Dry Spells Make You Do Crazy Things (Like Vacuums)

It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten some. A long while. A length of time I’d rather not reflect on. A time filled with evenings spent indulging in sweet snacks and crappy pizza delivery to fill a void in my life, my bed and my….well, you know. But as much as I would prefer booty to breadsticks (even with ranch), it just hasn’t been my time.

By Lauren

Dear god, what have I done to deserve this?!

I’ve been getting rather desperate and even considered drinking alone at a bar last night in order to muster up the courage to bring someone (ANYONE) home. Then I turned on a rerun of The Millionaire Matchmaker, lost my motivation to leave the house, and “took care of things” on my own instead. Again. For the 5th night in a row.

So I can totally understand the desperation and downright carnal need of this Michigan man who was caught and sentenced to 90 days in prison for having sex with (yes, with) a car wash vacuum. Long stretches without any lovin’ can make anyone go crazy…and find vacuums attractive. He just needed to get some, dammit! (And he’d know that “lady” wouldn’t spit… Too far? My bad.)

Anyways, while I can see where this guy was comin’ from, I just hope to god that my personal spell of dryness ends before I find myself spending my nights humping the washing machine in my dorm’s laundry room. Pray for me.