Facebook Makes Breakups Even Uglier

May 20, 2009     Posted in Uncategorized

torn_edges_01We are the Facebook generation.  With this glorious title comes many responsibilities (well, sort of): we must immediately inform our friends of any and all actions we take and decisions we make during our day.  This includes what TV show we’re watching, what we are eating, the status of our relationships and, subsequently, our break-ups.


By Katie

Now that Facebook is in the picture, there is a whole new slew of issues we must face when dealing with a heartbreaking, make-you-wanna-sit-in-your-room-alone-crying-to-sappy-music breakups.

Before Facebook (BF): You break it off with your lover and tell everyone that you ended it, so you need your besties and Ben & Jerry’s, like, stat.
After Facebook (AF): You break it off with your lover and they change their relationship status first, making it look like it was their decision.  Which it was not. Ok, maybe it was, but did they have to change that so quickly? Now you’re getting 45 FB messages and wall posts asking if you are OK.

BF: You rip up all your pictures, cutting out your ex’s face and even burning the particularly painful ones.  Ah, satisfaction.
AF: You untag the 1,938 pictures of you guys as a couple.  It takes four hours and is in no way satisfying because there is a sad lack of sharp objects and fire. And the pictures are still fully intact.

BF: You carefully orchestrate a plan to “accidentally” be at the same social function as your ex, looking fabulous and with what looks like the next Calvin Klein underwear model.
AF: You post pictures from a bender with your besties, carefully editing out the embarrassing bits (oh, thousands) and making sure to post an appropriate, make-him-jealous Facebook status (“Sooo tired but had the best time EVER last night!! <3 Mike” Note: Mike is not your ex).

BF: You still have his daily schedule memorized, so you “check up” on him every now and then.  (Wait, why is he lingering in Starbucks so long?  When did Starbucks start hiring models as baristas??)
AF: You and your Blackberry settle down for a productive day of Facebook stalking.  Looks like your ex hasn’t posted any photos since your break-up.  Is that because he hasn’t done anything worthy of photos, or is that because he’s been too busy with someone else to get any photos taken??

BF: You avoid any sort of knowledge that he has moved on before you.
AF: Your Newsfeed tells you that some new chick has posted pictures of him. You spend the next 3 hours checking this girl out, seeing who she knows, Googling her, and trying to figure out if they are just friends or if it’s something more.

BF: You totally cut your ex out of your life: ignoring his phone calls, staying away from his favorite places, etc.  Cold turkey on the communication.
AF: You un-friend your ex on Facebook so he can’t see your frequent status updates that include comments on your daily testing of waterproof mascara and the merits of  the different flavors of Ben & Jerry’s (seriously, they are the bearers of peace and serenity). And then you regret un-friending him because you can no longer see what he’s doing. But you can’t re-friend him; that would just be pathetic. What should you do? Oh why did you act so abruptly? Now you are going to have to stalk your friends who are still friends with him so you can use their FB to look at him.

Ugh. As if breaking up weren’t hard enough already…

36 Comments on "Facebook Makes Breakups Even Uglier"

  1. Sarah says:
    Wed, 20th May 20097:44 am 

    Facebook can be hell for the person doing the breaking up as well. I dumped my ex last December, and apparently that upset his friends because they all formed a Facebook Group denouncing me: "Friends who will beat the crap out of John* if he takes Sarah back."

    The best part? When I posted on the wall of the group that I didn't appreciate them calling me a bitch in the group description, they told me I was being self-centered because "the world doesn't revolved around" me.

    Break-ups are hard for everyone, people. Let's show a little compassion and not be anonymous internet assholes.

    *Name has been changed to make it harder to find this group, as it still exists

  2. Vickie says:
    Wed, 20th May 20098:12 am 

    Sarah you're story sound a lot like something that happened to one of my old friends…

    But anywho, I LOVE this post–oh so true. And it's basically the same for when you just start liking a guy and you want to find everything you can about him.

  3. Vickie says:
    Wed, 20th May 20098:13 am 

    *your

  4. Keightee says:
    Wed, 20th May 20098:26 am 

    I had a friend just go through a breakup on facebook and the I knew immediately when I logged in because it said "X is no longer in a relationship". That's just mean, facebook!

    When I went to her page I saw that she had a bunch of "omg, what happened" and "are you okay???" comments and I felt so weird seeing them. I chose not to go that route because it just felt fake giving condolences via facebook. Instead, I sent her a separate email to let her know I was around if she wanted to talk.

    That all being said, I enjoyed this article!

  5. Jenny says:
    Wed, 20th May 20098:33 am 

    Sarah, I've seen that done to an acquaintance of mine. The girl made a group that totally bashed this poor guy for breaking up with her. The group has been deleted since then, but still, it was an incredibly immature move on her part.

  6. Marissa says:
    Wed, 20th May 20098:39 am 

    This article is so funny because it's soo true!

