AmyKate@BYU says:
Sat, 9th May 20093:35 pm 

Wow, perfect timing!! This is exactly what's happening with me…

The guy I'm dating has an ex GF that he was with for years, her mom still loves him, she even asks him why they can't "work things out", etc… Needless to say, its a source of intrigue.

I think you're wise to say that "she's an ex for a reason". Obviously he's with you because he wants to be, and that's important to remember. It can still be worrisome though, which I think is not unwarranted.

But, bottom line, all you can do is enjoy the relationship you have going on, because you can't control outside forces, you can only control yourself.

Winnie says:
Sat, 9th May 20094:27 pm 

Luckily, even though my bf and his ex are best friends, she's really far away, and I know they won't get aback together.

Tori says:
Sat, 9th May 20096:12 pm 

I dunno. She liking him wouldn't be a threat to me. But even if they're not together, that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for her. I'd want to make absolutely certain that he isn't hoping deep down that she breaks up with her boyfriend or something, and that if she did, he wouldn't be dropping you ASAP for her.

Rebecca says:
Sat, 9th May 20098:20 pm 

Two things:

1) Be open with him. Find out what happened between him and his ex, but be prepared for the truth and to explain why you're asking. If prompted, be honest to him about your feelings too, but don't get accusatory. Explain your feelings simply and frankly.

2) Trust him. Sounds like you guys have a great relationship. He sounds like an honest guy, so trust his ability to stay true to his own feelings. Remember, he's dating you, not her.

Hope this helps! Good luck and much love!

- Rebecca

anna says:
Sat, 9th May 200910:08 pm 

wow. this is EXACTLY the situation i was in, but we broke up because of my stupidity and jealousy. i wish i could've been as strong minded as you so that i could stop being so paranoid about it and just jealous in general. i guess you just have to remember that your boyfriend and his ex probably had something deep once, but the nature of the relationship has changed, and you're definitely the one that's on his mind. and he may like her personality, but obviously for some reason couldn't handle some aspects of it and had to stop going out with her because of it, so you shouldn't match yourself up to her.

Mike says:
Sun, 10th May 20098:02 am 

As a guy, watch yourself. Call me a low life, but I've gotten back together with most of my exes at some point in time after the relationship. Ex sex is awesome… relive the old times and know there's really no road ahead for the two of you. Best of all, both parties are probably in a relationship and know not to open their mouths to anyone about the whole thing. Little lovin on the side and everyone is happy.

Mike Is a D*ck says:
Sun, 10th May 200910:02 am 

Wow, Mike your a D*ck, thats all i have to say

erica says:
Mon, 11th May 20091:20 am 

I don’t think Mike’s a dick, he’s telling the publisher his perspective frome experience. He could have worded it a bit better, but the “call me a lowlife but” is the disclaimer.

As for dating a guy who’s ex is still his best friend would sketch me out. I’m not the overly jealous type, but in the case of this (first love, families still love her, etc) I would feel like I’m having to needlessly compete with the ex for no good reason at all.

Plus who hasn’t ever hooked up with an ex? It just wouldn’t be a comfortable situation unless you’re 100% aware of all the circumstances. If he doesn’t let you meet her, or acts weird around you when she calls/ texts, that’s not a good sign. Just give it a chance for now

erica says:
Mon, 11th May 20091:21 am 

sorry I meant *from experience

Casey says:
Mon, 11th May 200911:36 am 

I know exactly what you mean! Although my boyfriend isn't best friends with his ex. (they rarely talk except for when she tries to contact him and he ignores her) She was his first love, they dated for 3 years, his family absolutely ADORES her (and his mom wont let me forget how much I am NOT her). Not to mention SHE broke up with HIM. AND he wasn't over here until about 2 months into OUR relationship (almost 4 years later!) She cheated on him and then got engaged to the guy (whom she had just met) a week later! Now she's beginning to realize that her fiance is a psycho! cause he drives half way across the country with no word and follows/watcher her from his car. Uh yeah psycho! Not to mention my bf's dad works for her dad and they are best friends. I have heard all of their stories, and how perfect she was (yeah didn't realize "perfect" included cheating and lying but whatev! where have I been?)

All I know is he loves me. He reads me all the texts she sends him, and tells me when she calls, and what she says. She came in town for christmas and wanted to meet up and he told her no (for the first time in hi life) she went back to school and told everyone that "Chases new girlfriend REFUSED to let him see me!" Uh ok bitch, I am not his "new" gf we'd been together for almost a year. And He told you NO before he told me you called. So don't be pissed cause he finally found someone that makes him happier than you did. That's not my fault (oh wait, yeah it is!) But it's not my fault you fucked up and lost the most perfect boyfriend. That's totally on you!

Ok i've got a lot of frustration with this one, sorry just had to get it out! WHEW!

Grady says:
Mon, 11th May 20095:31 pm 

I am the exgf in this story. And, at least in my case, I’d think that people who overly worry about this are just paranoid. In fact, I have had a problem with my bff Travis’ girlfriends before, but that’s been *because* they’ve been hostile towards me because they thought something was going to happen between us. Just like you said, we are exs for a reason, but acting otherwise is definitely annoying and THAT is what can lead to negative opinions. Now he has a beautiful fiance who is understanding and kind and gets that Trav and I are just really really really close friends. And I love her for it (among other things)…I’d just be careful in controlling your emotions and it’ll all be fine

Cassie says:
Mon, 11th May 200911:08 pm 

I am also the ex-gf in this situation, and I do not have a romantic relationship with my ex, we broke up 4 years ago and we are friends now. Not all ex's hook up. Also, most of us are okay with them dating other people as long as they are good people who are good for the ex. The only reason I have disliked my ex's gf is that she was rude to me and shitty to him. When he dates nice people, I support him 100%.

