Overheard: Spring is Broken

By John

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

“Everyone can relate to getting peed on.”

“Yeah, I get peed on all the time.”

“That’s because you pay people to do it.”

“You can’t build a skyscraper on cheese.”

“Are you going to see your puppy this weekend?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s his name?”

“Toby.”

“No it’s not.”

“I’m just swinging this bat. Standing here, swinging this bat. If someone else walks in the way, it’s not my fault. It’s not the bat’s fault. It’s the physics.”

“All our midterms just turned into impromptu porns.”

A professor in a linguistics class

“Dentist, see… where does it come from. Well, there’s no word for ‘dent.’ No, it’s not a word. What? What’s a ‘dent’? A ‘dent’? What do you mean?”

“You see… to be happy, we’re constantly secreting.”

(Girl on speakerphone)

“What’d you smoke tonight?”

“The… the good stuff.”

“What’d you smoke out of?”

“… The gecko.”

“Okay. Now please don’t crash the car and get us all killed, because you might wreck the pizza.”

“Triple filtered? No. Not triple filtered, not quadruple filtered, nothing. I want filtered-exactly-the-right-number-of-times filtered. Nothing else.”

“Oh man! My life is so cool! I mean, like, last Tuesday, I just woke up covered in vomit! Crazy, right?”

(Girl on phone)

“I’m locked out of my apartment. No. No, I don’t have the key. Isn’t there anything you can do? … No, I have no idea. Aren’t I paying you for this? … Well, I guess I could try. I need to find a big pipe.”

“Imagine, like, if whenever a girl walked in with some sexy dress, a bunch of aliens just teleported in and shoved a bunch of DNA up your ass.”

(In a hallway, guy throws door open.)

“Hey! I heard there were cheese danishes in here!”

“Yeah, I found them in the trash.”

“To be fair, if you just swish a few shots of vodka around your gums, it’ll probably get rid of the plaque.”