Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: April (and Inaugural) Edition

We’re all well aware of the honeymoon playing out between our new Commander in Chief and every media outlet save FOX. I mean, when the new president can inspire debate over whether or not he’ll be funny on late night talk shows, rather than any role he should or should not play in this debacle, the rose colored glasses are on.

By Kari

Cosmo, not one to miss out on a trend, also felt the need in their April edition to give the new prez some props—in their own special way. Hence, we were treated to a wonderful dissection by the great Dr. Ian Kerner, whose recent box office success apparently qualifies him to comment on the First Relationship…and its sex life.

Yes, my loves, Cosmo says this month: “Why the Obama’s Love is So Sexy”!

On Physicality
Cosmo says: “Seeing them hold hands and kiss reminds me of how important touch is outside the bedroom. Hugs can take you where words can’t.”

Kari says: I’m either going to needlepoint that hugs quote onto a pillow or make it my Facebook status. I guess I can see why people touching each other is sexy, but this headline led me to believe that there would be more witticisms like “let’s just say they danced together at the inaugural balls in a way that implied the real fun would begin later.” Quite frankly I’m disappointed that more justice was not done to the phrase “inaugural balls,” so bring on the juicy stuff, Cosmo.

On Mystery
Cosmo says: That in order for a long-term relationship to stay strong, we need to “balance the two poles of knowingness and mystery.” Also, becoming “more known and dependent on your partner” poses a serious threat to this “magical unknowingness.”

Kari says: I wonder if Stephenie Meyer has started writing for Cosmo (really? “Magical unknowingness”? Does Obama sparkle in the bedroom?). Besides quoting Obama from a 1996 interview in which he gushes over Michelle’s awesome-ness, Cosmo gives very little insight into how B and M walk this fine line. I suppose it’s probably classified, but if the kind of mystery they’re talking about is Barack poring over Area 51 files for bedtime reading then I don’t think that this couple is a necessarily good model for the general readership of Cosmo…

On Individuation
Cosmo Says: By preserving separate identities, Michelle hasn’t gotten “caught up in [her] relationship and live[ed] through it.” And even though she put her career on hold, she’s totes still her own person.

Kari says: Uh, Cosmo, IDK if you noticed, but being the First Lady in and of itself could possibly be considered a job. I mean, I know that I wouldn’t consider it work to travel all over the country for 21 months making public appearances, trying to raise two young daughters, having my entire life and relationship picked apart by the media and looking f**king fabulous doing it, but some people might. And it’s probably easy to “individuate” yourself from your husband when you have to share him with the rest of the free world, just sayin’.

On Adventure
Cosmo says: “They get out a lot.”

Kari says: Yes, I too try to keep “a strong circle of friends” and “look for new experiences” with my boyfriend, but sadly we are limited by our financial situation and the fact that we’re not, you know, the leader of our country. Possibly if Obama could lend me use of Airforce One for a week or two, my relationship can be “as sexy and compelling” as…my president’s.

The wise Dr. Kerner concludes with his declaration that the Obama’s have a great sex life—“and [he] doesn’t know when he’s been able to say that about a presidential couple—ever.” I guess Kerner’s sexpertism was predated by the Kennedy’s (and Marilyn Monroe). Anywho, I’m down with Cosmo’s tips for keeping the love alive…I’m just not so sure that using one of the most powerful couples in the free world as a model was quite the right decision for a mag that would usually run this story on someone like Heidi Klum and Seal.

However I suppose I can rest assured knowing that my president has a passionate relationship and not concern myself with how he plans to end the 7 year war my country is entangled in, or how he plans to correct the dismal state of our economy, or ponder how he has time to fill out presidential brackets on ESPN. A little less March Madness might have prevented this…