Hooking Up: Guy Loyalty vs. Girl Loyalty

April 6, 2009 5:00 pm     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Ali - Syracuse University g+ page

maryams-birthday-party15.jpgOne recent night at the bar, as I was sipping on my Long Island, a nearby guy began hitting on me. He asked me to dance, and my inebriated-state told me that this was a good idea. However, upon our dancing (read: trying to maintain balance in heels) and conversing (read: finding out basic facts), he told me casually that he used to see one of my sorority sisters. He said that he was surprised he hadn’t met me before, as he had slept at the house so often.


By Ali

Red Flag.

Peace out, playa.

He seemed a little peeved and surprised that I was no longer interested in “gettin’ out of here” with him. Um, hello? You used to hook up with one of my sisters!

On my chilly, wobbly and lonely walk home, I started thinking about the whole situation.Why was this guy surprised at my sudden complete lack of interest? Moreover, why wasn’t knowing that I knew his ex a big red flag for him, too?

We gals seem to take our friendships pretty seriously, which is great, especially since we are generally pretty sensitive. I know that I personally want to stay away from any guy that a friend has hooked up with (not the one night random make-out sesh, but rather the quasi-dating, every Friday night, constant hookup). If there is any kind of girl-relationship in question, I just back out. It’s just not worth the potential drama that could ensue, and friendships are far more important.

Even if the girl doesn’t care, or says she doesn’t care, it comes down to a loyalty and respect issue. And, basically, there’s just something kind of skeevy about getting with someone’s throw-away. If you hooked up with my best friend last night, I probably don’t want your lips on my lips…or anywhere else on me.

So why don’t guys feel the same way or, at least, understand and respect that girls do? I think it may be because guys value the competition involved in picking up a girl on a night out, so they don’t particularly care who she has been with, even if it’s the guy he eats breakfast with every morning. And maybe it just comes down to the fact that guys don’t care about dating history – not the guy who used to be with the girl or the guy who is with her now.

Well, maybe that is all good for the guys, but it just seems a little wrong to me. Where is the loyalty? Where is the respect?

What do you CC readers think? Would you hook up with a guy that your friend has seen? Do you think that guys don’t abide by the same policy?

21 Comments on "Hooking Up: Guy Loyalty vs. Girl Loyalty"

  1. Rebecca says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 200912:41 pm 

    I wish all girls felt this same way…

    In the end, not everyone holds that same degree of respect and some of us get screwed over immensely.

  2. julie says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20091:03 pm 

    i agree with rebecca. but i can't really say anything because i've hooked up with this guy, his older brother, and his best friend. so guys definitely don't care.

  3. LucyInTheSky says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20091:14 pm 

    I think it depends on how close you are with the friend though. I am also in a sorority, and I've hooked up with guys that my sisters have hooked up with. I've even recently been hooking up with this guy that one of my sisters dated for 3 years (but they've been broken up for 3 now). She is my sister but she's not one of my best friends either. I try to interpret whether or not it would hurt that person, and go from there.

  4. Meregan says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20094:59 pm 

    It's the opposite case for me…three of my five closest girlfriends from freshman year have hooked up with my ex (we dated for two years), whereas I'm apparently off-limits to his friends. I just wouldn't go there. It amazes me my girlfriends didn't think there was anything weird about it.

  5. Casey says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20096:01 pm 

    I think if two people click, who gives two shits who they've been with. They obviously aren't with them now and they is certainly a reason that they are no longer together. People can not claim ownership over another person so if two people mesh well it is there business and theirs alone. You girls all know how hard it is to find "Mr. Right" and making every hookup you have ever had and every guy you've ever dated (and for some girls, these are a lot) off limits to your "girls" that is greatly lowering their chances of ever finding a guy. I absolutely hate this "rule". To me it is stupid, petty, and just one more reason for girls to be bitchy, catty, and illogical. No wonder we don't make sense to guys. If a girl has a problem with their friend dating their ex it is probably one of a couple reasons 1. They aren't over the guy (this is their problem, not yours, if they aren't with him they need to get over him, especially if they are with someone else) 2. The guy treated them badly and they don't want you to be treated the same way. (Well that's nice of them to look out for their friend, but it's your life, you need to be able to take care of yourself and make your own decisions). I don't think it's a "loyalty" issue, I think it's a "girls are jealous bitches" issue.

  6. Casey says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20096:13 pm 

    one more thing i wanted to add, I am still friends with all of my exes. My best friend has hooked up with (and went out on a couple dates with) my ex of 3 years, she has also hooked up with 3 other guys that I hooked up with regularly, and I am in the process of trying to set her up with another of my exes. I am friends with my exes and I want to see them happy. Obviously we weren't meant to be together so I don't want to deprive them of finding someone who they are meant to be with. And Obviously I love my best friend and want to see her happy and if one of my exes can do it for her then there are two people that I love who are happy. Why wouldn't I want that? Why wouldn't we all want that?

  7. Eric Sornoso says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20096:29 pm 

    In college, it can be a tough decision, and a Pet Peeve for most. I have seen it happen so many times since friends hang out with friends, therefore, the same community of people are always interact with each other, and people have needs.

    As a recent college graduate, I still see people hook up with other individuals past girlfriends/boyfriends, and still undecided on my verdict.

