Top 10: Worst Things a Guy Can Say the Morning After

May 16, 2009     Posted in HaHa, Sex

93985564_e5342af04bIt’s Friday night and you throw on your hottest little black dress, toss back some shots with your girlfriends and then hit the club, bar or, everyone’s favorite, the kegger.


By Melanie

Soon you’re in a first class seat to Blackout City (population: who the eff knows? You’re seeing double), and the next thing you know, you’re waking up topless in a strange bed, wearing someone’s boxers and one high heel. You turn over slowly, silently pleading that at least he’s good looking.

But regardless of what you see (there’s no turning back now, sister!), there are 10 major things you don’t want to hear:

1.    “You’re on birth control, right?”
(OhMyGodPleaseLetThereBeACondomWrapperOnTheFloor…..)

2.    “That video is going to get so many hits online”

3.    “What was your name again?”
This problem is two-fold. One: he put his P in your V and he doesn’t even know your name?! What a sleaze. Two: Sh*t! What name did you give him last night!?

4.    “Thank God those warts went away!”

5.    “I love you.”
You knew you were good, but that good?

6.    “I always knew my first time would be awesome!”

7.     “You might want to get checked out.”

8.   “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
Other equally terrible comparisons: ex-girlfriend, your mom, your roommate, your best friend, and your best gay guy friend.

9.    “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”

10.     “So, you want to go down on me or what?”
Especially heinous after a long encounter with every girl’s arch nemesis, Mr. Whiskey Dick.

All ten of these are serious cause to pack that kid up and ship him out. Oh…this is his place? Ok, just find your other shoe and be on your way. Or just screw the shoe – you’ve got plenty more at home. Run!

Have you heard worse? Share your thoughts below!

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

55 Comments on "Top 10: Worst Things a Guy Can Say the Morning After"

  1. sauer kraut says:
    Sat, 16th May 20092:15 pm 

    This is a poll, yes? In that case, I vote for #6 !!

  2. criolle johnny says:
    Sun, 17th May 20098:27 am 

    Sorry, the rest of the guys went to work …

  3. Liz says:
    Sun, 17th May 200910:22 am 

    The last one is worse when they don't even ask, they just start shoving your face down there and your just starting to wake up.

  4. shinediamond says:
    Sun, 17th May 20093:53 pm 

    what a terrible accindent,,, LOL

  5. Meredith says:
    Sun, 17th May 20095:13 pm 

    you tagged bunk beds. hahahahhahahahaha.

  6. Nicole Cohen says:
    Sun, 17th May 20096:03 pm 

    How about "Boy, I must have been really drunk last night!"

  7. Jennifer says:
    Mon, 18th May 20093:56 am 

    This is a terrible article for sluts. The funny thing is, while you may think it is cute while you are young and going to college, once you are out of college, guys will be repulsed and sickened by old fogeys doing this. There will always be younger girls that will take your place.

  8. housekio8 says:
    Mon, 18th May 20095:02 am 

    Oh damn, I hate number 8.

  9. Patrice says:
    Mon, 18th May 20099:04 am 

    Ok How about when they don't say anything at all, just get up in the morning, get dressed, leave the room… and don't come back. Yeah, been there done that!

  10. taxidepot says:
    Mon, 18th May 200910:29 am 

    so lame

  11. Melanie - Northeaste says:
    Mon, 18th May 200910:54 am 

    Bunkbeds the morning after. Nothing even needs to be said.

  12. Mark says:
    Mon, 18th May 20091:26 pm 

    http://br4inh4x.mybrute.com – The most famous browser-MMORPG on the net! When creating the character, press F5 – you are going to start with awesome gear so you can get fast XP and levels!

  13. Mark says:
    Mon, 18th May 20091:26 pm 

    http://br4inh4x.mybrute.com – The most famous browser-MMORPG on the net! When creating the character, press F5 – you are going to start with awesome gear so you can get fast XP and levels!

  14. Bane Unreinen says:
    Mon, 18th May 20094:10 pm 

    11) Last night would have been better if you didn't move like a zombie!

  15. Jenn says:
    Mon, 18th May 20096:36 pm 

    Boring!! why don't you write something about sextoys?

    http://www.thepleasureeden.com

  16. Herilanto says:
    Mon, 18th May 200911:37 pm 

    The next morning? I really have no idea girls!

    I jst came to enjoy sororities picts in here.

    posting some in the short future?

    see if you….

  17. clitemnistra says:
    Tue, 19th May 20097:28 am 

    Hahahahaha!!!!! Very nice. I think you forgot the best one, people really hate it.

    "Thank you" while you're getting you're clothes back on or at the front door, where you're showing the dude the way out.

    I don't know why, they just take it the wrong way :P

  18. Also Jennifer says:
    Tue, 19th May 200911:28 am 

    Wow. I’m in college and I think this is really sad. I mean, I know people do stuff like this but how can you respect yourself at all? If you don’t remember it how can you enjoy it and what’s the point in the first place.
    I’m not saying I wouldn’t hook up with someone random (in theory that might happen at some point…) but why do it drunk? What is better about it? It sounds as if you do it cause you know it’s a bad decision but you want to make it anyway.
    I guess it’s nice you can find humor in it at least.