    I also hate when one of the people CONSTANTLY updates their status update with nasty quotes that are obviously directed towards their ex. A girl that I work with is currently doing this multiple times a day.. the rest of the world doesn't need to read about your drama on the hour!

  7. Rebecca says:
    Wed, 20th May 20099:23 am 

    Facebook makes our lives too public. I deleted my "relationship status" because the relationship I'm in right now is not official and kind of complicated. I don't need Facebook forcing me to choose a status! And I especially don't need rando acquaintances inquiring about any status change. I think it's awkward and unnecessary for people you barely know to be so interested in your personal love life – my good friends will hear about this stuff directly from me, not Facebook.

  8. carla says:
    Wed, 20th May 20092:45 pm 

    i love this post! its so true! yeah, i kinda do regret deleting off my ex from my list but we have exchanged emails lately and i have half-access to his profile, haha!

  9. La says:
    Wed, 20th May 20093:24 pm 

    LOVE this article. It’s so true. It’s ridiculous how invasive Facebook is, and how OK people are with it. I broke up with my boyfriend, but have had it set for a very long time prior on Facebook so that no one could see my relationship status. He decides to update his to “single,” and suddenly the masses crawl out from the woodwork asking him if it’s true and for details. Unbelievable.

  10. Positively Present says:
    Wed, 20th May 20093:44 pm 

    This is awesome and SO true. EXACTLY why I no longer have FB!

    http://www.positivelypresent.com

  11. ann says:
    Wed, 20th May 20094:57 pm 

    SO true!

  12. Mazuba says:
    Wed, 20th May 20095:35 pm 

    Love the article.

  13. AKM says:
    Fri, 5th Jun 20094:49 pm 

    abadbreakup.blogspot.com

    The social networking phenomena have dramatically changed the sense of community. As I have heard, it's the best living room out there.

  14. Chryste says:
    Fri, 26th Jun 20098:41 am 

    I think this is a horrible epidemic. I liked life how it was BF (before facebook). My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and have "broken up" so many times in between that it is ridiculous and now my status doesn't say anything anymore because its too hard to keep up with it all the time and we never really do "break up" its just us being us but then at the same time it bugs me that neither on of us has 'in a relationship' as our status becasue I want everyone to know that I am off the market and I want his stupid ex's to know HE is off the market (should I be pissed they are on his facebook still???) Facebook makes relationships so much more complicated.

  15. rossan says:
    Sun, 9th Aug 20099:27 pm 

    I found this article 'cause actually I was breaking up with more than my boyfriend, he was like a husband, he cheated on me and told me that he didn't feel the same long time ago… We were discussing if we should delete all the connections between ourselves -family, friends of him, friends of mine- 'cause I don't want that we both have the temptation to go through each others profiles and check how's the other one… SO BLOODY COMPLICATED… my heart is broken… :(

  16. gracebite says:
    Sun, 15th Nov 20094:56 am 

    lol. true on SO many levels.

    my relationship status says im in a relationship with my bff.. and has been so despite my year and a half relationship with my boyfriend. its easieer that way. :)

    && i made the bold decision to delete all of my ex's, theyre ex's/new gfs/close friends that i wld [shamelessly] stalk them through… and instantly regretted it. HA. now i cant resend a friend request w/o being weird. so we stay in contact through myspace instead. none of them have brought it up.. thank god!!! lol.

  17. e says:
    Tue, 17th Nov 20092:27 pm 

    This was a great article to read, and very true. what about changing your looking for? whats the meaning behind it and would you change it just so ur ex will see if theycontact u or u change it cause u reall want that?

  18. V says:
    Wed, 23rd Dec 20094:50 am 

    As if phone and e-mail dumping wasn't bad enough, now all it takes is a "changed relationship status" to do it. My ex and I had been heading towards a breakup for the past couple of weeks, but rather than talking it through or simply telling me he wanted out he switched his status to "single" while I was offline. I wasn't so much hurt as I was astounded and disgusted that breakups have become so impersonal and immature.

  19. S. Wagner says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:29 pm 

    Oh yeah, well this article (although wonderful and very helpful) does not address some very important and ultra-sucky issues regarding breakups and Facebook!

    What do you do about the 175 mutual friends that you and your ex have? You have been wise enough to block his status updates so you do not see his posts, but what about all the mutual friends and the pictures they post of them out together and the status updates they post that you see all of HIS COMMENTS on as he often comments on their posts as well.

    I've now had to NOT ONLY block all of his status updates, but I've also had to block ALL 175 mutual friends so that I do not see his comments to their posts or any pictures that they post! Ug! So infuriating!

    Also, we have not even mentioned about our own posts on Facebook. So, let's say that we have our ex's blocked so we cannot see their updates and be bombarded with information they will be doing every 4 hours.

    Now, we must also block our status feeds from them being able to see it so they do not know what we are doing every 4 hours (or everyday) as well!