Gabby says:
Thu, 14th May 20098:13 am 

I am also the ex in the situation, only my ex-boyfriend's new gf won't let him talk to me or see me or contact him at all, on pain of breakup. We went out for three years and were first loves and very close. Our relationship ended because of seriously and irreconcilable differences; we wanted different things. Still, I think we should have remained friends, and I am disappointed that this was not possible because of her paranoia. On the other hand, she is good for him and loves him, so..because I am his friend…I prefer she stay with him despite the fact that she's unreasonably jealous. Still, jealousy is not healthy in a relationship and is a sign of distrust. We are ex's for serious reasons, and jealousy, at least in my case, caused me (and perhaps him; i don't know because i can't talk to him) a great deal of pain. So just remember that you are the gf and she is the ex and she is for a reason. Unreasonable jealousy will only cause pain to others and yourself.

Jenna says:
Thu, 14th May 200912:07 pm 

I was in a similar situation with a boy I dated for eight months. When things got rough between us, he ended up turning to his best-ex and cheated on me with her. It was terrible, horrible. But there were also some signs pointing towards that direction that maybe I should have seen. I do believe guys can have exes as best friends and be honest about it. But I personally will never put myself in that situation again.

Kevin Burns says:
Fri, 15th May 20091:24 pm 

How about this from a guys perspective…

I'm dating a girl currently that is very good friends with her ex, and he still is completely and totally in love with her. The other night she was at my apartment and she showed me texts she got from him that night that said things like "I want to be with you forever" stuff like that blah blah blah whatever.

But I realized that they have to be broken up for a reason. She told me he was very good on paper- READ: hes a nice guy, but just not the right guy for me. But we have fun being together and he texts her constantly and she texts him back … It doesn't bother me that much… because we are together and I don't need to worry about him ( Even know hes tried to fight me multiple times…. Nice guy that dude). Of course you will always have feelings for your ex but youhave to remember that it didn't work out for a reason and that now they have moved on and you should too… don't get jealous of guys being friends with their exs or girls being friends with their ex's no matter how douchebaggy you think they are

Bella says:
Fri, 22nd May 20092:42 am 

WoW..Funny you mention this, because I'm in a similar situation EXPECT im the ex girlfriend!!!

Me and my first love (we broke up 6 years ago) are still really good friends! we talk to eachother about his girl problems and my guy problems. he's been dating a girl for a month and she doesnt like it. (as do u )

However, I'm writing to make u feel better just by showing u my perspective, if hes still with u, he really likes you. Because if he wanted to be with the ex girlfriend, he wouldnt be dating u right now for two months! yes i understand the pressure around that makes her look "all so perfect for him" but again, if that was the case, then they'd be together right?

and not all ex girlfriends are there to ruin it, IF they think the girl is good enough, shes actually probably intimidated by you!

Relax, and enjoy the guy your dating. and hopefully, that girl has good intentions.

xoxo

charmaine says:
Mon, 25th May 20097:53 pm 

Last year, Ive broken up with my ex-boyfriend. He was my first serious relationship but we're still good friends.. more like talking to him almost every day.( he calls me, i dont call him that often hahaha..) Even though i have a new bf now. I'm glad that my new bf understands me. If you trust your bf, theres no need to worry about it. Since he have met you and loves you even more than his ex. HAVE A BLAST!! and GOOD LUCK!!

cat says:
Tue, 16th Jun 200911:04 pm 

sorry, i don't think boyfriends (or girlfriends) should have close relationships with their exes. let's face it, once you cross a line with someone and have an intimate relationship with them, you can't uncross it. you can't be "just friends" again with your ex…you have a history. and you can't be jealous of his ex either…she doesn't have what you want, which is your boyfriend. bottom line, it's not fun to be constantly reminded that you weren't always the special person in his life. the emotional attention he's giving her now, he should be giving to you. period. don't be insecure. you deserve it.

Lostttt says:
Tue, 30th Jun 20094:47 am 

Im in your position, My boyfriend and i just started dating.. He swept me off my feet… he was the perfect guy, everything i wanted… until i met his friend (we’ll call her amy).. The first time met her it was at a his family’s gathering.. He told me that it was a big step of me meeting his family so i was verrryyy excited. When she came walking in, im not gonna lie, the girl is gorgeous so of course i was gonna feel a little intimidation.. I said hi to her and tried to be the nicest.. I was very shy simply because i didnt know ANYONE!.. so anyways along through the night she started actually stupid, getting drunk and i knew she was talking bad about me to her friends… i felt very uncomfortable but i sucked it up.. She wanted all eyes on her.. In reality she made herself look like a complete dumbass!!

sooo time passes and he tells me that she is his ex gf from 6th grade.. blah blah.. then as more time passes i find out that she was his first love.. then his bestfriend.. then that they went out bar hopping together.. then that they alwaayyyyyss talked..

Of course i confronted him about it. He wanted and STILL wants for me and her to be friends because it would mean alot to him. And trust me, i’ve tried.. But she claims that shes territorial and doesn’t like me because of my age and how im younger than him.. I told him, if she doesnt know me and only has the age thing against me, she has no right to be acting the way she is.

He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me.. but what i recently found out hurt me and i cant get over it..

I found out that theres always been an “airway of maybe” between him.. Pretty much meaning that if she settles down on being such a slut drunk and wanted to change he would be with her..

It hurt me soo bad… and made me more insecure..

he told me that he doesnt like the person that shes become.. He loves me and says im perfect for him. But i just get over the fact that he still has feelings for her…

I told him that there are boundaries between guy/girl bestfriends especially if they have a past.. he thinks its just a simple oh “shes just my bestfriend and nothing else” but really its not because there is sooo much behind it..

