Why He Doesn’t Call Back: Because It’s Easy

March 31, 2009 5:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Noa - CU Boulder g+ page

guy-on-phone1One of my biggest pet peeves with the male population is when a guy doesn’t call back. Yes, I know that I should take a hint from He’s Just Not That Into You and know that no call = no interest, but it still makes me mad.


By Noa

If a guy says he’s gonna call, then he should call. And if he’s not interested, then he should just suck it up, be a man, and tell me. I’m an adult – I can handle it. I who would rather have a definitive answer than be left wondering.

And wonder I do.

I can’t help it. As much as I know in my head that guys would call if they are interested, my heart takes control of the situation and I am left laying by the phone, willing it to ring. Or running to it every time it does in hopes that said boy has finally mustered up the courage to give me a buzz, only to be left disappointed when it’s my mother…again…calling to ask me what I thought of American Idol.

And then the tables turned.

I met a boy at the bar and in my booze-y haze I thought he was charming, cute and hilarious. We talked the whole night, went home together and had some fun in his living room. Why we couldn’t wait to take it to the bedroom I’ll never know, but I learned a valuable lesson that night about sex on a leather couch: don’t have it.

But I digress. The point is, after spending some time with him in the morning I realized that he was none of the things I was attracted to the night before. I just wasn’t that into him.

I gave him my number in the morning knowing full well I would never call him back. What else was I supposed to do? Refuse when he asked for it? Lie and tell him I don’t do that whole cell phone thing? Yeah right. Then I kissed him goodbye and told him we’d talk soon. I know I didn’t mean it, but  I didn’t know what else to say.

When he called me two days later to see if I wanted to come to his house party, I didn’t answer the call. Or the text. Or the Facebook friend request. “He’ll get the point,” I thought to myself. And so I never called back and awkwardly avoided him every time I saw him thereafter.

I didn’t realize what I was doing until a friend pointed it out to me. “You’re doing the same thing to him that you hate when guys do to you.”

Hm. I had never thought of it that way. It just felt so much different on this side of things; it made sense. Why hurt someone’s feelings by telling them you aren’t interested (or even figure out how to tell them that) when you can just ignore them and hope they get the point? Everyone knows that if you are interested you’d call back, so they should totally know that a lack of call-back means you aren’t into them. And you didn’t have to say anything/have an awkward conversation! It’s the perfect scenario.

Well, minus that whole “suck it up and be a man” thing. But I can’t help it; it’s just. so. easy. And they’ll get the point…eventually.

So tell me: what do you do in this situation? Do you tell them or just let it die?

27 Comments on "Why He Doesn’t Call Back: Because It’s Easy"

  1. Brit says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 200912:36 pm 

    I just ignore them. If asked, though, I'll let them know flat out im not interested…which has happened numerous times in the past. the worst is when they don't get the hint, though, and keep texting/IMing/calling. This is currently happening to me now, I'm ignoring this dude but he doesn't get the hint. I've stopped and realized the same, that he's not getting that I'm just not that interested. It sort of opens my eyes even more to the whole concept of no call, no interest. its nice to see things from the other POV sometimes.

  2. Lauren - University says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 200912:53 pm 

    Well, why don't you jsut tell him? He's clearly totally into you and thinks there is still a chance…

  3. Gwenivere says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 20091:01 pm 

    I'm REALLY picky, so I have no problem telling someone that I am not interested right away. It's just plain cruel to give somebody hope like that when you know you're only going to crush them later. I mean imagine how that poor guy must feel. I could never do that to somebody because I just couldn't hurt somebody on purpose like that.

  4. Sam says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 20091:03 pm 

    I don't like being mean, so I prefer the ignoring the situation at hand.. but I think I need to just be upfront.. there is this one guy that I seriously have not seen in two years that keeps texting me saying "we should do something soon. It's been a while" YES buddy it's been two YEARS, get the hint.

