Sexy Time: Intimacy Lite

May 28, 2009 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Kelly g+ page

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By Kelly

These days, women are suckers for anything labeled “lite,” whether it’s cookies , ice cream or even bacon-flavored spread (um, WTF?).  It was only a matter of time before we started taking our intimacy lite too. Intimacy lite is a new way of dating, bridging the gap between casual sex and full blown relationships.

Two of my favorite sex writers, Em and Lo, recently posted a piece about intimacy lite. As they say, “If you’ve ever spooned your booty call or held hands with your one-night stand, you’re familiar with intimacy lite… commitment-phobes (i.e. 99.9% of male college students) are especially prone to indulging in intimacy lite, and this often sends a mixed message, because if his mouth is saying one thing and his body is saying another, then you’re probably going to listen to whichever message you like best.”

I had to read their post a few times for it to fully sink in, and I suggest you do too if you suspect you’re in an intimacy lite situation. My intimacy lite story is probably a pretty typical one and it goes like this: I meet a boy. We have amazing chemistry, brain hormones go wild, love-at-first sight ensues, and is then harshly interrupted by reality.

Boy explains, “I will be moving soon, and I am afraid to get serious because I could easily see myself falling for you and don’t want that to happen.” I think about it, and decide that this little obstacle isn’t worth losing him completely, so why not continue to hang out while he’s here. Over the next few months, I see boy multiple times a week, he calls me on the phone every day, and we start becoming more and more relationship-y, but all the while he is insisting he doesn’t want anything too serious. His words were saying one thing, his actions the other. Or were they?

As easy as it was for me to tell myself, “sure, he says he doesn’t want anything serious, but he acts serious, and actions speak louder than words, right?” I am starting to rethink that. It seems that what I have here is a case of intimacy lite. He doesn’t want anything really serious – none of the real obligations or expectations that come with actual relationships – he just wants a lighter form of intimacy, some one to commiserate with about bad days or lay in bed with and cuddle on a lazy day.

The only problem is, now that I’ve figured out what’s going on, I’m still not sure how I feel about it.

Pros: I get good sex, a fun dinner companion, and someone to listen to me bitch about a bad day. I have all the perks of a relationship without the overwhelming anxiety about him being “the one.” I don’t have to stress about how good of a husband and father he’ll be when he’s hugging the toilet after a long night, because I know we’ll never make it that far.

Cons: We’re not in love and never will be. We’re not going to get married. Am I wasting my time dating someone with no future? What if I miss out on someone I truly fall in love with because I’m half-waying it with this guy? What if he meets someone he thinks he could fall in love with and drops me? Basically, what if I get hurt?

Do the pros out way the cons? I have no idea. Have you guys ever been in an intimacy lite relationship? What were your experiences? Share below!

[Photo courtesy of Julie Barnofski on Flickr.]

30 Comments on "Sexy Time: Intimacy Lite"

  1. Mazuba says:
    Thu, 28th May 20099:28 am 

    It 's really not worth it .I was in a similar situation although the guy had a gf that i knew about.The point is ,it seems like for him its more of a friends with benefits thing.And how do u knw u wont fall in love with him?The problem with being in that situation where ur more than friends but not dating is that one person usually ends up falling in love with the other and then it gets complicated and sad.So u shud def move on.

  2. Jon Ray says:
    Thu, 28th May 20099:30 am 

    I'm a guy and I'm getting "intimacy lite" signals from the girl I've been dating (for almost 6 months, now). I'm glad to finally have a term to identify these mixed feelings. At first, this drove me absolutely crazy, but then, I decided to back away just slightly and embrace it for what it was – a good time. The simple act of accepting it, not making a big deal about it, or pressing the issue has slowly brought us closer together (delusions?) and I feel like those feelings she initially had about needing to focus on her career, find herself, etc. are melting away.

    I am delusional, aren't I?

    Anyhow, I'm glad I have a term for it now. Defining it, somehow, makes me feel better. ;)

    -jonray
    http://makemoneyincollegeblog.com

  3. Lauren - University of Michigan says:
    Thu, 28th May 200911:24 am 

    OMG. So. true.
    Intimacy lite is NOT worth it. You may try and convince yourself you are happy, but your heart is invested and you are going to get hurt. Get out, get out, get out!

