Pillow Talk with Diana: Are We More Than Friends?

March 10, 2009     Posted in Advice, Relationships, Sex

deidre_teen_pic_426158a.jpgQ: So I’ve known this guy for years and years and we’ve been friends for forever and we have “talked” before but nothing has ever really worked out. Well then months ago we start heating up again…finally hook up for the first time and things are going great. Then he moves to another city. Well now I see him every single weekend and we are great but he says he doesn’t want a relationship. I say fine no big deal I don’t want one either, but then he says he doesn’t want to mess around or kiss or anything because it makes him too attached and he doesn’t want to be a jerk and like someone more, mess around with them, etc if he doesn’t want to date them right now.


By Diana

Well you would think that would be my answer right there but the plot thickens (lol). The past few weekends things have been getting more and more serious – I’ve met all of his friends in his new city, we have been hooking up, sleeping in the same bed, and pretty much acting like a couple without the title (which I’m actually fine with because if he’s not ready for the title I trust him and am not going to push him into it!). But he then proceeds to tell me one day when we’re having a “moment” that this was exactly what he didn’t want and now I feel bad for putting pressure on him.

So my question is….how do I proceed if he obviously really cares about me and I really care about him? Do I quit visiting? It’s definitely not going to work with me liking him and us being just friends and nothing else at this point, but then where does that leave the friendship?

 A: I think you’ve answered your question! You ask where the situation leaves your  friendship in the same breath that you admit being “just friends” with him won’t work as long as you like him. And you do like him, even if you’re telling yourself you want to be friends with him.

You’ve known each other and have been friends for years, but have you truly been friends this whole time? It seems to me that the sustainment of the “friendship” was largely due to your crush on him and this more-than-friends, less-than-relationship limbo you two were in.

Now, the situation is this: you visit him in his new city, and while you’re there, you feel like he acts like your boyfriend. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, but still hooks up with you when you visit him. So why would he do that? Simple: why not? He does it because he can. Because you make it really easy for him by visiting him every weekend and obviously being into the hooking up. And then you leave and he continues on being a single guy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he’s probably not calling you every day and acting like you’re a couple when you’re not physically there with him. This is not to say he’s an evil, good-for-nothing jerk–from his perspective, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to date you, and you seem fine with it and still hook up with him. Everyone wins, right? Well, except for you.

So how to proceed? Stop wasting your weekends going over there and ease up on texting and calling him for a few months, and see what happens. Is he going to ask you to come visit him or visit you himself, or will he not mention it all? That can tell you a lot about his feelings for you, but you won’t get any insight if you make it so damn easy for him to continue doing what you’ve been doing, which at this point, is a friends-with-benefits situation. Which is fine, if that’s what you wanted, which you don’t.

You don’t have to give up on being friends with him forever–just humor me and try it for a few months. Stop treating him like a long-distance boyfriend. He’s not. There will be time when your romantic feelings for him will fade and you can be platonic friends with him, but that time isn’t now, and that time will never come if you get stuck in this cycle of pining for him all week, floating along in your love bubble over the weekend, and pretend that it’s enough for you. It isn’t and that’s OK. But if you want to get to the point where you’re cool with being just friends with him, you need some distance first to be able to take off the rose-colored glasses you see your relationship through.

6 Comments on "Pillow Talk with Diana: Are We More Than Friends?"

  1. Raeann says:
    Tue, 10th Mar 20098:27 am 

    Just a contribution: Many years ago I tried to break up with a boyfriend, and he basically wouldn't let me. He said he was going to keep coming around and if I wasn't strong enough to turn him down.. well… It takes two to tango. He basically didn't believe I wanted him out of my life, and he was right. But I didn't like the status of the relationship either.

    What I'm trying to say in regards to your relationship is, you could do him a favor and leave. Cut off contact and not visit every weekend. Or you could wait for him to truly take a stand and stop it. That might end up hurting more, and will definitely be a harsh rejection. Right now it sounds like he isn't really protesting too much. It's pretentious to think that you're "making" someone do something. You have to assume that the guy your with is an adult who makes his own decisions and is in control of his own actions. Doing that is doubly beneficial: it's respectful to him as a person and it alleviates the undo amount responsibility on you.

  2. maddie says:
    Tue, 10th Mar 200911:12 am 

    i'm with raeann. this guy is jerking you around. he can't be whining and crying about how he didn't want to get serious when he still has you up to visit and hooks up with you every night when you're there. it takes two, girl. since he obviously can't distance himself because he's too selfish, distance yourself before you really get hurt. this guy doesn't know what he wants and he's trying to have it all. story of my ex's life. haha

  3. Lauren, University o says:
    Tue, 10th Mar 200911:22 am 

    Seriously, STOP going. Why would he ever stop to think about how much he cares for you if he never knows what it's like not to have you? You can try and convince yourself that you are fine with how things are, but it's clear you are not.

    DO yourself a favor and back off for a bit. Eihter he'll come running back, or you will give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who knows how to treat you.

  4. Kate says:
    Tue, 10th Mar 200912:34 pm 

    I think a lot of times when we like someone we ignore any bad signals that that person may be sending out… or we even blatantly disregard what they tell us, rationalizing our actions by saying that he is just confused or doesn't know what he wants. The fact of the matter is, he already told you what he wants- he doesn't want to be in a relationship. …Meaning he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I know this is really hard to accept, but the truth is that if he really liked you he would go out of his way to show you how much he cared. Furthermore, he would want to be in a relationship with you so that you know that he loves you and (also) so that he doesn't lose you to another guy. This guy doesn't really care about you or want to pursue anything long term- if he did he would clearly tell you. I honestly think this hooking-up stuff is just convenient for him and he has no interest in a long-term relationship (he told you so himself). Its not going to be easy, but you need to take your heart out of his hands and only give it to someone who shows you how much you really are worth:)

  5. Brian says:
    Tue, 24th Mar 20091:16 pm 

    For sure you guys should talk. Seems like a friends with benefits thing but he does NOT have to be your only guy. Probably he is getting some from other girls.

  6. nita says:
    Sun, 25th Oct 20099:42 am 

    I was in a simular situation and its kind of still going on,,I met him on line ,he said he was married but his wife was in another state and she was bipolar,skitz and doesn't even know who she is,,but he can't divorce her in the condition that she is in,,I respect that,,he would e-mail me every 2 wks,then once a month ,,then quit and say he wanted to turn me loose ,,it wasn't fair to keep me mixed up in his mess..I'm trying to get over him too.but everyone I meet his color comes shinning threw,,and my heart stops any further commitment with anyone else…hes just put such a longing for him and him only that I haven't been able to move on..He has gone back to the state that his wife is in and says he is not with her,,she is nuts and he doesn't love her..this is 567 miles away from me..he wants me to come to him,,still,,I'm trying to move on although he did say he loved me ,,I have known him since January 2009,My husband passed away in 2008 of Oct.I don't believe their could ever be a future and when I ask him he just says maybe..

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