and size, is beautiful.  “EveryBODY is Beautiful.”

For more information on getting involved in this cause or attending BRIDGES Camp for Girls, please visit www.bridgescamp.com.