The Doctor Is In: Uncomfortable With Sex
Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she or he will judge you, you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.
After so many of you wrote in to ask Dr. Lissa Rankin questions during CollegeCandy’s STD Awareness Day, we thought we’d bring her back more regularly. So, every Thursday she will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person and didn’t really trust the Yahoo community to answer for you. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!
Q: I feel very uncomfortable with all things sex. I am not very experienced and get really nervous when the opportunity arises. How can I fix that?
A: To answer your question completely, I would want to know more about you. Why are you uncomfortable with all things sex? Is it because you’re young and inexperienced, or have you had past experiences, such as rape or sexual molestation, that rock your foundations and understandably lead to uncomfortable feelings regarding sex? And how is your relationship with your sexual partner? Many people are uncomfortable with sexual activity when they don’t know or trust their partner well. Are you uncomfortable because you don’t really understand your body? Or are you having pain? There are many reasons why someone might feel uncomfortable with sex. Sometimes, those feelings arise to protect you and are worth honoring. But sometimes, they get in the way of sexual bliss and can cause problems.
To help you more, I would need to know the answers to some of those questions. If you’ve had sexual experiences in the past that are sabotaging your sex life, please see a therapist. You deserve to process those experiences now, or they will continue to plague you. If you’re in an unsafe relationship currently, get out. Your body might be trying to tell you something. But if you’re in a safe, loving relationship and your past isn’t a problem, here are 10 Tips To Help You Relax Into Your Sexuality.
1. Take the Pretty Pink Pussy Tour. The first step to getting rid of nervousness during sex is to know and love your body. If you’re subconsciously shamed by your body, your body and mind will rebel and put up red flags during sexual activity. Educate yourself, and love yourself.
2. Do a body blessing every night before you go to sleep. Close your eyes and scan through your body parts, starting at the top of your head and working downwards. As you approach each body part, pay attention to any negative thoughts that come into your mind, such as “I hate my fat ass.” Turn it around into an affirmation, such as “Thank you, Bottom, for cushioning me when I sit.” Do this all the way down to your toes.
3. Try relaxation exercises before you engage in sexual activity. Take a warm bath or have your partner massage you. Close your eyes and take a few very deep, cleansing breaths together. Light candles and incense- whatever it takes to help you relax.
4. Go slow. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or nervous during sex, perhaps you’re not ready. If your partner is truly caring, he or she will not pressure you into anything you’re not ready to do. Give yourself permission to set the pace.
5. Masturbate. If other sexual activities make you nervous, try pleasuring yourself instead. The more you can relax into your own sexuality, the more you can comfortably share it with someone else. If you’re able to masturbate by yourself without feeling uncomfortable, try masturbating together. That way, you have control of the whole experience, but doing it together can be highly stimulating for both of you. Once you graduate from that step, you may find yourself less uncomfortable with other sexual activities.
6. Breath deeply during sexual activity. Deep breathing relaxes your muscles and alters your mind. Pay attention to your breathing throughout the whole experience. Sounds silly, but it really might help.
7. Be silly. Sometimes sex can be so serious, and what better way to release the nervousness than to laugh. Laughing releases endorphins and stimulates the body in a whole host of ways. Try some laughter yoga exercises, such as this one: stick your thumbs in your ears and stick your tongue out at each other. Now laugh out loud as hard as you can. Sounds goofy, I know, but try it! I swear it works.
8. Talk about how you feel. Don’t be nervous in silence. If that’s how you’re feeling, share your thoughts with your partner. And if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your partner, talk to a girlfriend. It’s honest, and it’s okay. Don’t judge yourself for your nervousness. In time, this too shall pass.
9. Acknowledge your fears. What is making you nervous? Write your answers in your journal.
10. Pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to ask this question. It’s very empowering to gather information, and feeling empowered can make you feel more secure in vulnerable situations, such as during sex. Other empowering activities include engaging in challenging exercise, donating your time to a charity or campaign you believe in, and making smart health choices. Anything you can do to increase your sense of empowerment will follow you into the bedroom.
Hope that helps!