An Open Letter to the Drunk Girl at the Party

April 18, 2009     Posted in HaHa

drunk-girls-are1Dearest Sloptart,

36

By Cristina

As much as I would love to silently judge your drunken mistakes, I can’t help but  laugh it off, talk about you to my friends and hope that I just caught you after you had a horrible week (which is slightly understandable, right?) However, in most cases, I caught you in your element, flashing the party your new bedazzled thong while sloppily trying to climb up on the beer pong table to dance.  Ohh, here we go…

There are a few ways that you can tell you’re “that mess” the entire party is talking about (but you can’t hear because you’re busy screaming the lyrics of “If You Seek Amy”).

- Dancing with your arms above your head…to every song…on a table.
- Tossing your cookies on people or just barely before reaching the bathroom.
- Falling down (or even up) the stairs in front of everyone.
- Crying over…literally anything and everything
- “Oh my goddd i lovvee you!”
- Not being afraid to make out with that random guy (or girl) for a few pictures.
- Passing out in random places and finding “please insert here” with an arrow pointing down on your stomach when you wake up.
- Slowly disrobing at a rate of… every five minutes or less.
- Finding yourself hugging the toilet bowl at the end of the night tighter than when you hugged your teddy bear a decade earlier

Well, home girl, don’t sweat your already smeared makeup off, because I’m not criticizing!  This letter is for you drunkies who have taught me many valuable lessons from you’re absolutely annihilated nights.  After much observing of your dazed decisions, I don’t want to say “WTF is wrong with you!?” What I really want to say is Thanks.

Thanks for making me look so much better, mature, put together, and all around sexy while standing next to your drunk ass.

Thanks for being brave enough to steal that 40 oz. from the fridge, and then dumb enough to hand it over to me, FO’ FREE!

Thanks for running down the street screaming with just a tank top and jeans on (in 30 degree weather), allowing the cops to easily spot and tackle you before they get to me.

Thanks for leaving your jacket at the party. I love my new fleece!

Thanks for passing out in the bathroom so I could start flirting with the guy you were falling all over all night.

Thanks for drunkenly opening a tab and offering free drinks to everyone standing around you.

Thanks for giving me and my friends something to laugh at that night, and days later.

But most importantly, Thanks for teaching me how NOT to act at a party.

36 Comments on "An Open Letter to the Drunk Girl at the Party"

  1. BOOZA says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 200912:52 pm 

    WELL PUT, CRISTINA :)

  2. Gambino says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20091:24 pm 

    Hey Tos, how many of our friends do we know like that. ;-)

  3. Samantha says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20091:27 pm 

    Thanks for making me look so much better, mature, put together, and all around sexy while standing next to your drunk ass.

    Totally agree. It's nice to start off thinking, "uh, maybe I shouldn't have had that last one…" and end with, "but at least I'm not THAT girl. Hell yes."

  4. charlotte says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20092:16 pm 

    this is pure genius. im this girl sometimes but i know you still love me :)

    except for the crying?

  5. mel says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20093:09 pm 

    I've been this girl ONCE. neverrr againnnnn…lol

    Although, no matter how drunk I am, I never forget that I'm broke and would NEVER offer anyone drinks on my tab..hahaa

  6. Casey says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20093:19 pm 

    My old bestie was/is always this girl. I remember countless occasions where I had had waaaay more to drink than her and yet still had to drive her home, hold her hair back as she puked, and check up on her in the bathroom all night to make sure she wasn't drowning in a puddle of vomit, or the toilet. I pray college has changed her for the better (and yet I have my doubts).

  7. Roberto says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20096:29 pm 

    wow bitter as hell

  8. Amy says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 20098:36 pm 

    I dont think she is bitter. Anyways some of those party girls are so tacky.

  9. Mary says:
    Sat, 18th Apr 200910:33 pm 

    ha, perfect!

  10. Lynda says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20095:28 am 

    Never wil i b her!

  11. Melvin says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20098:31 am 

    this is an article of pure perfection and magnificence

    its pretty damn good. True too

  12. rusty kuntz says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20098:33 am 

    sloptart…glad to see uve been listening to me

  13. ZAchary says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 200910:13 am 

    That is so dead on. Perfectly put cristina. i dont think ive been "that guy" yet. (hopefully i never will be)

  14. Jonathan says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20092:09 pm 

    Nicely put, Cristina. I think you captured the quintessential "sloptart", as you so elegantly put it. I can honestly picture in my head, a girl dancing on a table to the beat of Jimmy Buffett's "If You Like Pina Colada."

  15. Jacqui says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20093:02 pm 

    So, you are more of a class act by posting this on the internet to disgrace her even more?

