How to Shoot Down a Creeper at a Bar

Creeper [kreep-ur] -noun. 1. A person or thing that creeps. 2. A domestic fowl having malformed, short legs, due to a genetic defect. 3. An individual who stares, lurks or makes awkward and unwanted advances to undeserving women.

Today, College Candy readers, we will be learning about Creepers (definition 3…who may also fall into description #2) and what one can do to deflect their advances. We have all been at a bar or some type of similar venue and had a creeper (of varying severity) approach and had no idea how to handle the situation. Well, here’s your answer.

Stage 1 Creeper (Loosely defined as an awkward guy, your age or older, who won’t stop staring and/or making small talk. Naturally, you have accepted a drink already.)

1. Who wants to come to the bathroom with me?

After accepting a free drink (you earned it, little miss push up bra!), a graceful way of parting is to go to the bathroom. When drinking, it is perfectly acceptable to bring 3-10 girls with you into a bathroom, so your whole crew can be removed from the creeper situation.

2. Ahhh, I love this song!

As soon as you have that free drink safely in your hand, raise it up and toast to your favorite song, turn your back to your friends and get in the middle of the dancing circle. Migrate away from the bar and in time, your creeper will be gone (but that buzz he bought you won’t!).

3. No thanks

Saying no to a drink is incredibly hard for a cash-strapped college lady, but it’s the easiest way to get the point across to someone that you just aren’t interested. You won’t owe him anything and you can get away ASAP. I applaud girls who do this on a regular basis… but can’t say that I am one of them.

Stage 2 Creeper (Loosely defined as an undesirable guy, your age or older, who won’t leave you alone and/or follows your group around. He may have friends, and they may all be drunk, which makes him even harder to get rid of. You may have already accepted drinks.)

1. I love being out of the closet!

Okay, I may have done this, like 2 weeks ago, and it works. I grabbed my friend and said something like, “OMG, I am so glad we are lesbians now!” Our creepers heard this and were either drunk enough to believe we were gay or thought we were immature/permanently disinterested. Either way, we got our point across.

2. Honestly…

All you gotta say is “You can buy me a drink, but honestly, I have no interest in hooking up with you whatsoever.” A friend of mine told me she did this the other night at a bar and the guy who was hardcore creeping felt so bad he bought her a drink and left her alone! Hey, if guys can be sketchily forward with us, why can’t we be forward back?

Stage 3 Creeper (Loosely defined as a generally creepy man, most likely older than you, who just won’t get the hint. These responses are for when you are up Creeper Creek without a paddle (or a tazer), and/or just want to have a little fun. Do not get drinks from this one. Seriously.)

1. You’re the one

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so why not try this counter-intuitive example? Freak him out Wedding-Crashers-style and tell him, after he stops talking/ogling, something along the lines of “My psychic told me I’d meet my husband tonight and he was right!” I am sure he will stay a good 30 feet away from you for the rest of the night.

2. Baby Mama

If you can keep a straight face, tell that creep you are either a) Preggers and unable to drink b) getting a text message from your kids or c) a combination of the two. There is nothing less attractive then the prospect of coming back to your place and being interrupted by contractions or crying babies.

3. GET AWAY FROM ME

The creepiest of creepers are never good with taking hints. If you are hammered or just really fed up/revolted, tell that creeper straight up to GET AWAY FROM YOU. I have a friend who does this a lot, and her hostility sure wards em’ off. And of course, if he still doesn’t get it and starts getting even creepier, get a bartender or bouncer involved.

Anyone else have any other good ideas to ward off creepers?