Sexy Time: Love Stoned

April 20^th, 2009.
A day for “relaxing,” eating, and…hooking up?

Surprisingly, stoned sex is one of the things on many girls’4/20 to-“do” lists that they just haven’t gotten around to. Before you jump right in this Monday, however, I thought I would do a little research and analysis for ya. Here’s what I would imagine, and what I have learned, could go wrong during some blazed boo-tay.

Cotton mouth kisses – Now this is one thing many girls have had the displeasure of experiencing. Unless you plan ahead and strategically place a 32 oz. Nalgene of water next to your bed, you may be in for a sticky situation. Think about it – kissing doesn’t really work that well without the spit.

Distractions – I don’t know about you, but anything can catch my attention and keep it for some time, even when I’m sober. Last weekend, for instance, my friend told me that she didn’t move her eyes off the TV when Titanic was on – while she was making out with her boyfriend. Throw a little hashish into the mix, and what is happening south of the border is the last thing on your mind. First thing:  the cookie dough in the refrigerator.

Awkward maneuvers – Think of all of the awkward things you’ve done during random hook-ups. Now add all of them together and multiply by 2,000, and viola! you have stoned sex. Obviously the degree of awkwardness depends on how comfortable you are with the person and where the hook-up takes place. His bedroom? Ok. The middle of a movie theatre parking lot after seeing Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D? Not so much.

Food attraction – Sometimes eating is just more pleasurable than sex. The other night, for example, my friend Jade sacrificed her hook-up for a Cadbury Cream Egg. You may not admit it now, but I know all of you would have done the exact same thing.

“Just laying there” – Admit it – you know you can be prettyyy lazy after smoking a bowl or two. If somebody asks you if you want to hook up, you’d probably say something along the lines of “I’m down like a clown, Charlie Brown.” But if somebody tells you to get on top, you’d probably just roll over and grunt like a wild boar. Of course you’d let the guy still go for it, but you know he can’t expect anything more from you than inaudible, barely-sexy murmurs.

Now, according to some, stoned sex can have its benefits. I’m in no way condoning sex while under the influence of illicit drugs, but here are what the experts have to say about the subject. Also, if you have some extra time, I encourage you to check out Chapter 13 of the book “On Being Stoned” by Charles T. Tart, Ph.D. He actually took the time to conduct legit studies about the effects of stoned sex. It’s amazing – who knew somebody could actually have that much free time?

- 9% to 31% of Stoned Sex-ers reported feeling “…much closer mental contact with my partner; it is much more a union of souls as well as bodies.” Apparently, this occurs most frequently among college-educated users. Wassupppp.
- 6% to 28% say that “Sexual orgasms [have] new qualities, pleasurable qualities, when stoned.” According to the article, it often takes “a strong level of intoxication” to reach this effect. Probably the first and only book I’ll ever read that tells me to smoke more weed.
- Other various experiences include such statements as “…face of another…will change even as I watch it”; “surfaces rougher…graininess forms interesting patterns…”, and, in the authors words: “One woman can become another woman, many women, all women. Woman.”

What I wanna know is 1) what part of the human body would be rough and grainy during sex and 2) who laced your pot with peyote?