He backs her up soo much and gets defensive when i talk about her.. But i just cant help it.. Im not gonna be a little puppy in tryna follow her to get her attention and for her to like me.. I’ve already tried.. & now i could give a shit about getting to know her. She’s immature and very stupid when im around.

Am i overreacting or does he have to change of how close he is.?

sunnydelight says:
Tue, 30th Jun 20092:02 pm 

oh, I can't believe this. I'm in exactly the same shoes. I have been dating this guy for about 2 months. Everything is great, except that his ex of 2-3 years is still very much in his life. She lives downstairs, she has keys to his apartment and his car. She has no car, so he lets her drive his car whenever she needs to go to the store, etc. She is very much in his social and family life. He has reassured me that there is nothing romantic between them. He still cares for her as a "friend". They talk/text each other everyday. Whenever I'm not with him, she is with him. She does have a boyfriend who is 20 years older than her and lives 3 hours flight away from her. Obviously, there is more to tell here. To make a long story short. He has reassured me that there is nothing romantic between them, but everything they have done for each other tells me they still care very much for each other. He even drives her to the airport to meet her current boyfriend. Isn't that crazy?

I have tried to be an understanding girlfriend. I have tried to hang out with his ex and tried to be her friend. People say "keep your friends close and keep your enemy closer"? I think I need to be in their social circle in order to find out the truth. However, she also acts crazy in front of me. She drinks a lot, flirts with a lot of men, always wears sexy outfits, and looks like she was constantly trying to make my boyfriend jealous. Also, she hardly initiates conversations with me. A lot of times, when we (three of us) were together, she acted I don't exist. For example, she would take his beer and drink it without even asking him. I find myself getting worked up a lot due to this type of stupid situations and it is not helping my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes, I just want to give up and move on to something/someone easier…

advice?

sunny

someunknownentity says:
Thu, 9th Jul 20091:59 pm 

It is such a relief to see others sharing my same fears. I was in a ten year relationship with my first love which was built on paranoia, jealousy and heartache. I was so nieve. He had many ex-girlfriends who he would brag up to me, and he knew what he was doing to use these tactics to manipulate me. He had pictures of his exes, and would sneak off to visit them, saying that if I "wasn't such a bitch," then maybe those girls would want to be my friend too. It was awful, and after marrying him and ultimately divorcing him, I am finally free of that sick feeling, and finding out that he indeed had been cheating on me repeatedly. Well, you live and learn, but I fear I will always be burned by it.

My current boyfriend is amazing on every level, we are the closest thing I could imagine as soul mates. Everything is perfect except, of course, the ex-girlfriend thing. It makes me feel almost sick to my stomach to know that he still friends one on myspace after knowing how badly it hurts my feelings, and I find myself watching his page to see if she's online the same time as he is. I hate myself for being this insecure, and it eats me up thinking that he may be flirting with her. I know for a fact they were good friends before we got together but that he was the one who had dumped her. She even went off and got married to someone; however, she confided in my boyfriend that she is not happy and will probably be divorced within a year. I live with the gnawing fear that they will divorce and he will take her back. It's so stupid because he was very open to me about their online friendship, and he does not make any effort to see her, and he has even insulted her multiple times and threatened to tell her husband the awful things she says about him. I know his whereabouts at all times and he always calls and texts me at night, telling me he loves me. He always goes out of his way for me and I can see that he loves me. I should have nothing to fear, but at the same time I feel so disrespected by it. I can't deal with this haunting me though. How do I make it stop? I try to logically work through it that he dumped her for a reason, but it's not enough. I'm so sad and lonely thinking about it every day and night, and honestly, I wish that girl would die.

egypt says:
Thu, 27th Aug 20097:37 pm 

Here it is: my bf and I have a kid together and live together now. However his beauty queen law student ex is very much in his life. Still calls/texts and asks about each other's families. He used to hang out at her dorm after their breakup(during our relationship) and I can't shake the jealousy. She is gorgeous, smart, stylish, talented, creative. I have yet to hear y they actually broke up. Just one day they decided they didn't see it lasting "forever" I'm speechless and exhausted. I try not to let it bother me, but then I go looking at her pics/life and it gets me down again..advice??? Deep down, I kinda idolize her :/

Anonymous says:
Thu, 26th Nov 20096:00 pm 

В очередной раз большое спасибо, хорошие что есть такие люди как вы, которые дают реально дельные советы:)

sunprincess says:
Wed, 9th Dec 20096:25 am 

i guess alot of us are in d same situation cause i'm there 2. i understand how u feel. in my case i have nothing to worry about really….he has done nothing 2 make me think he still has feelings for his ex or anything is gin on…but i'm terribly insecure because i kno how gd they r…he's always talkin about her…evry other thing is *Jane (name changed ), how she's his real girl and his 'best fren' *sigh* me and d girl talk and she's cool its jus that because they r soooo close i feel like i still have 2 compete wit her altho i have him…i dont kno if its my imagination but even when he talks he makes it sound like i'm on the same level wit her u kno.i'm probably being irrational (altho she says stuff 2 him that me and my frens agree is way past d frenship boundary but i believe him when he says he loves me and not her and thats all that matters).and i think I have 2 wrk on gettin over my jealousy.but thats life best luck ya'll

snowboarder says:
Sun, 13th Dec 20094:09 pm 

i'm kind of in the same situation! My boyfriend was mad at his ex for awhile, but finally they are on good terms now. I only know that he talks to her on aim, maybe once a month, the last convo a month ago said he missed her little cousin, and he missed talking to her as a friend… this made me sad for awhile, but i finally got over the pointless jealousy. I mean he NEVER talks about her to me, and always treats me like a princess. Shes not even in his phone. Most of the convos between them are very bland where he pretty much just ignores her. He clearly cares about me more than anything and wants to make me happy. I don't even let it get to me at all that he'll talk to her sometimes, because they broke up for a reason and he loves me now Thats what you gotta remember. He's with YOU and NOT her for a reason. He chose you! Focus on you two, and dont even think about his ex, because he isn't either, he's thinking about you

