Get a Freakin’ Room: Top 5 Annoying Couple-isms.

Big effing deal, you have a boyfriend. The rest of the world really doesn’t need to know how much you love each other, how much it hurts to wait five minutes between tonsil-hockey sessions, or… well, how much you’ve got him whipped. Sure, I’ve been in love before, but in a watch-the-sunrise-over-bong-rips kinda way, not a need-to-keep-my-hand-on-your-ass-to-claim-my-territory kinda way. Here are some of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to coupling up.

1. Making out in totally non-romantic places.

If I see the two of you pawing each other at the Trevi Fountain in Italy, I’ll forgive you. Now THAT is romantic. But seriously – to the couple who gets on the dirty, overcrowded subway and feels the need to look into each other’s eyes, whisper sweet nothings, and make out for all of three stops – save it. Same for the couple who starts going at it in the checkout line at Rite-Aid. Unless you’re buying condoms, why are you so worked up already? And if you are buying condoms, then save it for the bedroom.

2. Sharing a calendar.

Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can’t be individuals. I hate the girl who’s there for you every time… as long as she’s single. Once the “relationship” label gets slapped on some people, they have to synchronize their scheds, and like, can’t even go to the bathroom without making sure it won’t disrupt Date Night (the third one this week). It’s great when a girl can bring her boyfriend out with her friends, and vice versa, but if it’s a “Girls’ Night” and Henry’s trailing behind… it’s effing annoying.

3. Lame-ass Pet Names

Seriously, I’m not really opposed by the use of “Baby” or “Babe,” that is, when it’s used in a nonchalant way. As in, “Babe, I’m going out tonight, I’ll call you later.” NOT “Babyyyyyy I wuv you thiiiiiis much!” But other petnames are semi-obnoxious. If you do have cute names for each other, it should be your special secret. I once dated a dude who actually suggested we do nicknames. I promptly started calling him “Snuggles” in front of his coworkers. When he put up with that stuff, I knew it was time to go.

4. Fighting in public.

This actually might be worse than PDAs. You know THAT couple who’s throwing beers at each other at the bar? Who break up about 5.4 times a day and then go back into cuddle-mode for the ten minutes prior to the NEXT fight. Seriously, girls, he DIDN’T mean to call you fat, he WASN’T checking out the waitress, and just because he wants to watch sports instead of go shopping with you it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. And guys, STOP inadvertently calling her fat, REFRAIN from checking out the waitress, and if you’re going to hang with the boys, just TRY to do something for her to show that you care in the meantime.

5. Becoming a biographer.

It’s a group event. Everyone’s meeting for drinks/dinner/ whatever, and of course the significant others are invited. There’s often that couple… the one where one party decides to relay everything he/she knows about the other to the group for the entire evening. It’s usually the partner that doesn’t know the rest of the group. For example, Johnny brings his new girlfriend to meet his friends at the bar. While everyone else tries to talk about class, politics, last week’s episode of Lost, whatever, Johnny’s girlfriend can only contribute, “So, Johnny and I met at….” “I know Johnny is the one because….” “Did you know that when Johnny was in high school, he…” ETC. She’ll probably also comment on Johnny’s every move, like, “Ohhh, how cute does Johnny look when he orders a beer? Stella is his favorite!” Let people get to know you and your signif for who you are. They can figure it out on their own without a picture being painted for them.

If I sound like a bitter old hag, that was not my intention. I was very happy in my last relationship, which ended quite smoothly. And I’d love to be in another relationship, once I find the right guy. In the meantime, however, I’ve been nixing the dudes who seem like they will either follow the aforementioned patterns, or expect ME to follow them. That’s too bad, because I’m just not that type of girl. Anyone else have any pet peeves from the dating world? We’d love to hear ‘em!