The Un-Sexiest Things Guys Can Do

Since the 5th grade, when I began my dating career and had my first closed-mouth kiss, I have been developing some pretty serious opinions about guys and the things they should and shouldn’t do. From fashion choices to their decisions about personal hygiene, it seems that some members of the male sex are still confused and clueless when it comes to putting themselves together. Below are six common mistakes guys make when trying to bring on the sex appeal that only end up looking, well, really unappealing. Take note, guys.

Chewing/Spitting Tobacco:
In the timeless film “Clueless,” Cher explains that drawing attention to your mouth is the number one way to draw the attention of a member of the opposite sex. I would agree, for the most part, unless we’re talking about chewing tobacco. When I see a guy spit that horrific brown goo into an empty Poland Springs bottle, or pack that junk into his lower lip, I want to vomit. If you must give in to your oral fixation, chew some gum or suck on a lollipop. Turquoise Orbit is my favorite, if you’re interested.

Wife beaters and too-tight muscle T’s:
I totally understand that guys work hard in the gym, grunting and groaning and pumping iron until they are ready to pop a blood vessel, and that they are proud to show their goods off. But wearing regular clothing can be equally revealing. Wife beaters belong at the Jersey Shore, or in bed if you don’t feel like hitting the sheets shirtless. And too-tight muscle T’s are just a recipe for bad sweat stains. Steer clear of both.

Unibrows:
If you have one long eyebrow instead of two separate ones, it is time to do something about it. Beware, however, of the overly arched/styled brow, as these are only for girls. And I’m not talking about shaving, so put away the razor unless you want your forehead to be as spiky as your cheeks on the third day. Tweezers are your friend, and wax can be utilized as well, as long as you put yourself in the care of the right individual.

Big chains or any other kind of bling (especially in the ears):
Now I’m not a believer that jewelry is only for women, and I’ll admit that I sometimes find facial and ear piercings sexy if they’re not too obvious. But when enormous (fake) diamond earrings or tacky crosses/nameplates/link-chains make their way into the picture, you’ve gone too far.

Ponytails or hair that falls below your shoulder paired with headbands/scrunchies/bandanas/etc:
This is something that I feel very passionately about. Unless you are David Beckham, Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp (or have their chiseled perfection and generally attractive appearance), keep it short. And this goes for uncontrollable facial hair as well. If it’s long enough to twirl or braid, it’s too long.

Pants that do not fit:
This goes for baggy and saggy bottoms as well as the skinny jeans that we’re seeing on the runways and on the bodies of many male celebrities. Gisele is supposed to wear tight pants – boys are not. This is just a rule. And I cannot imagine that clinging denim is very comfortable in the “upper region,” if you know what I mean.