    If you would like to see other Pet Peeves with Sex, and College, please check out http://www.mypetpeeves.com

    Btw, Great Article.

  8. Patrice says:
    Mon, 6th Apr 20097:48 pm 

    I personally would be really hurt if one of my sorority sisters hooked up with or started dating my ex. I think it just depends on the situation. I am maybe not all the way over my ex, where if I was I maybe wouldn't mind as much. I think it just depends on the situation and the people involved. Sometimes it could work out.

  9. susanawalsh says:
    Tue, 7th Apr 20093:17 am 

    Obviously, you don't want to do anything to cause pain to a really good friend. But I agree with Casey here. Arbitrary rules about not ever being with someone's ex make no sense. I've seen many girls get territorial this way over guys they have dumped. There were obviously no hurt feelings there, so it's more a matter of pride. It makes no sense for two people who are genuinely compatible to avoid each other because they happened to meet each other's friends first. I've seen guys enforce this "rule" a lot too, though. I wrote a post about this issued called The Man Code Sucks: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/03/20/hookingu…

  10. sauer kraut says:
    Tue, 7th Apr 20094:49 am 

    Maybe it's my own personality problem but I could never sack out with a chick a fellow frat brother hooked up with. Maybe I was too selective; they certainly didn't have the same problem.

  11. belle says:
    Tue, 7th Apr 20093:05 pm 

    Just because you're in a sorority that doesn't mean all of your "sisters" are your friends. I took a "sister's" ex to a formal once, and not even as a date, just as friends, and she hasn't gotten over it 5 years later. We were never friends – I bet she wouldn't even invite me to her birthday party – yet somehow she thinks I should have loyalty to her and not become involved with any of her exes b/c we happen to be in the same house. That's just weird. But I do think that if a real friend feels upset about you dating her ex then you should have respect for that. Otherwise, it's clear that you put finding a guy over your respect for your friendship – which makes you not a real friend afterall.

  12. belle says:
    Tue, 7th Apr 20093:07 pm 

    Also, the guy in the green shirt in the picture above looks like someone's creepy little brother. What is he doing there and why is this couple making out while sitting on this poor blonde girl??

  13. Al Grant says:
    Tue, 7th Apr 20097:11 pm 

    I know how some other guys don't have much loyalty or whatever

    you want to call it.But,don't give me the line you are trying to pass off.I can't believe your BS.Sounds like you weren't drunk enough and didn't even know what sorority sister hooked-up with the guy.It's quantity or quality some guys look for.Don't be so full of yourself.

  14. Guy says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20099:21 pm 

    I wouldn't do that, guys still give a shit if the relationship was serious in any way.

  15. leah anna says:
    Wed, 17th Mar 201011:10 am 

    trying to avoid a situation we decided to never date someone our sorority sister really liked. My closest friend is putting quite a few guys off limits…..how do I handle this

  16. elly says:
    Fri, 26th Mar 201010:18 am 

    actually a lot of the guys I know have the same type of rules as the girls. because guys can be more competitive, they are more protective of who they've hooked up with. and if the guys are close enough they seem to look out for the bros.

  17. Andrew says:
    Wed, 31st Mar 20101:20 am 

    I’ve been around both sides of this situation, and I think the ethics are pretty clear. Don’t hook up with someone who’s seeing a friend of yours, don’t do it if they’ve recently split, especially if it was a long term thing. If it’s a casual acquaintance of yours, or the previous relationship wasn’t a big deal, don’t worry about it. If it’s somewhere in between, talk to your friend.

  18. Alan Clodman says:
    Tue, 29th Jun 20109:48 am 

    I think it makes complete sense, what you say about not hooking up with a guy who's slept with a friend, but aww.. c'mon, guys can't help it you know! You should read this post I've written at http://www.lovepanky.com about girl's loyalties and guy's issues. I think you'll love it! And hey, this is a great article, it's very well written! Love it!

  19. Jane says:
    Fri, 21st Jan 201112:24 am 

    I think it all depends on how you handle the individual situation. I was seeing this guy for about 10 months. There was alot of drama and stepped on feelings in that time and eventually it turned into us being friends with benefits instead of dating. The only ground rule I set was that if he wanted to start hooking up with other people, to give me a heads up because I didn't want all the implication that came with that. We hooked up (what ended up being the last time, unbeknownced to me) in November and then all of a sudden he dropped of the face of the earth. This is kindof weird since we have many mutual friends. About a month later, one of my best friends calls me to tell me that the two of them are seeing each other. I was speechless. I asked her how long, she paused, and then replied "several weeks….." in a very vague tone which undoubtedly means that they were either hooking up while I was still seeing him, or at the very most, a day after the last time he and I had hooked up. Suddenly the absolute silence on his part made sense.

  20. Jane says:
    Fri, 21st Jan 201112:24 am 

    After all this, I can honestly say the main thing that pisses me off is how the situation was handled. All it would have taken was a mere text on his part to call things off with me. Instead, he decided ignoring me completely and waiting for me to find out a month later was a better option. Had he, or my apparent friend just told me from the get-go and been honest, I would have been fine with it. The fact that they didn't and that numerous mutual friends of ours knew and were keeping the dirty little secret from me just makes me feel embarassed.

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