  19. Brenna says:
    Tue, 19th May 20091:48 pm 

    This article makes me upset, since it, y'know, laughs off date rape.

  20. baldouting.blogspot. says:
    Tue, 19th May 20097:57 pm 

    haha at #2 – at least he told you about the video and you weren't surprised when you stumbled upon it online.

  21. Magnus says:
    Wed, 20th May 20099:32 pm 

    The best morning preparation one of us guys could say is: how do you like your eggs in the morning? scrambled or fertilized?

  22. dJeen says:
    Thu, 21st May 20095:14 am 

    its funny yet when you’re in the situation with a guy, you’ll pray he wont say any of these. Not even the I love You stuff. Haha.

  23. melodieladner says:
    Thu, 21st May 200912:53 pm 

    Hey man, true love waits.

  24. Leroy says:
    Thu, 21st May 20098:42 pm 

    Just another lame ass article on College Candy. Go back to Facebook and post this shit for your friends only. Like your professor told you: "sorry to hear that you failed my Eng. Comp class. Yeah you fuck real nice this late inthe year. But you are still getting a F in the class"

  25. Melanie - Northeaste says:
    Fri, 22nd May 20091:20 pm 

    You stay classy, Leroy.

  26. Emma says:
    Sun, 24th May 200910:59 am 

    yea….it's called don't be a slut and this shit won't happen to you.

  27. mrx says:
    Mon, 25th May 20092:49 pm 

    Awesome list. Here are three things you might want to keep in mind if your trying to find hot girls.

    http://www.mrxdating.com/2009/05/24/how-to-find-h…

  28. Willy says:
    Wed, 27th May 20093:59 pm 

    SHit baby, your breath stinks like dog shit. go wash your mouth your ass and stinky pussy.

  29. Molly says:
    Sat, 30th May 20096:40 am 

    AHHHHH! #10! lol!!!

    All that effort/ me just being hott that night for him to not perform?!? F*** that S***!!! lol!

  30. crazy0122003 says:
    Sun, 31st May 20095:33 pm 

    Haha I have had number 10 but he asked a bit nicer

  31. BigJohn says:
    Sun, 31st May 20097:10 pm 

    Baby, you got any friends that wanna fuck too??

  32. Bubba says:
    Sat, 6th Jun 20096:34 pm 

    shit baby u got whiskey pussy?

  33. peter says:
    Sun, 7th Jun 20097:57 am 

    why your breath smell like my momma's puusy?

  34. Sammy says:
    Sun, 7th Jun 20095:47 pm 

    why does your ass smell like Mcdonald's fries when I fuck it?

  35. Erin says:
    Sun, 7th Jun 20095:54 pm 

    Baby, blow a big fart so I can light that shit with my lighter. Be careful you don't cinge by asshole hairs with that flame..

  36. Pops says:
    Mon, 8th Jun 20099:02 pm 

    Lick me shit covered hole you dirty whore..

  37. ford cruller says:
    Tue, 9th Jun 20092:41 pm 

    The worst thing I ever said was "You must not fal in love with me" In Norwegian, something like that. Dont know why I said it, fear of something, dependency? After that we became friends, and that is good, but also sad. Years later, she mowed, fell in love, got a kid, got divorced. Then I met here and told here about my biggest mistake. She liked that and gave me a beautiful smile, and a nice hug when she left. We talk or sms maybe once a year and nothing more is probably gonna happen.

    My point is, If you say or do something stupid and you know it, you can try to do something about it. No that was not my point, newer mind about points, Yes thats it, don't collect more points.

  38. Bubba says:
    Thu, 11th Jun 20091:13 am 

    Take a dump on my chest and piss in my mouth

  39. George says:
    Thu, 11th Jun 20095:41 pm 

    Double dong me

  40. Willy says:
    Sat, 13th Jun 20093:53 pm 

    Baby, let me take a dump on your tits and piss in your mouth..

  41. sam says:
    Sat, 20th Jun 20097:43 pm 

    "So, what do you charge?"

  42. Louis says:
    Sun, 21st Jun 20094:32 am 

    take a crap in my mouth while we 69

  43. Junior says:
    Sun, 21st Jun 200911:22 am 

    I gots some lube. What hole you want it in?

  44. Yolanda says:
    Thu, 25th Jun 20094:47 pm 

    Anyone horny for a nice fat black chic?

    email me HornyYolanda@aol.com

    All cock must be over 12" hard cause I'm going swallow that all the way baby.

  45. lol says:
    Sat, 23rd Oct 201012:11 pm 

    "i have a sleeping bag in my car"

    "You should have brought that last night"

    "oh.."

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    Fri, 22nd Jul 20111:36 am 

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