I’m Torn: Friends or More?

May 11, 2009     Posted in Reality, Relationships

happy_couple_kissing


By Alana

[Life isn’t black and white. As much as we wish we simply loved or hated things, there is often that whole annoying gray area in the middle. Like how we love the idea of a monokini, but we just don’t know if we can pull it off. Or how we love making money babysitting, but hate giving up a Saturday night. Damn you, gray area; you make decision-making that much more complicated!]

Guys, I have a problem. Like a really big problem. A few weeks ago, the most wonderful boy ever made his move and kissed me at a party. It was something I’d been waiting a year for. He’s sweet, kind, adorable and fun. Oh yeah, he also wants to be in a relationship. With me. Sounds perfect, right? Only problem- he’s my best friend.

Obviously, I like the kid – a lot – but I’m scared to potentially ruin things with the person I turn to for everything. I am utterly and completely torn.

Love It: I’ve known this guy for a little over a year. We started out as “just friends,” but it’s been escalating into something more for a while now. We get dinner together once a week and he ALWAYS picks me up at my dorm beforehand.  He’s the quintessential nice guy that every girl should date. He gets along with my girl friends, is easy to talk to and will occasionally watch chick flicks with me. We also have amazing chemistry. If that’s not perfect, I don’t know what is…

Loathe It: What if it doesn’t work out? I’ll lose the friendship of the most amazing boy I know. Plus, being with a nice guy makes me really uncomfortable. I look at him and think about my uncertainty about our future and think wow, I’m going to hurt this boy. A lot. He’s so sensitive and has been hurt a lot in the past; I can’t bring myself to hurt him again. Plus, I was really looking forward to being single this summer. I want to be able to go out with my girl friends and have fun. I’d love to casually date someone right now and not jump into anything serious, but that’s not really an option in this situation. We already know so much about each other, we don’t really need to date. Moving forward with this boy would be an insta-relationship. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think I’m ready to make a commitment with someone I care about so much. But then again, if I don’t jump in, are things going to be ruined anyway?

So ladies, what should I do? Do I take a huge leap into a new relationship with an old friend, or keep our friendship the way it is? Help. I’m torn. Really, really torn.

17 Comments on "I’m Torn: Friends or More?"

  1. Christy says:
    Mon, 11th May 20098:12 am 

    At this point if you pull back you'll end up hurting him anyway. He sounds like a pretty understanding guy so talk to him about taking things slowly. I was in the same situation two years ago. Actually, he turned out to be amazing in bed so that helped a lot.

  2. Jes says:
    Mon, 11th May 20098:21 am 

    i personally dont believe in guys and girls ever being "just friends" and he obviously likes you… if you reject him, he'll probably go away and you wont be friends, or it will just be really awkward and dramatic for a long time. and if you like him i don't see why it's such a big deal that you wont be single for the summer.

    As for your cons: well what if it does work out?! and just because you've known him forever doesn't mean you really know the romantic boyfriend side of him. I've always found when I start liking one of my guy friends I stop letting it "all hang loose" and start trying to impress them more, so if you two are really serious, i wouldn't look at it as an "insta-relationship". things would still be new in that spectrum and i would recommend going on dates. because who doesn't love dates?!

    I guess the grand answer to your question is. If you like him go for it. If you don't see yourself wanting to be in a relationship again spare yourself and dont string him along (you hate when guys do that to you right?) Its possible that you could become friends like you were again if he just kissed you, it'll just take some time to get over the awkwardness. but if you sleep with him, well then you're fucked.

  3. Alana- Boston Univer says:
    Mon, 11th May 20098:23 am 

    Haha thanks for the advice guys. I need all the help I can get…

  4. Caroline Wasterlain says:
    Mon, 11th May 20099:42 am 

    Go for it. Dating a long-time friend is usually how the most successful relationships are made! If it doesn't work out, you can probably still be great friends. But it probably will!

  5. Lisa says:
    Mon, 11th May 200910:24 am 

    As much as many people say that you can't be friends after a breakup…I know that's not true. Two of my best friends dated each other and then had a SUPER messy breakup and sure it was really rocky for awhile, but they're good friends again now. So I say go for it! Plus, if you don't you're always gonna wonder what if.