  5. Alana- Boston Univer says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 20093:15 pm 

    A similar thing happened to me this past weekend. Met a guy, wasn't really feeling it, gave him my number when he asked. If he calls, I'll probably end up seeing him. I'm bad at turning people down.

  6. Casey says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 20096:51 pm 

    Sam, The exact same thing happens to me all the time. Any guy that I'm really not into, who I end up giving my number to so I don't have to reject them, ends up calling/texting/iming/facebooking/myspacing etc. for about 2 years and NEVER. GET. THE. HINT. when I don't ever respond TO ANYTHING!

    I have a boyfriend now so I don't have to worry about it anymore, but before my BF and I got together I would tell guys I wasn't interested in, and didn't want to have my number, that I had a boyfriend (but then you get those guys that are like "so what, you're not married are you?" That's when I tell them "That's exactly why I would never associate with you" and I usually get called a bitch, loudly, in front of everyone.)

    This situation always sucks.

  7. Kay says:
    Tue, 31st Mar 20096:06 pm 

    Just tell them. Isn't it actually easier to just do it and get it over with, rather than to deal with messages/texts days after the fact?

  8. Clare says:
    Wed, 1st Apr 20095:22 am 

    I tell the guy I'm not interested. You don't have to have a heart-to-heart at a quiet bistro. I find email or a Facebook message works fine for this. Just tell the guy you're not interested and wish him the best in finding him someone who complements him better than you do. Works every time.

    I wish dudes who weren't interested in me were as courteous as I am!

  9. Ducker says:
    Wed, 1st Apr 20099:12 am 

    let it die babe…let it die. just dont run into him at the mall or wherever it tends to get awkward.

  10. Me says:
    Thu, 2nd Apr 20095:08 am 

    I decided that I shouldn't ignore guys because it makes me feel like crap when they do that to me. I called the guy and told him straight out that I didn't see us being anything more than friends. It was really awkward at the moment, but I think it was definitely the right thing to do. Now he's not sitting there wondering why I'm not answering his texts and I have it off of my mind. Honesty is definitely the way to go. It makes you feel so much better!

  11. Sarah says:
    Sun, 5th Apr 20092:12 pm 

    I always hate when guys do that, so I've tried to be up front as well about how I feel.

    The first time I didn't actually get a chance, because the guy didn't actually call me, he would just approach me whenever we ran into each other and awkwardly (and creepily) stand there in what he probably thought was a flirtatious manner. Thank god I never had to receive that awkward phone call.

    The other was some guy I met at a club. I actually did call him back, told him I didn't want to pursue anything because I wasn't interested. He said to call if I decided I wanted to hang out anyway. I decided not to call, since he had given me the option. I thought it was fair not to pick up the second time.

    It's tough, though. I get why guys do it, having experienced the feeling–but if we have the balls to do it, they should too.

  12. amy511 says:
    Sun, 5th Apr 20093:44 pm 

    I am currently experiencing this form a guy I was seeing for 3 months…ewww what's that about? we spent 3-4 days a week together and out of the blue – he says "sorry I'm an ass – but you're wonderful" "it's nothing to do with you" he won't return any calls texts or emails

    I gave up – but i'm still left wondering what I did or didn't do –

    I figure yea it's his issues and he has to deal with them – but it will certainly be the last time I avoid someone without an explanation – no matter how akward the convo will be..

    Kharma's a bitch!

  13. Jill says:
    Fri, 10th Apr 200912:28 pm 

    If you cared enough to talk to someone in the first place, or whatever else, you obviously were polite so why not have the balls to own up to a deicision you have made to call it off. I know the way it made me feel and I wouldn’t do it to anyone else as ackward as it is, it’s the right thing to do – be honest. Do unto others…. unless of course your dealing with a coward.