  4. Jen says:
    Thu, 28th May 200911:27 am 

    I’m in a similar situation. I’m studying abroad and met this guy online. We went a bit father on our first date than I expected… and anyway I realized that I’m already getting attached to him. Yet I know that it’s just *supposed* to be about having fun and someone to do stuff with in this new country (define stuff as you will). So the questions I’m facing are yours in terms of why do it if I know he’s not the one and also can I do this and not get supremely hurt in the end. Or rather, since I know it’s going to hurt, will it be worth it?

  5. chelle says:
    Thu, 28th May 200911:27 am 

    hmm totally been in that situation, for SIX months.. yup :/ we DID end up in an “offical relationship” but, if could go back in time i wouldn’t have put myself through that. i mean sure all of the pro’s you listed were the same things i was thinking but then, there we def times where i hated myself because i felt like he didn’t respect me… i started to get really insecure, (we have sex ALL THE TIME, i spend the night at his house several times a week, talk everyday, met his parents, hung out with him and his friends, went on trips together…. EVERYTHING..except he didn’t want the title of boyfriend and girlfriend.. so i thought WTF is wrong with me?? is he embarassed to be with me??) i suppose there are a lot of people that can handle this situation, but for me it really took a toll on my heart( i know, i know that sounds cheesey). i pretty much gave him all of my time and energy, i wouldn’t even date other guys, and i basically was just an option for him. i think the only way i would be able to something like that again is if i DEF didn’t have feelings for the guy. i think once you start to get feelings for the person and you’re in this type of situation its time to say goodbye, otherwise it starts to hurt.

  6. rach says:
    Thu, 28th May 200911:46 am 

    you’re young! you have the rest of your life to be in “serious” relationships and married to the same person forever. if you like spending time with him keep doing it until it isnt fun anymore. forget the labels and just go with the flow. if you want something you are getting though, then i suggest you find what you want. life is too short to be anything but happy :)

  7. Emmie says:
    Thu, 28th May 200911:50 am 

    I'm strongly convinced that it's not worth it. There was a guy that I was in this situation with last year, and I think one of the worst things is that there's no real official end. In a relationship, you break up, it's over, the end. With intimacy lite, there's nothing. You don't say "let's stop cuddling and talking and stuff" it's over, the end. It sort of hangs on forever. Even though both me and this guy have SO's now, when I see him it's still sort of weird, since there's no clear point when we "broke up" or anything, so it's almost like we're still going.

  8. wolf biter says:
    Thu, 28th May 200912:00 pm 

    I had an intimacy-lite thing last year and when it ended it was the most crushing experience of my life. We met at a party, went home together, and found we had a ton of chemistry both in and out of bed. Afterward we said we'd be friends who got drunk and made out. Unfortunately, I was more into him than he was into me and when I stopped hearing from him I was utterly destroyed by how badly I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I had no idea how I could hurt so deeply and not, like, die from the pain.

    So, in my experience, intimacy lite only works if you're less into the other person than he/she is into you, which is cruel, but so is life. I've had intimacy lite relationships since then, and it's worked out because I've been less into the guy than he is into me.

  9. Casey says:
    Thu, 28th May 20091:04 pm 

    I’ve been in an “intimacy lite” relationship a couple times. I just wanted someone for the time, but no obligations. I LOVED being in that kind of relationship. AT THE TIME. It was just was was right for me then. But now I have met the perfect guy, who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It just depends on the person though. I don’t think many girls can do the Intimacy lite thing because girls are a lot more emotional than guys and almost always get their feelings in the mix. I never had that problem, but I wouldn’t suggest it for most women.

  10. meg says:
    Thu, 28th May 200912:27 pm 

    I have no advice because this is the story of my life. I cannot seem to get away from intimacy lite. Maybe now that I've graduated college things will be better. I at least can hope.

  11. Becky says:
    Thu, 28th May 20092:33 pm 

    It makes me really sad to realize that this is the situation I am currently in. I feel like I care about him more than he does me and if we don't commit in the future I am going to get hurt. My only consolation is that we are apart for the summer, so I didn't bring up the BF/GF issue because I knew I wouldn't see him for three months. But after school starts again I definitely need a commitment or I'm moving on.