  6. Positively Present says:
    Mon, 11th May 200910:25 am 

    Unfortunately, I don't think you easily go back to the way it was before. Now it will always be obvious that there is more-than-friends chemistry between you two. If I were you, I would take it slow and see what happens. It sounds like you're good for each other and it's worth a shot. If it doesn't work out, you could lose a friend, but you won't necessarily. Sometimes people try out relationships and then remain friends after. You never know until you try…

    http://www.positivelypresent.com

  7. Alana- Boston Univer says:
    Mon, 11th May 20091:51 pm 

    So it sounds like most of you are saying go for it…

  8. Maggie says:
    Mon, 11th May 20093:48 pm 

    Hm, this is a complicated situation. On the one hand, because you’re already great friends, you could have an awesome relationship. On the other hand, the fact that you said that you were really looking forward to being single this summer is a bit of a red flag. In the end, it sounds like it kinda depends on what your priorities are. If you care more about being single than being in a relationship with your best friend, then talk to him about it. Yes, it will probably be awkward if you reject him, but if he is really your best friend, he’ll at least try to understand. He might not get over it right away, but give him time. Good luck with your decision!

  9. Meregan says:
    Mon, 11th May 20095:06 pm 

    Last year I was in exactly the same place as you. I went for it because things were already changed by his actions and I figured I would always wonder what if. Having been together for a year, I know he’s the one I want to marry. There’s nothing like dating your best friend–sure you know much more about him than you might about a random guy you picked up in a bar but you probably don’t know what he’s like with someone he’s dating. I get single flowers when he comes back from a run, perfectly thoughtful gifts for holidays and he thinks I’m cute in sweatpants. Chances are your best friend has seen your worst side (whether it’s bed head or PMS) and is still standing there instead of running for the hills. If there’s chemistry, go for it.

  10. Y says:
    Mon, 11th May 20096:49 pm 

    i'm actually in the same situation as well and have no idea what to do.

    but the problem is that im in new york and he's all the way in california, but we're both from the same area so i've known him since high school.

  11. Danielle says:
    Mon, 11th May 200910:36 pm 

    well i’m in the opposite situation and i’m about to tell him i can’t be his friend anymore because it hurts to much to not date him. So make your choice but remember there’s a chance he’ll get hurt either way.

  12. meg says:
    Tue, 12th May 200910:54 am 

    oh yup i'm in the same situation, except he's been my best for 4 years, we've had sex multiple times over the past few months and we're both graduating in a week. i say try it out. i still have NO clue what I should do because it's a total mess i'm in.

  13. Gabe Gulliver says:
    Wed, 13th May 20096:30 am 

    I agree with the fact that it might already be too late. You've got to go for it. If he is your best friend he'll understand that you still need to go out and do your own thing.

    But from a guys prospective. You need to lay things out for him. It's hard to do that sometimes, but I think it'll be better if he is clued into how you are feeling.

  14. Suzanne says:
    Tue, 19th May 20098:38 am 

    We date to find love, right? Why push away an amazing guy just so you can be single? I was in this exact situation just recently and I decided to go for it. So far, it's AMAZING. I've never dated a friend before, but it's been awesome to be with someone who knows me, knows my bad side already, etc. Like Meregan said. I tried to deny it for awhile, but I realized that I'd rather take a chance on this man than stay single for no good reason, or look for some guy who'd probably just end up being a tool.

    But in the end, you have to do what is right for you. Good luck!

    http://singlesuzanne.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/a-f…

  15. jennifer from alabam says:
    Tue, 19th May 200911:07 am 

    girl, love is worth the risk, and if you are honest with him he will love you if it doesn't end up happily ever after. but what if it is your happily ever after? and if he really is your friend he shouldn't have a problem understanding u are in a seperate kind of relationship and you need your just girls time. if he doen't understand, b honest and explain it to him. help him to know these things about you, and you will b one happy and hopefully in love girl

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