BepныЙИзмeнн says:
Fri, 25th Dec 20096:09 pm 

Данный пост по-настоящему помог мне принять очень важное для себя решение. За это автору отдельное спасибо! С большим нетерпением жду от Вас новых постов!

italcutiexox says:
Wed, 13th Jan 20105:20 am 

There will always be ex's to deal with and if you are so lucky to not have an ex to deal with in this day and age , count your blessings. The key is how you Both deal with it. It's when you don't know where to draw the line and when the ex persues especially in rough times everyone likes to go for the easy fix, but the easy fix isn't reality. Everyone will eventually come to their senses but sometimes it happens to late and the one you love is now gone. What is damaging is when you have someone who persues and persues with the intent to come between you , even when they know you are in a relationship. Timing sometimes is everything, and knowing how to react or keep your emotions in check and tell the person you love them everyday even if its with a small gesture. A rose, a kiss before work, and never go to bed angry . Keeping your relationship loving and strong , eliminates temptations of running to the easy fix. Running doesn't solve anything and the grass isn't always greener. Fix what you can and admit the problems if you can't get past them …Then Move on.

Lilianna says:
Thu, 18th Feb 20109:54 pm 

Everyone will probably hate me since I AM my ex's best friend, but let me tell you WHY you should NEVER tell your him "it's either her or me."

Would you ever choose your boyfriend over your good friends? Would you ever leave your friends high and dry because you have a new boyfriend after 2 months? Would you miss your bestfriend's milestone birthday party because your "new" partner doesn't want you to go? Then WHY would you expect him to do so?! Talk about being selfish!

I will NEVER give up my bestie for ANYONE…PERIOD! If they have a problem with it then get the walking ESPECIALLY if there is nothing going on. I don't have time trying to soothe someone's insecurities after telling them my bestie isn't going anywhere and we are just FRIENDS! If they don't believe me, they never will and they can hit the door.

Also, anyone who asks him to "get rid of" his best friend of 10 years is asking for a rude awakening. And same goes for anyone I date. We've been through EVERYTHING together and it's unfortunate that the new person will have to be a part of that feeling insecure, but that's life. People have pasts and they don't magically vanish because a new person comes along.

If you love that person, then love their friends. It's better than looking insecure because you don't have what the best friend has. Set yourself apart and try to "fill in the gaps." Otherwise you'll be left on the curb brewing with jealousy.

I welcomed my best friend's son, I am his ear when he needs to talk and I am his BIGGEST fan. Do I love him…HELL YEAH! That's my ace! Does he love me…OF COURSE. But there is a difference between having "love" for someone and "loving" someone. Know the difference so you don't end up looking like some jealous little girl (or guy) who "couldn't take the heat."

An honest opinion…love it or hate it.

L

andy brooks says:
Thu, 25th Feb 201012:21 pm 

I understand what you're saying.My situation is simaliar except my bf of two months is in love with me yet still in love with his ex.She is his best friend that he sees every day and goes to for whatever.He makes sure that they always have people around but he's cheated on me with her once. So I don't know what to do…but I've cheated on him with my ex.We were honest and we 're still together but I don't know how to help him get over her.Any suggestions?

Jo says:
Fri, 26th Feb 20101:17 am 

hello! i'm on the other side of the issue! i'm th ex, and i'm still friends with my ex…but i'm not sure i'm over him. how do i know what to do and what not to do? i don't want to cut him out of my life because he's honestly a really good friend of mine. what are the boundaries?

Lilianna says:
Fri, 26th Feb 20101:05 pm 

I'll chime in again….

Andy-you two need to break up. You both cheated/ cheating on each other. That's unhealthy. That's not how a relationship works. Seek couples' therapy or find someone new…better yet find a new part of YOU to love!

Jo-If he's a good friend of yours, why do you want to change anything? If you're not sure you are over him, cut back on communication a bit and go out and meet new people. If you are meeting new people and you still feel that "love" for your ex, tell him (even if he has a girlfriend, but not BECAUSE he has a girlfriend-make sure you know the difference). Talk about it, but don't act upon it. As a friend, he'll accept your feelings and as his friend you should respect his partner (if there is one). If there is no one else to worry about, take it slow and give it another shot ONLY IF YOU BOTH DISCUSS THE CAUSE OF YOUR BREAK UP AND KNOW HOW TO KEEP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN!

Hope it works out for you guys!

L

Jay says:
Tue, 2nd Mar 20101:00 pm 

My BF was best friends with his ex. They were on and off for 6 years, and he considers her his first love. I didn't care much for their relationship, until I found her toothbrushes and hairbrushes in his bathroom. Then I find that they had been sleeping together for 2-3 years without being in an "official" relationship. Long story short the relationship was hell but things straightened up on their own. He lost a friend, but gained a GF.

f they casually dated, cool. But if they were "the couple that could've been" you need to break it up to him. It's not fair for people to flaunt their past lovers and it sure does make you feel like crap. It's so disrespectful because it doesn't even give the new GF a chance. I left my BF to his own devices and luckily the ex never took him back. He then was reminded why they didn't work out. Convenient!

I had a best guy friend once. We never dated or kissed, it was platonic for me. But once I became closer to another man (BF) he freaked and "broke up" our friendship.

