The Hills Dabbles in Bible Study

By Lauren

Even though I know full and well that The Hills is all a crock of reality sh*t, I still spend a good chunk of each episode pulling out the proof. For example, if the show were real, then there would be no way Lauren would get to take time off from her internship last minute to jet-set to Hawaii.  And if the show were real, that Bible in Spencer’s hand would have been real….and would have burned at his touch.

Because there is no way the devil can hold the word of God in his hands and walk away unscathed, right?

All that aside, though, I have never been as entertained by this show as I was when watching Speidi hold bible study in their den of sin with Heidi’s ex boyfriend and his current tranny girlfriend. I know, I know; those two Crested Butte kids are good people and I shouldn’t hate, but when that girl walked into dinner, I really thought she was a man. In an old man’s Hawaiian shirt.

But I did warm up to her pretty quickly; the “girl” had me at, “you look so different. You don’t even look like the same person.”

Thank you for saying what everyone else on earth has ignored for 5 seasons, Christian Tranny! Everyone else seems to ignore the 412 plastic surgery/Botox injections Heidi has had, which, I might add, only prove that she didn’t like the way God made her and took matters into her own hands. Where are those Christian values, Heids?

Not everyone spent their week talking to Jesus (though I imagine Brody and Audrina spoke to him at some point during their trip. Ayooooo); on an island across the ocean, LC, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina decided to surprise the boys in Hawaii. Because showing up where you aren’t invited is always a good idea. While there, the girls hold a secret contest to see who can wear the biggest sunglasses. My congrats go out to Stephanie Pratt for covering nearly 2/3rds of that Pratt Mug with her oversized choice.

But that wasn’t enough for Steph; she also needed to create some un-needed drama by pushing Audrina to hook up with Brody. Now, I know there was some serious sexual tension there (the dude nearly humped her in her monokini), and I know what it’s like to want to get back at an ex, but Brody has a girlfriend. A girlfriend they all know. No matter how horny you are, there has got to be boundaries, women! Respect! SOMETHING.

Not that it matters. Things heat up, people get drunk and Brody finds Audrina on his bed talking to dirty boy, JB.

They talk, she bats her eyelashes and he says, “And if we decide to one night – nobody around, late night… – feelings are feelings.”

Swoon. I’m pretty sure he’s the only dude who can come up with that line and not come across as a skeezy d-bag. In fact, I went to be last night hoping he’d show up in my bedroom and say the same thing. And then do a little strip tease….

Sorry, got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Anyways, no one knows what really happened in that bungalow of love…. oh wait; yes they do. Because Brody saunters out in the morning and announces it to the cameras. Still, he doesn’t want it getting back to Jade and trusts Audrina  is not going to tell anyone about it.

Pfft. Yeah right, Brodes. You think you know women?  Even if Audrina wanted to keep this little hump sesh hush hush, she wouldn’t have a chance. When she walks out of her bedroom she’s walking into a pit with hungry (yet slighty rexi) lions who won’t let her out until they take in every. last. juicy. detail.

That sh*t will be back in LA before they land. And Lord knows I can’t wait. In fact, last night, inspired by Spencer’s newfound love for Jesus, I whipped out my bible and prayed for it.