The Celebretard Showdown: Paris vs. Heidi Montag

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which D-List celebrity is more annoying, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between none other than our two favoritest of celeretards: Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Who will take the d-bag cake? It’s a really difficult decision to make, so let’s break it down.

Music

Paris Hilton founded heiress records and released her first self-titled album, Paris. Her first single “Stars are Blind” was a top ten hit in 17 countries leading to Paris’s Installation of a professional recording studio in her house. More tunes to come. Oy?

Heidi Montag leaked several of her “hits” on the internet including “Body Language,” which features her fiance Spencer Pratt rapping. Her latest single “Touch Me” is now available on iTunes, as is her music video. Both got terrible reviews.

Point: Heidi Montag. Have you seen that music video?

Religion

Paris Hilton converted to Kabbalah for about 5 seconds, giving her the opportunity to sport a little red string bracelet along with the rest of Hollywood.

Heidi Montag loves Jesus and the Bible. We know this because she constantly talks about Jesus and the Bible on her Twitter, to the press, and on The Hills. (Editor’s note: The real question is – can Jesus possibly love her?!)

Point: Paris Hilton. Religion should not be practiced for the purpose of new accessories.

Dating History

Paris Hilton has dated a long line of douche bags including Benji Madden, Cisco Adler, Stavros Niarchos III, Nick Carter, Rick Salomon and, most recently, Doug Reinhardt.

Heidi Montag dated and is currently engaged to “King of the Douchebags,” Spencer Pratt. The couple are set to wed this weekend, maybe for real this time.

Point: Heidi Montag. See “King of the Douchebags” reference. He takes the cake. I just wish it was in his face.

Say What??

Paris Hilton

• “Walmart… Do they, like, sell walls there?”
• “I’m like an American Princess”
• “What’s a soup kitchen?”
• “A true Heiress is never mean to anyone- except a girl who steals her boyfriend”

Heidi Montag

• “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted and I’m going to get persecuted, you know?”
• “The minute we said our vows I couldn’t stop crying.”
• “I want, like, four [children]. Maybe I’ll adopt ten. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa.

Point: Paris Hilton. People who think Walmart sells actual walls should not be allowed to be quoted.

Rise to Fame

Paris Hilton became a household name after her adult film “One Night In Paris” was released and continued to grace the screen on “The Simple Life” with Nicole Richie where the two friends tried to accomplish difficult tasks like camping, and shopping at Walmart. She then talked to every major media outlet about her feud with former frenemy and co-star Nicole Richie.

Heidi Montag befriended Lauren Conrad and landed herself a spot on MTV’s “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills.” She also talked to every media outlet about feud with (former?) frememy Lauren Conrad. If Letterman wasn’t enough, Montag also has paparrazzi on speed dial anytime she happens to be running on the beach.

Point: Paris Hilton. While both love to publicly fight with former best friends and enjoy reality TV gigs, it was Paris’s short loved porn career that really earned her this crucial point.