I think it's just really hard to be friends and exes, and be best friends with anyone of the opposite sex. It's rare but I don't think BFs should stay best friends with "the one that could've/should've been" because that makes people feel like a plan B, no matter how confident you are. I also think a guy needs to reassure his lady. Why should we trust that he's not thinking of going the comfortable way out and plan a night with the ex when things go sour between you and your beau?

I'm sorry to say but I've seen too many cases where a guy cheats on an unsuspecting girl. It's sad too of the women who did cheat were married, though, to their best friends!

name changed says:
Mon, 8th Mar 20104:57 am 

okay, so me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year, and when I met him for the first time him and his current ex of 5 years were still together, a couple weeks later they broke up and he started hanging out with me, we were friends w/ benefits for about 2 months, with me feeling constantly hurt because he would get really sad over the fact that she broke up with him. A month later i decided to give a chance when he finally asked me out. we had a few stumbles throughout the relationship with him texting her. Well a week ago he met up with(work related) and I looked at his texts(yeah i know, bad person) and they were about how much she missed him and loved him, he never said anything like that back to her but he did say that he wouldnt ever get that close to someone again because he didnt wanna ever be hurt like that again…..

it really bugs me. and he lies sometimes when hes texting her because he knows ill be upset with him, hes a wonderful guy and I love him to death but this really bugs me.

Lilianna says:
Mon, 8th Mar 20108:51 pm 

@Name Changed: Here's my two cents…

You were a rebound (I'm sorry if that hurts to hear, but the truth does hurt). Your current boyfriend was with his ex for 5 years, you met him WHILE he was STILL with his ex and became a "friend w/ benefits" WEEKS after his break-up and you are bugged by the fact that he still texts her? Does this REALLY surprise you? You got into a relationship with him WAY too early! How do you expect to have 100% of someone's heart if you don't give their heart time to heal? Yes, he may be a great guy, but honestly, you did not give him ANY time to get over a 5 YEAR relationship before you jumped in to take the reigns of a runaway carriage with a wild horse attached.

I'm just speculating, but from your story, I think YOU were the reason his ex broke up with him. That's why you don't trust him by checking his texts. I think deep down, you KNOW you were the cause and that makes you not trust him otherwise, you would trust that his feelings are only for you. You set yourself in this bed so now you have to lay in it.

Side note:

A lot of these issues I'm noticing on this page are mostly women who jump in these relationships being "cocky" that they can "fill the void" the ex left after a short period of time. That's not how "getting over someone" works. Yes, they are an ex for a reason, but the "void" you are filling is only temporary because the wound of a broken heart isn't healed completely…or at least scabbed over. Unfortunately, jumping into a relationship so quickly with these guys is only making the situation worse when reality is…you need to give the guy time to HIMSELF because that is what he needs.

L

Lilianna says:
Mon, 8th Mar 20109:16 pm 

@Jay: Here's my two cents…

Good for you for sticking it out, but I would have kicked a guy to the curb after finding another woman's hairbrush, toothbrush AND for cheating on me for 2-3 years behind my back. You deserve an award!

You say you left him "to his own devises" and "luckily the ex didn't take him back…" to me…it sounds like THAT'S what you were praying for. Almost like…"Please don't take him back! "Please don't take him back!" So you could do just that…take his lying, cheating and confused self BACK! And low and behold, you were the one who ended up as a "convenience" i.e. "plan B" since you KNEW you would take him back. Otherwise, you would have moved on to greener pastures and found a guy who wouldn't cheat on you behind your back for 2-3 years.

I hear you when you say "you think it's hard to be friends w/ exes" because it IS hard to be friends with exes whose current gf/ bf have LOW SELF-ESTEEM! Who wants to hear someone crying, whining and bit*hing all day about a friend of the opposite sex? And that is what drives a person's mate into the arms of the ex; You don't trust the "friendship" and that turns into you not trusting your mate and if you don't trust him/ her what's the use in them trying to convince you otherwise?

Lastly, if someone is going to cheat, they will. There are no insurance policies for relationships that go "sour."

Do not think I'm being mean or anything…it's just that I know what I'm talking about. Not only is my best friend my ex, but the majority of my exes ARE my friends. These are people who would love to have me IN their weddings if they could if it didn't ruffle the feathers of their "mate." Everyone knows about me and the funny thing is, I don't even live near my exes and their currents STILL has a problem with our communication. You would think we are talking late at night about sex or something *smh*

Bella says:
Wed, 10th Mar 20101:49 pm 

I'm actually the Ex-GF in this case. I broke up with him, almost a year ago. We got back together once and it wasn't working out so I broke up with him again. This didn't work out so I told him that and ever since we've been Best Friends. I'm not kidding:- BFF. He's had plenty of Gfs since, and I've had a few Bfs. We tell eachother everything, and yeah, sometimes when we are just me and him it may look as though we are together, but we're not. The Ex-Gf who broke up with your man broke up with him for a reason, and their friendship is extremely important to her. You must remember, you are both female: we think a like. Why would she try to sabotage your relationship when that would make her the "Other Woman". That's low. He trust's her, you trust him, you should trust her. She's moved on, He's moved one (to you!). OK babe? Low mantainance, always. xxx

Lilianna says:
Thu, 11th Mar 20107:32 pm 

Bella hit the nail on the head! I'm so glad I'm not alone when it comes to this type of situation!!!

KUDOS Bella!

L

Brieuna says:
Fri, 16th Apr 20107:47 pm 

I am in this same situation, but have now been with my guy for 2 years. It bothers me so much. I think it bothers me so much cuz she broke up with him, not the other way around. He talks to her everyday and talks about her frequently. I just feel like if she wanted him she could have him. I feel as though he would give her another chance if she asked for it. Oh and this happens ever so often. They will talk for a couple of months like this and then stop then talk for a couple of months then stop and so on and so forth.

jasminerose says:
Mon, 23rd Aug 20105:08 pm 

I am a believer of 'ex's remaining friends because I have friends who are in such situations and I find it very mature for them to be such.