  12. Rio says:
    Thu, 28th May 20095:45 pm 

    What is this about GF/BF when you are in college? Be realistic!! In time both may take jobs and have careers far from each other. One cannot plan their life around someone else without paying a high price. Here you are in some of the last social days of your life when the future beckons: what are you doing stressing about this?? What will your career be? What did you go to college for a MRS degree?? There is a lot to be said for walking your own path. A relationship is not the end all of life. It sounds like your emotions and reality are at odds. Once the real world comes into play much of this will be water under the bridge. The hot guy in college can be a bust at life. Do yourself a favor, date sex,but keep your eye on the career prize. You will thank yourself later.

  13. Reality Check says:
    Thu, 28th May 20099:13 pm 

    Totally agree with the above comment. All this sh*t goes out the window when the "cool guy" in college ends up being the lifelong loser, while the guy in college who got passed up becomes the hot commodity. It really does change in the blink of an eye. Money talks!!!!!

  14. Ace says:
    Fri, 29th May 20096:35 am 

    I think I'm in that right now, I'm sleeping with my roommate, apparently several of his former roommates have as well. He's a charming french speaking artist and he's fun to go out with or just hang out at home with. But I have no emotional attachment to him. I know it's not going to go anywhere, I know he has other women and so far at least I don't care. I don't want to be in a relationship with him it's really just a matter of convenience and over active hormones. Is that really all that bad?

  15. L says:
    Fri, 29th May 20096:49 am 

    Bad, bad, bad. I dated a guy I knew was moving away in a few months, looking back it was definitely also a case of intimacy lite, and it completely tore me apart. I was upset during the semi-relationship about what was going on and the fact that he'd be leaving in a few months, and once he was gone he kept contacting me and made it impossible for me to move on. Break it off now! It's not worth it.

  16. Steph says:
    Fri, 29th May 200910:41 am 

    I think this is all just a matter of what you are looking for…which to me it sounds like you do really want to find "the one". That confuses me, though, cause college is a time to experience life, not completely plan for the rest of it! And experience involves liking/loving someone while risking getting hurt…and then almost inevitably actually getting hurt. I honestly don't think that these intimacy lite situations are as horrible as most people make them out to be. Just have fun and go with the flow…when it's time to let go you will know.

    Also, thanks to the lack of commitment, if Mr. Right comes along during this pseudo relationship, you don't have to feel guilty about going for him!

  17. S says:
    Fri, 29th May 20097:42 pm 

    i tend to believe that the guys who are seeking these kinds of relationships are not happy with themselves or have issues. the whole problem here is the lack of communication and it's never a good sign. someone who is confident won't take the wishy-washy middle ground stand and will make up his mind – he either wants to be in a relationship or he doesn't. and if he doesn't, it's really an asshole move to lead the other person on. like most people here i've experienced that and i still can't understand how people can have no respect or integrity – for themselves and for others…

  18. serena says:
    Fri, 29th May 20098:07 pm 

    I was in an “intimacy lite” relationship a year ago. Hung out everyday, made dinner together, talked about life, made informal plans for the rest of the summer, slept together (cuddling only), were basically attached at the hip. It literally pained my roommates when he would leave my room in the morning and I would tell them that nothing happened. Still. Turns out it was “intimacy lite” because he was going to grad school in the fall and didn’t want to get serious. My heart was broken over the relationship that we technically never had. And then once he left for school he started dating the girl that was a previous hook up. Low blow.

  19. Amber says:
    Fri, 29th May 200910:42 pm 

    No better than being friends with benefits. I just don't need sex bad enough to even bother with it. Most men under 30 are not going to commit, we have to accept that…and move on.

  20. meli says:
    Mon, 1st Jun 20099:36 pm 

    Intimacy lite sucks except for when it doesn't. I weened myself off of him- in the middle of it I realized I was starting to be "in it" way more than he was. I didn't want to hate him for it, or have him resent me for it; I filled up my schedule with other things, checked out a yoga studio, did some artsy fashion stuff with girlfriends, distracted myself with other HOT, FUN, INSPIRING, guys.

    Intimacy lite dude didn't care- no messy break up, and I was the one to call the shot on the relationship; and keep a little self respect.

    He left today (just graduated) and a little piece of my heart hurts BUT I have had so many more awesome experiences that I would have missed if I didn't make it stop before it got stupid.

  21. Stacey says:
    Thu, 4th Jun 20095:26 pm 

    I rode on the "he says he doesn't want a relationship but the sex is so good and he acts like my boyfriend" delusion for eight months. It wasn't worth it at all. I got extremely attached and VERY hurt when things finally ended. What I learned: I cannot have sex without becoming attached.