  14. Mel says:
    Fri, 10th Apr 200910:48 pm 

    It’s incredibly selfish to commit “disappearing acts” from anyone. It’s painful if a potential employer doesn’t respond after a great interview, it’s annoying if a friend doesn’t come through, but mostly it’s just plain rude to disregard communication from a partner especially if you’ve been intimate. We’ve all been on the receiving end of some kind of disappearance and it’s been hurtful. You start doubting yourself and wondering what “I” did wrong. And when the tables are turned what do you do? The same thing you abhor. If you’re not into someone just say it. I’m not into you. I don’t click with you. It’s better to be honest from the get go, and who knows that same person you politely rejected might be very valuable to you in the future. Always check your karma and do on to others as you would have done to you….

  15. Ashley Davis says:
    Mon, 13th Apr 20091:29 pm 

    WOW… this totally opened my eyes.I would totally do the ignore thing to the guy and for some reason always be pissed when it happened to me. Its crazy how by just listening to someone else's story will open your eyes to your very own experiences.

  16. natasha says:
    Sun, 30th Aug 200910:03 am 

    ok, this does explain a typical no-phonecall situation. but a very different thing happened to me… a cute guy with whom i have some mutual friends told them that he thought i was very pretty. around a month later they introduced him to me and we chatted for a while (it all went really well, i wasnt to keen but still acted quite interested). when he was leaving he asked me for my number (in a really cute, shy way) and… never called (it happened two weeks ago). what do you guys think about the whole situation? i should prob. just stop waiting for a phone call,right?

  17. Laura says:
    Fri, 16th Oct 20096:39 pm 

    why not just be honest with people if you are truly not interested? It's not always comfortable, but neither is the alternative of leading the other on and letting them wonder. If it does not feel good why do it?

  18. KARA says:
    Wed, 13th Jan 20106:39 pm 

    I think its wrong for anyone not to be honest. You know its not that a person doesnt get it, if the other one doesnt answer their text or calls, its not that at all. some just always have hope that the person not being honest with you will finally say something.

    Its rude for others to do what their doing. Women also, not just men.

  19. Nesseroo says:
    Thu, 18th Feb 20104:05 am 

    I tell a person if I'm not feeling anything. It's the right thing to do and spares the other person a lot of pain. It's about integrity, the choice of values a person chooses to live their life by. If a guy says he's going to call me, I'm not sitting around waiting for him to call me, I'm sitting around to see IF he calls me – follows through on his word. If he doesn't follow through, he did me the favor of showing me, early on, that he lacked the values that I was looking for, before I had wasted any more time on him.

  20. Uhhyeah says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20105:17 am 

    I believe in being totally honest with people when it comes to relationships and hate it when the disappearing act occurs to me. I just recently jumped back into the dating scene though and I'm finding guys hard to shake off. There are a few that I have flat plainly told that I'm not interested in them, I don't want to pursue a relationship and then I end up getting begged to give them a chance. I'm left with no choice at this point but to put their emails on auto delete, calls on block and simply ignore them. Eventually they should get the idea…

  21. Jane says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20106:50 pm 

    Has anyone thought about this?

    If a guy goes out of his way to ask a girl for her number, and then doesn't use it he is leading her on to believe he is interested.

    If a girl gives a guy her number after he asks her for it but doesn't pick up if he does call she might have been just afraid to turn him down.

    Two different things, however disshonest.

  22. tantric massage says:
    Sun, 19th Feb 20127:41 pm 

    what happens when you're certain a guy is really into you but he never calls? I mean the date was great and you both got on very well but you never heard from him again? Argh people are so complicated…

  23. Kathy says:
    Sun, 30th Sep 20123:14 am 

    I tell them that it is not working for me anymore that I need more from my friend, more talking or seeing or whatever the case maybe. I know how hard it is for me to have the person disappear for no reason and you don't know what happened. I would rather know, maybe they found someone else and they tell you, at least you know now. It is freeing and you can now move on.

  24. Kathy says:
    Sun, 30th Sep 20123:21 am 

    Be honest with them and let them down easy, just reply then it is over in a second. One day it will happen to you and then you will know how it feels. Maybe you like guys fawning over you for a 2 years and you like the attention.

Tell us what you're thinking...