Recently though, my ex boyfriend rudely dumped me (via email only and avoiding all face-to-face communication) only for me to later find out he courted and got back to his ex-girlfriend, who happened to be his best friend during college days. He courted her while we were still together.

According to his email, he wants us to live on our lives because I failed to be with him when his grandmother died (I was on my way to a trip, which by the way I really needed because my world was falling down and I knew I couldn't harass him to be with me), we had too much differences, he has to take care and support his family, etc.

For being together for 2 and a half years and giving me these reasons is bullshit. And my friends told me they think there is a 3rd party involved. Wow, they were right.

So yea, it was hell of an emotional ride. I know of his "best friend" way back but I was never the jealous type and I didn't care if he still has communication with any of his ex's (especially a best friend because I know how much it would hurt to loose a best friend) and I honestly find the friendship attitude very mature. What was important to me was he was with him. I can TRUST THAT MUCH.

As of the moment they are in long-distance relationship. Given the fact they are best-friends, I know they will endure. And sorry for the bitterness but 'pfffffft'.

Oh well, I guess I trusted too much.

So what's my take on this?

Nothing wrong in remaining friends with your ex's. Because as I said, I have friends who were in this situation and they all went well. But I think it would be well to communicate any fear that may arise from it to your partner so certain 'lines' could be drawn to preserve the relationship.

jasminerose says:
Mon, 23rd Aug 20105:10 pm 

ooops sorry there was a typo above.

I meant

"What was important to me was he 'I' with him. I can TRUST THAT MUCH."

jasminerose says:
Mon, 23rd Aug 20105:12 pm 

I meant

“What was important to me was he ‘I’ was with him. I can TRUST THAT MUCH.”

GUEST says:
Sun, 27th Feb 20115:26 pm 

Wow. Do you expect people to believe this shit? You just pop-up because no guy wants you . ( I can see why.) Thats prob. why you didn't have a "BFF" in the first place. Show some respect. p.s. this makes you look pathetic in the eyes of every new woman. Not jealous… NOT STUPID !!!!!!!!!!!

anon says:
Sat, 7th May 201111:58 am 

I am an ex. My ex is my best friend. He was my boyfriend for three years.
In my eyes he is the man i was supposed to marry and I am only an ex because of the location distance between me and my ex.
He is with a new girl now, and is completely ignoring me. It hurts to know that his new girl is probably the reason for the fact that we don't talk much anymore.
I know he still loves me, he has told me so, and i think thats another reason why he is pushing me away.

So, its likely your man will choose you over his best friend. I'm living evidence.
Just remember how much you are hurting his best friend in the process.

Louis says:
Wed, 30th Nov 20119:47 am 

I def relate to this right now. My issue right now is me and my bf are together about 2 moths dating 5 and for the most part things are perfect but he’s still friends with his ex. He barley sees him but they text constantly and i secretly read their texts and his ex tells him things like “when are u gonna make time for us?” “when am I gonna see u” “u never wanna see me” and he kinda brushes it off but he still texts him all the time. Now when we first met I knew he was close with his ex from the start. And me and my bf share the same bday and after celebrating our bdays together the next day he went to his ex’s house where his ex and his ex’s family through him a bday dinner and his ex got him a special costum made cake that resembled the iPhone. I found this out via Facebook. Now it bothered me but I let this to because it was the beginning of the relationship. So I invite my bf over for thanksgiving to meet my family mind u I had just come out to my mom the week before. So literally two days before thanksgiving I ask him why he never does holidays with his own family and he said he use to do them with his Ex. So I say “r u going to see ur ex this christmas?” he goes “yeah but I’ll see you after if you let me” now that just made me so upset and sad because what if I wanted to spend Christmas with him. He said he has to go there because Christmas day is his ex’s bday and he wouldnt go other wise he said every year they do that. I couldn’t do Xmas with him any way but just knowing where he’s going made me upset. It’s like why does he have run there for his bday? So thanksgiving comes and I talk to him about it and he told me he woulda went there for thanksgiving too if I didn’t invite him. And I let him know if this guy will be in his life for the rest of his life and If they’re always gonna b close i should meet him and he said okay but I think he’s iffy about it and i don’t think it will ever happen. And I dont wanna keep bringing it up but if i don’t it won’t ever happen. And I told him it bothers me and he assured me I’m not a rebound he told me stop worrying about it I have nothing to worry about. I told him his ex still is in love with him but he denied that part not realizing I read the texts from his ex begging to see him. And he told me stop over thinking things mean while while he’s saying all this his ex and him are texting back and forth idk about what. And he told me “I never see him I haven seen him in months you’re the one I see if I wanted to be with him I would be” but yet maybe it’s my own insecurities but something still feels wrong. I need someone to tell me how I should feel so I can get over this because my relationship is fine besides this it just kills me and what should I do if I never meet the guy or if he doesn’t want to introduce us? I mean he never sees him is it even nessacery if I meet him since they barley see each other any way? But I think far ahead and next year if he’s gonna do his bday there again shouldn’t I be invited I mean he met my family and he’s comin over on Christmas eve. Ugh someone please help me!

TDR says:
Wed, 4th Jan 20123:52 am 

Hi Louis,
I think you have all the reason to get jealous. But know what? I guess you have to pretend that you don't care. But you have to prepare yourself for a really psychological battle. Why don't you make him a little jealous. We's always this certain person whom a BF gets jealous of (like Jacob Black to an Edward Cullen). It's about time to dig yours and spend some time getting close again. I'm not telling you to flirt though. And then discuss things with your BF. Sort things out and have a deal with him. You could even befriend the ex. But don't be such a nagger. Do it with grace and poise.