  22. Stephanie says:
    Wed, 17th Jun 20097:21 am 

    I personally love Intimacy-Lite. Yeah its a little hard sometimes but that seems to be when I thrive. It makes me work on the relationship I have with myself as well as having someone to hang out with in the process. Right now, I'm on an only intimacy-lite diet (I just didn't know what it was called..)

    I don't want the standards of a relationship hanging over my head but I do get lonely. Its only worked out once before where we weren't at least friends afterwards. It's honestly a pretty great situation for me in most respects but then again I'm always willing to risk a little hurt for something that i want..

  23. Butterfly says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20099:38 am 

    I have never heard of this before now, however, I just went through it recently, wondering, "what the hell just happened?". The guy said nothing serious, but actions were dominately caring/loving. Then he moves a girl into his house to help "babysit" his kids. Next thing I know, I don't see or hear from him as much, and he's letting her stay in his bed. I drew the line. I refuse to let anyone play both sides of the fence and control my life that way…especially when he talked about how bad she was, blah, blah, blah… I finally cut it clean when I found out he had passed a std to me from her and then didn't even say he was sorry. Girls, if they say they arent like other men…thier not,…THIER WORSE!

  24. pe. riche. says:
    Fri, 21st Aug 200910:44 am 

    I'm 21, so the idea of a husband, or whether or not a guy I'm dating is going to be a good father, is far from my mind.

    Right now, I don't want to be head or heels or even in deep love. I have so much to accomplish before I even begin to think about settling down.

    Since we are young, we should use this time to date and figure out what we like/don't like in a partner. When the time comes for "the one", the time will come. Worrying and fretting over it will not alter the situation. Just go with the flow. And have fun.

  25. kate says:
    Fri, 25th Sep 20097:57 am 

    I am experiencing intimacy lite right now and it's so confusing. I feel as if there is so much potential for us to work and the fact that he doesn't want to "date" me makes me feel as if I am not good enough. I have to end it asap. Any advice on what I can say?

  26. rese says:
    Sun, 11th Oct 200910:45 am 

    I was in an 'intimacy lite' relationship for several years with the same guy. He stayed over 5 nights a week, we went out, we talked everyday. So it begs the question, is it actually a relationship?? Anyway, I was clearly more involved than he was because he met someone he could actually be with. In retrospect, I was the idiot… My best advice, RUN, as fast as you can. It isn't real and life is too short for something false.

  27. janet says:
    Sat, 27th Aug 20117:02 pm 

    You would be surprised, I think most Men from 30-38 are not going to commit. They like to continue to playing the field.

  28. janet says:
    Sat, 27th Aug 20118:01 pm 

    I totally agree with you. I dated a guy for 5 months and through out out dating i felt like i was the only one in it all by my self. When i was with him he made me feel like he wanted to be with me. Whenever we were apart i wouldn't hear from him 1-2 weeks. I got tired and text him not to call me anymore. He called me and gave me excuses of how busy he was. A couple of weeks later i told him that i didn't think we were on the same page. He stated that I was right and that he wasn't ready for a relationship right now. I'm not upset with not having a relationship with him at all because I can do better, things wouldn't have worked out anyway. We never had sex because of my faith in Christ. I told him that from the very beginning. We did have intimate moments but it never led to having sex. Who knows maybe that's the reason why he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship (AKA Not interested). I did notice the lack of communication and he did lead me on. Now i can say that I hold my head up high because I didn't let it continue. I realize that he was only after sex. I realize that he wants to continue playing the field. Guys like that has no respect for themselves or women all they care about is satisfying their Lust for that moment. Ladies don't be a for the moment booty call. Know that you are worth more than that. God created you beautiful.

  29. Saida says:
    Wed, 11th Jul 20129:55 am 

    Dear Ava, I am from OC, MD..I have many family and fnierds who travel the route and live off of 142nd st..when i heard this story, all I could think of was what if this had been them! And even though I don’t know you, my heart goes out to you just as much as if it was my family! I pray everyday for you and your family! In my heart, i just know you are going to get better..I can feel it!! Soooo many people are praying and pulling for you-little one!! Fight Ava!! Fight!!God is strong, and so are you! I looking forward to hearing of your miraculous full recovery in the near future! Rest now baby girl!

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