Avoid The Drunken Text!

March 14, 2009 5:00 pm     Posted in HaHa  Kiki - University of Missouri g+ page

drunk-text.jpgOh Sunday mornings. There’s nothing quite like stumbling out of a lofted dorm bed in last night’s stretched-out leggings, wayward bobby pins dangling from stringy bangs. You brush your teeth, rub the eyeliner crusties from your eyes and attempt to scrub off that not-so-fetching jungle juice stain on your chin. You’re still trying to get the mascara off your cheek when it hits you. Did you text him?


By Kiki

Toothbrush still tucked in your cheek, you fish your Blackberry out from under your pillow, detach it from the charger cord you expertly wove around your bedpost, and cringe. You definitely texted him. Twice. Okay, more than twice, but you essentially said the same thing every time, so it really only counts as twice right?

It’s tipsy texter’s remorse. Drunk dialing’s quieter, slyer little sister. Drunk texting is even more perilous, simply because your chosen target has a tangible message to remember you by the next morning. A tangible message that could very well be forwarded to all your mutual friends. And why stop there? Mutual or otherwise, they don’t have to know you to get a laugh out of your arbitrary capitalization and creative spelling.

And of course, no one ever just types out “hey giRll hye, i mis ur face!!!!@! mylife wud sukc witouh u!” Not even near incriminating enough. No, it’s always a text to that douche face ex-boyfriend you never really gave up on, or that dreamboat in your stats lecture whose number you covertly acquired under the pretense of a review session. And you always have a killer intro, like “jst so u know, i nevr do tihss,” or “HELLLLLLLLO! gues where I amm rhgit now?” or “i’m soooooio hppay u hireD me for the smmuer!”

Okay, so it’s obviously not exactly ideal to piece together your evening by reviewing your outbox in the A.M. But it’s so easy, not to mention drunkenly satisfying, to type out a quick T9 letting your high school nemesis know exactly what you think of her and her stupid Lacoste gym shoes. How do you avoid the temptation to broadcast just how much fun you are having to your entire contact list?

The Designated Dialer

This is where the DD swoops in. In addition to her role as designated driver, she moonlights as the designated dialer. A multitalented catch, not only does she haul your tipsy tush home, she proofreads your impromptu SMS sonnets before you hit send. If need be, she might even conveniently lose your phone in her wristlet, only to restore it to you the next morning with an eyebrow raised, you-so-owe-me face.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

And if your DD doesn’t want to babysit your booze intake AND your outbox, then it might be time to leave that cell at home. You may have to work up to it – you know, ten-minute intervals without checking your texts before graduating to half-hour windows. As long as one of your friends has a phone, do you really need it? I don’t want to leave girls open to shady situations (the art of a faked phone call is still my escape route of choice) but maybe bury that ‘berry in the bottom of your totebag, or away in some interior pocket with extensive, complicated zippers?

Unfortunately, until Apple creates some sort of breathalyzer application in addition to iCal, drunk texting will always be a late night pitfall. Resist the urge—I don’t know about you guys, but I am so much wittier sober.

Alright, I wanna hear them. Drunk texting horror stories? Alternative methods to avoiding embarrassing cellular situations? The funniest drunk text you’ve ever received? Yes please.

[Picture courtesy of AmyMichelle on Flickr]

26 Comments on "Avoid The Drunken Text!"

  1. d says:
    Sat, 14th Mar 200912:55 pm 

    my roommate and i usually switch phones… she doesn't have the numbers of the boys that i would text and i dont have the numbers of the boys she would text so we switch phones and it makes things a lot less weird in the morning

  2. Kiley says:
    Sat, 14th Mar 20099:38 pm 

    This was the worst situation ever, not only was I at my crush's beach house, but I got too drunk for words. I could barely walk up or down the stairs without tripping (As it was put by my best friend the next day), but I kept telling everyone that I wanted to F*** my crush, and even though I did… It was SOOO Embarassing….then on top of that, I looked at my phone the next morning, and I had been texting my ex all night, and told him how much of a sank whore he was…when he wasn't even like that. I totaly ruined our friendship.

  3. Kiley says:
    Sat, 14th Mar 20099:39 pm 

    I learned that I should give my phone to my friend, or leave it in the car.

  4. courtney says:
    Sat, 14th Mar 200911:02 pm 

    d, that's an awesome idea.

    hmm funniest drunk text was..

    YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I KNOW

    from a male friend of mine

    (I am, in fact, a girl)

  5. Lauren, University o says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 20094:46 am 

    I texted a male friend one sat night at 9pm to see what he was doing that night. I got a response from him…. at 1:30 am…..that said "I'm horny, when are you coming over." I thought maybe he was kidding but then he wrote back, "Seriously, do you wan to come over?"

    We had never hooked up or even gone anywhere near that path in our friendship. Talk about awkward.

  6. needaisy says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 200910:38 am 

    I am the world's worst drunk texter. I will text people at a million times with the SAME question. I get on my own nerves. I've tried to mellow out but I text guys a lot that I like. Charming things like "i luhhh you" and "ur sOoOoO hottt!" Yuck!!! this posting was dead on! (: I couldn't stop laughing throughout.

  7. Rae says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 200911:29 am 

    This is basically the story of my life.

  8. Kath says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 200912:18 pm 

    I do it all the time!! Thank God I don't do it with exes, but I often drunk text guys I knew and would never hook up with while sober :D I ended up on one HORRIBLE date once because of drunk texting.

  9. Rhonda says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 20092:44 pm 

    Yeah my friend and I have had to switch phones as well. We had many of long weekends with random messages to guys.

  10. emily says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 20093:32 pm 

    i txt my ex who i had the hardest time shaking…he was clingy and not willing to let go.

    drunk and the only one not making out with a random at the club, i text him saying i miss him and want him back.

    that was awkward the next day.

  11. Mary says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 20097:45 pm 

    I text, but the thing is that I don't misspell any of it, and it's always grammatically correct, so it makes it hard for people (the ex-booty calls I should no longer be talking to) to figure that I'm drunk and ignore my texts.

  12. Maria says:
    Sun, 15th Mar 20098:24 pm 

    I drunkenly texted an ex-boyfriend that I hated him, that he had small penis, and was terrible at oral sex. His response? "You were always so charming when you drank. Glad to hear that you still think about me." Yay for alcohol and blackberrys

  13. mel says:
    Mon, 16th Mar 20096:40 am 

    A little off topic, but Saturday night I drunk dialed my lab partner: "Ryan, Like, I've had a couple sexy time dreams about you, but like, I totaly don't find out attractive AT ALL so I don't get it."

  14. gracest says:
    Thu, 26th Mar 200912:44 pm 

    There’s an iphone app called “don’t dial” (dontdial.com) that will let your “designated dialer” set a 24-hour password on your phonebook. It also lets you block your own contacts before going out, if you don’t trust your friends that much. ;)

  15. erica says:
    Mon, 27th Apr 20094:52 pm 

    textsfromlastnight.com <— some funny ass shit =)

  16. kate says:
    Tue, 28th Apr 20098:11 am 

    i am SO glad i'm not the only one out there who does this on an almost-weekly basis… i've confessed my love for many a rando via drunken text. it's gotten me into some really awkward situations the next day. this past weekend i kept telling this guy i went on a first date with that it was the most amazing date i'd ever had. oops.

  17. Katyy says:
    Fri, 1st May 20094:09 pm 

    i had two Seans in my phone & was out with one of the guys..he had stolen my chapstick and put it in his back pocket so i was trying to txt him "i want my chapstick back, its in your ass" but sent it to the tottttally wrong person.

  18. Brittany says:
    Fri, 1st May 200910:34 pm 

    Ok, so this one time i texted my ex Jake, and told him that i wanted him back because the sex was sooo amazing. But when he said he wouldnt take me back, i tweaked and told him that the sex was horrible i was just really horny. The next morning not only did i feel like an @$$ but also like a sl*t. :(

  19. forgiveness says:
    Wed, 11th Aug 20102:55 pm 

    i blacked out on thursday and texted the guy i like 42 times. of course he now won't talk to me anymore and since i miraculously deleted all the text messages before the next morning, i wasn't able to figure out what i said. i remember only one text from him telling me i was scaring him and to never contact him again. i'm so upset.

  20. Repeat Offender says:
    Mon, 25th Oct 20106:45 pm 

    So I had been hanging out with this guy and he was always texting me like lets hangout and everything so one night when i had been drinking i texted him three times and he didnt respond to any of them, so annoying and i guess i called him twice later that night and said call me you dick! then i received a text message at 9 am the next morning, "please dont call my phone again" i have since deleted his number, but still have the crush!

Tell us what you're thinking...