ROSIE says:
Fri, 6th Jan 20127:01 am 

I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper is a great book if you are having problems with your partners ex. It really helps to understand and resolve any issues you may have. You can buy the book or download it on Amazon. I have read it and it’s helped me sort out loads of relationship troubles. x

Tahlia says:
Fri, 27th Jan 20126:16 am 

I think it is all very well to be told that you should trust your partner, and that they are with you for a reason – but shouldn’t trust be earned??

I met a man who I ended up moving in with, he was best friends with his ex (first girlfriend/first love etc) and unfortunately, only due to snooping, did I find out how close they really were. Quite flirtations and intimate texts, that I did think crossed the line for friends. Now I know you will say I shouldnt have read personal messages – but I guess down to my own insecurities and worries, I struggled to trust him. He told me he hardly heard from her – but I could see they spoke nearly every day. He would message her when I was sitting right next to him. He told me he loved me and unfortunately that wasnt enough because every time I checked his phone, I had the wind knocked out of me. THese worries took over, and the fun loving girl he fell in love with turned into a needy insecure misery who he broke up with. In the end, my worries were justified because his ex admitted she was still in love with him after we broke up, and they tried to see if they could make things work again.

My only advice is that issues like this are a two way thing. Yes, you need to try and trust and respect that your partner may still care very much for their ex and want to remain good friends, but that partner should also be honest and open about the contact he/she has with their ex. Keeping it a secret (whether they do this because they know how you feel about it or not) just makes life hard. And even the most confident person can be worn down by it.

Treat someone how you would want to be treated.

Good luck everyone.

sheila says:
Fri, 10th Feb 201211:04 am 

someone pls help me!!! i have been going out wit my boyfriend for over a year. he is moving to australia very soon to work and i have decided to stay for a while to finish off my own things. he has a daughter froma previous relationship (she is 9) and him and his ex wer talking about how they would make the move less hard on thier duaghter, so they decided that she would visit him in the summer. the ex insisted in bringing the daughter down to him….im really not happy with that because i know she wants him back, and the thought of them there together for two weeks …just kills me… am i paranoid or what?!?!

Liluschi says:
Sun, 25th Mar 20128:45 pm 

I’m really glad I’m not alone in this issue. This thread was a god-send. The guy I’m seeing right now is best friends with his ex too. She of course was his first love and they dated for six years. EVERYONE thought they would make it. She’s also my sister’s best friend too. I’ve never been in a relationship before at all. We’ve only been seeing each other a month, and things have been further complicated because he may be moving soon and doesn’t want to try long-distance. He was my first kiss and I worry that because of it ‘us’ is more important to me than it could possibly be for him. I mean obviously they had sex, I know that for a fact. They still talk all the time. He even talks to her more than me, even though she lives in another state. I tend to be more paranoid and self-conscious than most (I’m currently in therapy for social anxiety, something that he and I have discussed and he supports me in) so I have such a hard time not worrying about it. So how do I relax? I even like his ex myself, she’s awesome. How can I compare? I’m nothing special. Plus her boobs are like a million times bigger than mine while her waist is much smaller. And let’s not forget the age difference. 5 years. Am I just not mature enough to be with someone this much more experienced in life? But that’s what I love about him…

dreamer says:
Sat, 7th Jul 201211:26 pm 

hey there Im unfortunately the ex on the receiving end of an issue that is quite the same BUT I am starting to become best friends with his gf too lol. It feels strange when I forget that he is my bestie and give her advice about him b/c I sometimes cross the friendship line and tell her to do mean things that I shouldnt b/c he is my best mate above everyone else….I find that I do the same with my bro and his gf coz we are both close friends and then feel bad coz its my bro and I should be telling her to put up with it or handle things in a more adult way or some shit idk. eh. Im writing this to ease ur mind though b/c I can say for one I have a very close relationship with my ex BUT my whole search on the net is to find someone in my case where they are becoming best friends with the gf too lol. I am worried about her breaking his heart and then me hating her for it b/c Im really starting to love this girl….im also worried about them breaking up and then me not being allowed to talk to her (he would kick a shit if she hurt him). We are all in our 20s btw and all mature and I dated him when we were lik 15 —first puppy love kinda shit I guess. but anyway I dnt know how to ease ur mind with all of this but maybe try become friends with her so u can feel as good as my mates gf feels about me. we do coffee dates and hang out regularly <3 I am bit a obsessive with mates and shes up for that lol which is amazing. I am happy for him and ioin regards to a good best friend ex kinda thing in order for this to be true ur bfs ex should be happy…..if anything I tell my bestie not to fuck things up b.c this gurl is 'the one' and probs the best thing he can get and the only otha person who would put up with his shit lol.l whats the relationship like between the ex and the boyfriend? I fight with my ex lol like argue a lot even as friends and id back his new missus anyday ova him lol coz he can be a reall asshole :p idk I love the guy but he has a lot of anger issues as he is spiteful as shit. another thing too is if u ever complain to the gf about the bf see what she says and see if she tries to give u poor advice that could ruin things……the best advice i gave despite the spitey shit i would even tell my own gfs was never to dump this guy….i told his missus (my possible new bestie to be) that once u break up he is spiteful and theres no going back lol i told her to scream and get mad but never EVER say its ova coz thats when he is likely to do something actually hurtful lol. idk how to put it but yeah im on a search for a page about my issues and just thought id try ease urs. bottome line- my ex is my best friend and i openly admit i love him like all my otha mates BUT im not in love with him and cant even remember how intimacy felt with him coz ive had so many bfs since lol so yeah. i love the fact he has a missus and i am just worried about gettting close and her having to leave the friendship coz shit might go bad :s its sellfish and all but i have abandonment issues and hate getting close only to lose someone in the end….either way hope this has helped a bit. in regards to my comment on fighting with him- im neva afraid to hurt his feelings and if i were interested id be flirty so maybe see how ur bfs ex interacts in terms of overly nice vs blunt rude and real tc and if she seems good give her a chance if not u know what to do and follow ur gut <3 xx peace

edot says:
Mon, 16th Jul 201211:15 pm 

If you're his best friend he shouldn't love you. Move on. You lost.

