Changing the Single Guy…Or Not

March 11, 2009 Posted in Relationships, Sex

We’ve all heard it before:

“I just got out of a relationship.”

“I really like where we are, and I want to be really close with you, I just don’t want to date you because of my ex-girlfriend.”

“My ex-girlfriend and I are really close, but I swear we’re not dating. We’re just friends (who hook up when we’re home and text each other to make sure that neither one of us has found anyone significant enough to ruin what we have going for the summer).”

Welcome to every single girl’s worst nightmare. Not because we necessarily want to date this guy, but because once we hook up with him; once we learn that not only is he cute, but he is smart and makes us laugh and makes the bedroom spin; we think that we are THE ONE. We are the only person in the world who can make this guy forget about his ex-girlfriend, because we are just that special, and, more importantly, we are HERE, and she is 1,000 miles away at a different school.

You know the scenario: your friend starts hooking up with a guy who has no interest in a girlfriend. The two of you spend the entire night laughing about it and chalking it up to a one-night thing, but then something strange happens: he texts her. They hook up again. And then he texts her on a weeknight. And comes over sober. And before you know it, this friend and Mr. “I’m Just Getting Out of a Relationship” are only hooking up with each other.

Four months ago I became that girl. I started hooking up with a guy who I knew had just broken up with a two-year long girlfriend, and though I knew he didn’t want anything, neither did I, so it was fine. However, as we progressed, he started texting me in the middle of the day, coming over to see me after he’d been at the library, and told me that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone else at school. In my mind, I knew that we weren’t going to date, but it was hard to wrap my head around; he lived a half an hour from me at home, fit all of my prerequisites for a boyfriend, and, man, could he kiss.

When we went home for Christmas, we did not see each other, but we texted and talked on the phone. Thinking that it would just go back to the way it was when we returned to school, I went and saw him…and there it still was. However, two weeks later, he informed me that his ex-girlfriend was coming to visit, and while the two conversations that had come up about her had included the term “obnoxious” and, “thank God I’m not seeing her anymore,” this conversation was the first time I had ever thought of her as a real person…that he loved.

Of course while she was there I didn’t hear from him. And, surprise, a week later, when she left, I got the “Let’s Hang Out” text message. And that was when I learned that despite our seemingly perfect quasi-relationship, I was just another hook-up. A long hook up, but still, just another hook up.

So there was my lesson. As He’s Just Not that Into You states, “You are not the exception. You are the rule.” And while my friends seek me out for guy advice because I always give it to them how I see it, when I saw the same patterns for myself, I completely ignored them.

And there was the lesson to all girls: if you like a guy and he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend, run away. While you may not want a boyfriend at the beginning (or at least try to convince yourself of that), you may end up falling for him, and a guy who says he doesn’t want a girlfriend doesn’t mean he didn’t want a girlfriend until you came along… it means he doesn’t want a girlfriend. He means he has fun with you, wants to sleep with you, and he may even like you when he’s sober, but no, he does not want to date you.

1709912 CommentsChanging+the+Single+Guy%E2%80%A6Or+Not2009-03-11+15%3A00%3A03Erica-+University+of+Michigan on "Changing the Single Guy…Or Not"

Angela says:
Wed, 11th Mar 20099:49 am

wish i wouldve listened to my gut 4 months ago!

J says:
Wed, 11th Mar 200910:13 am

AMEN to that…perfectly said!

M says:
Wed, 11th Mar 20092:30 pm

& what if this guy also happens to be your best friend?

i don't want to date him either really but we hang out all the time & hook up sometimes anddd we both get jealous when the other is getting hit on by someone else. i'm so fucking confused. yea…fml

Cecelia says:
Wed, 11th Mar 20094:49 pm

Omg, I'm having a similar situation right now. I became reallyy good friends with this guy & he took me out for food. We used to hang out a lot…until he told me that he was getting back together with his ex…who goes to school out of state.

She's coming to see him next week. I've had a few weeks to move on, but I'm afraid that it's still gonna be weird. =(

Jacks says:
Wed, 11th Mar 20094:50 pm

Been there! It sucks! Get out while you can, but if you do really like the guy, stay friends…I've discovered things can turn around YEARS later. (yes, YEARS. Absolutely do not spend all that time waiting for him, but if you're both single again timing can be a blessing the second time around. Don't burn your bridges.)

Mary says:
Thu, 12th Mar 20091:58 am

This hit home just now. I am in the midst of this situation [the third one of the three at the top with him & his ex being together only while at home] and coming across this article at a random hour while doing work has really opened my eyes. Even though I had gone to one of my good guy friends for advice, I decided I'd rather listen to my optimistic girl friends who believe in exceptions to the rules. However, I know deep down that I am not the exception, never was, and never will be and this article really erased any small glimpses of hope that I had been holding on to and I must now run away before I get in even deeper.

Great article by the way.

Alexes says:
Thu, 12th Mar 20093:37 pm

I am in this situation and it sucks! We started dating and what not, but he says constantly, "I want to be with you, but I just can't commit to a relationship right now." We call and text every day, and we hang out at least once a week….we are dating, but nothing more. It sucks. So girls, before you get in too deep…RUN. If this is the your case, then get the hell away before you get emotionally involved.

Macy says:
Sun, 15th Mar 20095:27 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. Time to toughen the hell up on myself…

Carolynn says:
Thu, 19th Mar 20094:11 am

That's exactly what happened to me. I found him attracted but I was in no way trying to date him. But the one night stand became a common thing, and if he would have just left it at that it would have been fine. Of course he just HAD to take me on the best first date I've ever been on in my life…except there's one flaw: He doesn't want a relationship because his ex hurt him so bad.

And now I'm stuck.

Carolynn says:
Thu, 19th Mar 20094:11 am

attractive*

Justin says:
Fri, 27th Mar 200910:14 am

cool, I'm in the same situation except change the genders lol. totally into a girl but she just got out of a rough relationship and needs to work on her self confidence. I'm into her and she's into me. We both fit each other's prerequisites and she is smoken hot. sigh the ex boyfriend is always in the way.

doesn't help he's friend's best friend's ex girlfriend lol.

Andrea says:
Sat, 28th Mar 200910:23 am

omg im in this situation rite now…i've tried to get out of it several times but its soo hard…this did help me get a better understanding though but i just feel that maybe things will turn around and be better..=/

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