Overheard: Everybody’s F**king Angry!

By John

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(A guy, sitting by himself in a computer lab. )

Guy, loudly: Okay, if this doesn’t work, I’m gonna beat the sh*t out of somebody. Okay. … Sh*t! F**K! God, okay, what the f**k. I’m getting angry. Seriously! So fucking angry!

(Girl, screaming at someone on the phone.)

Girl: … Everything about you! Everything! You’ve got a receding hairline! You’ve got a… a concave jaw! I can’t stand it!

(A girl, yelling at a giant stuffed frog she’s holding.)

Girl: Listen! No, shut up! I’m not shutting up! Shut up, this is stupid! Stupid!

(Turning to another girl nearby.)

Girl: It’s okay, I’m not crazy.

(Girls on couches.)

Girl 1: Scarlett Johanssen.

Girl 2: Oh, for sure. If Scarlett Johanssen and Hugh Laurie were here right now, I’d punch my boyfriend unconscious and then I’d have a threesome with them.

(Guy, sipping a beer.)

Guy: Beer tastes better with a mint in my mouth. Everything tastes better with a mint in my mouth. Cheese. Sex.

(Guy and girl, working at separate desks.)

Guy: Oh, crap. What do I do if I have a bad package?

Girl: Not an issue. I’m sure you’ve got a great package, hon.

(Two guys, smoking on a bench.)

Guy 1: Man, what’s he doing this weekend anyway? Probably sucking his own dick or something.

Guy 2: Yeah.

(Beat.)

Guy 1: Well, I guess it’s better than whatever I’m doing.

(Guys and girls, sitting at a dining hall table.)

Guy: I love everything my hands do. They’re so powerful.

Girl: Is this something I want to know about?

Guy: No, it’s fine! Nothing weird! They’re just like little clowns.

(Girl on phone.)

Girl: … And then my parents said, “no! Just use your drug money!” Can you believe it?

(Girl at a party.)

Girl: Anyone want to play strip poker? Without the poker? And I guess with more sex?

(Guy, yelling across the road.)

Guy: Hey! Guess what’s in this water bottle! Hint! It’s not water, and if I drank it all, I would probably die!

(Girls eating breakfast.)

Girl 1: Less than a month. I’m so excited.

Girl 2: The baby?

Girl 1: Oh. No, I was talking about Star Trek. Yeah, I guess the baby too.