Lalala16 says:
Tue, 17th Jul 201212:07 pm 

Hurting his best friend in the process? She doesn't care about you or your feelings. It's her man now. She loves him. You're the last thing on her mind. She's busy trying to make it work with him, and you need to find your own man. She's obviously his best friend now, and that's how it should be if he's going to be with her or even marry her. If you were in her shoes, you would feel the exact same way.

lalala16 says:
Tue, 17th Jul 20121:26 pm 

Actually…Selfish opinion if you ask me. If the role was reversed, trust me, You'd be just as insecure if you were in love with the guy, so stop trying to act like you're holier than thou…cause you're not and you're human. You need to be more sympathetic and understanding as to why someone needs to be friends with an ex, when the only person they should need as a female is a family member or the woman he loves. Not you.

Jen says:
Wed, 25th Jul 201210:11 pm 

From what you said you are EXACTLY the reason a new girlfriend should be worried if you guys were still talking all the time. You would home wreck the second you had an opportunity.

kaykay says:
Mon, 30th Jul 20122:01 pm 

I've just started dating a guy for 4 1/2 months now. He's been living with an ex for a yr and 6 months, but they were together for 5yrs. We started out as friends with benefits… We had no idea that we would end up seeing so much of eachother and falling in love.

kaykay says:
Mon, 30th Jul 20122:02 pm 

Now that there are so many emotions involved, the expectations have grown as well. I know that I just came into the picture and she's been there since forever and is all he knows, but I can't help how I feel. I hate having feelings for a man who will never be completely mine because she will always be there. He already confided in me that "she's someone whos always been there no matter what" and " he wouldn't want to let that go" so where does that leave me???

kaykay says:
Mon, 30th Jul 20122:02 pm 

He expressed to me that she can't have kids and that is the reason he's not really to her anymore or wants to make it work…what bothers me is that, that is the only thing that seperatattracted es him from being with her. She's everything he wants in a woman,but she just can't hold a baby. I'm worried that he's keeping her around for a reason…what if I give him kids and he ends up going back to her. He wants kids more than a relationship with a woman and that makes me feel like she's what he really wants. I don't know what I should do, but leaning towards leaving him alone. It's my fault,not his…he's was honest from the beginning and I was the one who stepped into the fire. What should I do??? this so emotionally draining.

XXxxRawRxxXX says:
Sun, 18th Nov 20123:49 am 

Hello,
Me and my amazing boyfriend have been dating for 9 months . 2 weeks into see each other/ dating, he told me about his roommate/best friend, who of coarse is a girl (they have been friends for YEARS). I was perfectly fine with it, which surprised him (his past gf's had major issues). It wasn't until I moved in with them (1 month of dating) that I found out they had dated 4 months before we started dating. I was a little concerned, but decided to push my own issues aside. If I was planning on being with him, I knew I would have to except him and his past. She and I got along great, whenever they fought I was in the middle but was always willing to help them both out. Now, my I point out that she wasn't all there, she suffered from depression and other stuff. She had a fear of losing him, since they have been friends for so long and hes the only guy in her life who actually stayed. She started to loose grip on reality and thought I was trying to steal him. She and I had out first fight when this happened. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "I promise you, I will never make him choose between me or you. If it came down to that, I will walk. I love him too much to make him loose part of his life." Too this day and forever, I will keep to that promise. She is now my best friend as well. Sometimes she pushes things a little too far by mentioning things they did together when they were dating. But she always apologizes, and I know that she doesn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, because of my own insecurities, I do feel like she is trying to sabotage our relationship, or trying to steal him back, or that he still loves her, more then he'll ever love me. And sometimes I convince myself that they are meant to be (You know the saying 'You marry your best friend') But I just look at the situation, hes with me not her. I see how much she drives him insane at times.

Either way, I just except their relationship, and put hope and faith into ours. <3

miss Jessica Busch says:
Sun, 30th Dec 20122:17 am 

I am miss Jessica Busch from South Africa, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Dario Busch, i love him so much we have been married for 6 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Anal, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend Mrs Luis and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr.Ancient a spell caster,who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Mrs Luis ask me to contact Dr.Ancient I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by Three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After Three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Ancient on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact ancientbeninshrine@gmail.com He is the best spell caster

Lisa says:
Mon, 6th May 20131:37 pm 

My boyfriend of nine months is best friends with his ex (they were together for eight years, and were friends for another nine years before that). He told me she's been there for him through dark periods of his life and he still loves her (but is not "in" love with her — he told her that if he and I were to break up, she'd be the last woman on Earth he'd ever date again because their relationship was so "maladaptive" and dysfunctional). However, she's still in love with him, and he knows it. She drops everything for him and does his grocery shopping. I have to listen to him talk about how great her home-cooked food is. They go camping together without me, and he even suggested that she come to Burning Man with us.

I'd like to be a strong confident woman who isn't bothered by this. I mean, they broke up for a reason. I feel weak, though. He used to always encourage me to tell him how I feel, and the last time I told him that their closeness bothers me, he said "Fine. Then I just won't to tell you when we spend time together anymore, because you can't handle hearing her name without freaking out and crying every time."

Ugh. I hurts! I want to tell him it isn't my cross to bear that he pursued and fell in love with an unavailable woman and non-surprisingly, it didn't work out.