  16. clevelandbeliever says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20094:04 pm 

    I understand "that girl" at a party can be pretty annoying, but I've never come across one that bothered me enough to come home and blog about her. Seems like this author has a chip on her shoulder for not being the drunkest person at a party. Big deal. There were probably dozens of other people at this party in the same boat. Don't use someone else's mistakes as a confidence booster.

  17. Rachel says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 20097:27 pm 

    The poor parents.

  18. E says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 200910:41 pm 

    Sounds like you might be a little bitter about watching the boy you liked go in a room with the drunk girl.

    Just kidding.

    Drunk girls can be quite funny and fun.

  19. She talks like June says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 200910:49 pm 

    umm….and you were the wall flower at the party. The one who was too shy to dance and no one talked to and stood in a corner composing a blog post?

    The world is such a happier place with drunk girls.

  20. anna says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 200911:32 pm 

    no one wants to be that girl, but sometimes it happens. it seems like you think you're a lot better of a person than her, and you're just judging her on one thing. has this really NEVER happened to you? do you REALLY think that it will never happen to you? you should put these things into perspective before totally thrashing someone that you probably barely know.

  21. Christina says:
    Sun, 19th Apr 200911:43 pm 

    Let's talk about the fact that she is a blogger…and it's what she does. So she goes and blogs about it. No biggie.

    If you don't want to read it, there's plenty of blogs out there, go read something else.

    Personally, I think this was a great entertaining article. And SO DAMN TRUE. Good job!

  22. lovemedeux says:
    Mon, 20th Apr 20093:16 am 

    Cristina,

    Classic. The saddest part is, sloptarts only get older–and not any wiser. I'm about to do my MBA and have been out of undergrad for 7 years and the girls only seem to get stupider, drunker and more ridiculous. And you're right, we look put together compared to that train wreck.

    I actually talk about sloptarts in my latest blog entry on "Top Four Reasons Why I Would Leave A Party–And Tout De Suite http://lovemedeux.wordpress.com. I will incorporate "sloptart" into my verbiage from now on.

    Thanks for the great post!

  23. Kellie says:
    Mon, 20th Apr 20092:57 pm 

    well cristina…i laughed the whole time i was reading this…probably because i feel like some of these points are about me, but thats okay i take full responsibility for my actions and their effects. also i think most of us have puked at least once in our drinking days…but there are the lucky ones that are blessed.

    crying i can name someone…

  24. Allison says:
    Mon, 20th Apr 20096:23 pm 

    I saw a girl like this at a party the other night…it was hilarious. She was all over this guy, dancing and singing, and then out of nowhere, she BIT HIS NIPPLE. I don't know why, but she did, and his reaction was fabulous.

  25. kae says:
    Mon, 20th Apr 20097:43 pm 

    haha this is great. couldn't have said it better.

  26. Destini says:
    Wed, 22nd Apr 20093:33 pm 

    UR WELCOME.

    lol.Any party I ever drink at is always mine, and its my party I can puke if I want to. Dont like it, get out.

  27. sauer kraut says:
    Wed, 22nd Apr 20096:11 pm 

    Reminds me of all those nights I held Annie O'Connell's head out of the terlet… she's now an administrator for Mass General. Guess she finally learned how to be drunk without the dunk.

    Never thought to right "fun" or "fun spot" on her thigh, tho. … I always miss all the fun.

  28. sauer kraut says:
    Wed, 22nd Apr 20096:12 pm 

    write, not right

  29. Stephanie says:
    Fri, 24th Apr 20091:58 pm 

    I'm glad SOMEONE said this! I stopped drinking all together & now I know how stupid people look!

  30. Pirjo Honkala says:
    Fri, 15th May 20092:00 am 

    Who`s this girl, I want ton know the girl name, Iwant to help her!

  31. Anonymous says:
    Wed, 23rd Dec 200912:57 pm 

    Видел что-то похожее в буржунете, в Русском инете про такое как-то не особо часто сообщения увидишь.

  32. Justine says:
    Tue, 29th Dec 20095:53 am 

    Christina,

    One: "Sloptart" is an awesome word.

    Two: This is great, I hope all the "That Girls" In the Universe get their hands on this. At the same time, I hope not. It's waaaay too much fun watching them make themselves look stupid.

    Three: Everyone here who's pissed at you for blogging this is probably friends with or is "That Girl". People make mistakes. When your mistakes are pointed out to you (which this article is doing), learn from them. Don't bitch about it. Get over yourselves already.

  33. WorldlyDelight says:
    Tue, 11th Oct 201110:49 pm 

    Hey, is this girl from NC? She looks very familiar and what you have said while talking about her sounds just like the person!

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