Miss Manners: Urinal Etiquette

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

Just for fun, I’ve decided to lighten up this week’s column with an article on urinal etiquette. I get such a laugh every time a guy friend walks out of a public restroom screaming, “He was staring at my penis!! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON’T LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY’S SHLONG!” Come to think of it, this seems to happen an awful lot. Hm.. what does this say about the company I keep? Perhaps I should work on being a little more suspicious of my friends..

Anyway, while I do that, here is some suggested reading for you guys (and interested gals). Since I lack the appendage in question, I had to enlist my dear friend and urinal expert, Justin G., to clue me in. Enjoy! ** Warning: This post is pretty crude. If you’d much rather learn about something a lot daintier, feel free to read up on how to be a good house guest or what to do when you meet his family.

Guy: Say you’re at a baseball game. The team you’re cheering on is on a roll, home run after home run. Despite not wanting to miss the moment, nature’s call begins to take its toll on you, and you run as fast as you possibly can to the restroom. You’re lucky; no line means a quick trip back to the ballgame, but the stalls are broken down. The urinal is your only option.

Say someone else runs in with the same intentions. Left with the same options, he takes his place at the urinal next to you. [WRONG! See rule 5] What follows is a long, awkward absence of speech, with the only sound being the constant pattering of your internal water supply splashing on the cold, white marble. Unable to stand it, you quickly tuck yourself back in and (after washing your hands, of course) you rush out the door- only to realize that you still need to pee. Sucks, huh?

Moral: There’s a proper etiquette to using public urinals with an audience. Following these unspoken rules can help avoid awkwardness and can lead to a pleasant, uneventful bathroom break.

Don’t Make Eye Contact - Nothing is weirder than taking a glance over at your neighbor, let alone making full eye contact. Maintaining it for the duration of your trip, however, makes the act downright disturbing and could potentially qualify as sexual harassment. Instead…

Look straight ahead. No glancing around at anyone else’s business. Stare at the wall in front of you. Mentally write your lab paper. Daydream. Think of the Family Guy episode you just watched. Read the graffiti. Trust me, the sh*t people write is so much funnier than what’s going on next to you.

Speaking of funny, Don’t Make Jokes. Randomly saying “Dropping the kids off at the pool, too, eh?” does not help you bond with your neighbor – it makes you creepy. This goes for random bursts of laughter too. Unless you’re drunk, that definitely does not fly, especially if the jacked guy right next to you thinks that you’re laughing at him.

Whether there are 3 urinals or 30 empty, pick the one furthest away from me. I hate it when there are like 7 empty urinals and I go to the one all the way in the corner and then someone follows me to that corner. . WTF? Go away! Why would you want to plop your penis RIGHTNEXT to mine??

Oh, and don’t be the ass who picks the middle urinal if there are only 3. That leaves the guy after you only two options, neither of which are pleasant. He could hold his pee until you finish OR he could say screw it and decide to relieve himself next to you.

If your only option is to pee between two guys, leave. Stand outside the door if you like and wait for one of them to come out. No point in squeezing your way in and subjecting yourself to twice the awkwardness.

Use the barriers. I hate it when people don’t use the barriers properly. Like when they stand super far back from the urinal and I can see their entire package out of my peripheral. I especially hate this because it almost always leads to drippage- where they MISS and the pee hits the barrier before spraying all over the place. Also high on the list: when they’re standing so far back from the urinal (extra douchebag points if they’re also leaning back) that their golden shower falls short of the urinal and rains down onto the ground…splashing my new Jordans. Accidents only happen if you let them. I once had the unfortunate experience of someone urinating on my leg. Granted, it was a “friend” that did it and it certainly wasn’t an accident.

No noises. Yeah, I’m glad you can finally relieve your bladder but don’t start making any satisfied noises. No sighs. No moans. No “Ahhhhh”s and “Oooohh”s. And definitely no “Oh yeah”s. I don’t ever want to hear another man moan while my pants are down and my penis is exposed. Oh, and for heaven’s sake- no grunting!

Don’t poop in the urinal. I’ve never actually seen this one happen, but my friends swear to me that they have. Gross. Urinals are for number 1, guys, not 2.

Wash your hands. I’ll admit that I’m lazy. Sometimes I wear the same outfit for a week, sometimes I “forget” to shower, and, when the remote is all the way across the room, I call up my roommate and make him get it. As lazy as I am though, I ALWAYS (okay, mostly always) wash my hands. You should too. Sorry, but I don’t want to shake your hand right after you’ve held your penis. Stay out of the bowl of nuts on the bar too, people actually eat those.

Skinny jeans. I don’t know if this counts, but I can’t stand it when other guys wear skinny jeans that are so tight that they have to completely pull down their pants to take a piss. When I walk into the bathroom, I don’t want to be assaulted by the image of your bare ass as you pee. It’s a bathroom, keep it classy (well.. as classy as it can get in the guys bathroom, anyway).

… and that’s all for now folks.

Whew! I never thought being a guy was that hard. Really, I thought being able to stand up and pee was the best thing since cupcakes. Looks like the boys have a lot more to worry about in the bathroom.

Now it’s your turn – any embarrassing bathroom stories you’d like to share (girls welcome too)? Do you have any other tips that weren’t mentioned? Ever been peed on? Tell us in the comments section!