    When you break up with someone their should be some space! With status updates every day it is a jab in the heart and prolongs the healing process. Facebook has definitely complicated things for singles. Boooo for Facebook and breakups. It SUCKS *ss bigtime.

  20. E.C. says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:45 pm 

    Regarding the previous comment, I have the same situation. We have lots of mutual friends that he hangs out with often. Should I delete all of them too or just hide their status?

    This sucks because whenever they post a status then I cannot see it for fear that I might see his comments to them as well.

    What should you do if you have lots of mutual friends?

    Should you also hide your status from him so he cannot see what you are doing?

    I'd rather not delete him as a friend, but certainly don't want to go through the pain of seeing him on Facebook all the time or giving him the privilege of knowing what I am doing all the time.

    Any adivce appreciated. Thanx!

  21. Amanda says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:49 pm 

    What really sucks about your situations is that even if you delete this jerk as a friend, if you have a bunch of mutual friends then he will ALWAYS be in your Facebook life, because any posts that he comments on of your friends you will always see from here until you are 90 years old!

    So just deleting him is not good enough! Facebook is beyond horrid for breakups!

    Be VERY grateful if you do not have many mutual friends!

  22. Cherie Koh says:
    Thu, 28th Jan 201012:38 am 

    sooooooo true. That's exactly what I would do if I went through a break up as well. The easiest, delete your facebook account and start afresh! (if the breakup is really bad)

  23. Cherie Koh says:
    Thu, 28th Jan 201012:40 am 

    to E.C, set up a new facebook account and add all your friends. And when you are strong enough and ready to to facebook stalk him, you can log into your old account ;)

  24. Brian says:
    Tue, 23rd Feb 20105:05 am 

    I was an *ss a week ago. Stupid drunk comments about a person's past. Got a butt chew-out phone call that morning, have not heard since. Sent notes and flowers, no response. FB still says she is in a relationship with me. Is a week maybe just not enough time?

  25. Findlay says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 201012:14 am 

    I hooked up with an old school-mate and after a few months things got awkward due to personality clashes, (which even a romantic weekend in Paris couldn't solve)

    As soon as we came back she broke it off, then changed her status the same day. I followed suit but neither of us unfriended each other as we wanted to stay friends. Since then I couldn't stop looking at her fb updates. Especially when she started posting within days about wanting to go out clubbing and have "a sexy time!" and putting comments about hot french guys in the pictures from our holiday!

    So I've had her unfriend me, ironically she doesn't seem to think she's done anything to bother me. Best thing really, blocking ehr would seem unfair, as I don't hate her. It's just damn annoying having a portal into the life of someone you still want to be with and realising that at least on the face(book) of it, they're completely over the entire relationship.

  26. Jim says:
    Thu, 15th Apr 201010:26 am 

    I am very seriously considering breaking it off with someone right now. The problem is that I'm afraid she's going to trash me on FB. We went to the same high school as well, so I have no idea how many high school friends I'm going to lose over this. Oye!

  27. amanda says:
    Mon, 19th Apr 20108:42 pm 

    if you have a facebook break up email us at facebookrelationshipenders@gmail.com and your story could be published. leave your contact info!

  28. Dee says:
    Sat, 3rd Jul 20108:07 am 

    I have to admit that although FB has nothing to do with real life relationships but it is considered as an outlet for our feelings and in specific anger. My ex fiancee and i broke up 6 months ago because of the flat we were supposed to live in (stupid reason I guess). Two days after the break up, he unfriended me. Our families were friends but now are worst enemies. He and i didnt try to sort out things as grown-ups. His sisters were in touch with me after break up and i didnt remove them from my FB but when his sister and I talked, she was very nice then we finally talked about the problem, she was very rude and she kept blaming me for the break up not trying to help to bridge the gap between her brother and I. She then sent me a very insulting msg.. i didnt reply but i unfriended her and all of his sisters. It was Quite a relief. She and her sisters tried to apologize but enough is enough :@… If he wants me, he should fight for it.

  29. Nicole says:
    Mon, 5th Jul 20101:15 pm 

    Wow, this article is on point. I broke up with my ex months ago, yet I still feel the need to check his FB daily, and still freak out when i see a girl making questionable comments on his wall. With that being said, FB has made the breakup 20X harder than it has to be, SERIOUSLY! I could have moved on by month two had newsfeed not reminded me of last night's festivities. I now have him in a special friends list on FB Chat to make it appear as though I am not online. Honestly, FB, AIM, and other internet tools have put me in a down-right ugly position in the eyes of my ex, and yet the computer still draws me in. maybe i should just remove him as a friend.

  30. Madelene Pere says:
    Tue, 2nd Nov 20105:12 am 

    I laughed when I read the part about having to untag 1,900+ photos of you and your ex. Un-friending your ex and un-displaying one's relationship status are easy. But untagging photos is a lot of work! I think being too active on facebook takes away one's 'mystery'.

    http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Doesnt-He-Love-Me-A…

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