Tights Are Not Pants (and Other SoCal Fashion Trends)

Ok. I admit it. I liked a few of the fashion changes that happened when I moved from the frozen tundra of NYC to the warmer Southern California climate. Gone are the turtlenecks and heavy jackets (have you ever tried to look sexy while resembling a marshmallow). They are replaced by slinky tops and leather jackets.

Heck, I can even dig the change from heels to flip-flops and gladiator sandals. It’s so much easier to walk back to your room at four in the morning when you don’t have to worry about stepping on broken glass. However, there are a few fashion statements that I can never understand.

1. Wearing scarves when the weather drops below 70. I’m from NYC, so I thought I understood scarves. You wear them when it’s ten below zero to keep you face from freezing off. Or, on the off chance that you forget your concealer and turtleneck at home, you wear it to your Monday morning class to cover up the massive bruise on your neck. But nothing in the world will convince me that the thin piece of fabric wrapped three times around your throat is doing anything to keep you warm. Especially when all you’re wearing with it is a miniskirt and Uggs. This brings me to my next fashion complaint.

2. Uggs. Has anyone ever actually looked at these monstrosities? Everyone constantly complains about the loser who wear Crocs, but no one says a word about these bad boys. And I hate to break it to you, but they do not make your feet look cute. In fact, they are down-right hideous. I realize that they’re comfy. Flips-flops serve the same function. I understand that they’re warm. Wear comfy sneakers and toe socks, or even fur lined boots. Only please, could you wear shoes that don’t resemble a cross between something out of a Tolstoy novel and a six years old drawing? Uggs. Ugly. See the resemblance. Please don’t wear the shoes.

3. Tights (and leggings) as pants. I’m not sure who started the trend, but suddenly tights stopped being the geeky thing your mom told you to wear to your fourth grade Valentine’s Day party and started becoming a fashion staple. And I couldn’t be happier. I could wear dresses in the winter in NYC and not resemble an icicle. However, I have never once considered them as a substitute to pants. Why didn’t anyone else get this memo? I’m sure you’ve seen this before -  you’re in line at your cafeteria and you hear something crash. You turn towards the sound and you see a girl bending down to pick up her tray and you can see every curve of her ass through those tights.

Believe me – it’s not flattering. In fact, it’s like watching a train wreck. You know it’s going to scar you for life, but you just can’t look away. Why are girls doing this? We spend years trying to find those perfect jeans that minimize our butts while making our legs look longer. Then, in one fell swoop, you destroy any illusion that your thighs were naturally that skinny. Tights as pants do not look good on anyone, regardless of your size. They maximize every calorie and show off the body parts that you’re squeamish about showing in bed. So here’s a new rule: if you would never wear a top without the tights, please don’t wear it with them.