Summer is well on its way (it’s June already!), as we all know. Along with the endless sunny days and exponential increase of guys without their shirts on, we (unfortunately) also have to deal with the beast that is the summer wedding.
Some of you may protest, “but I like weddings! They’re fun!” Does sitting around for hours with pit stains in a dress you hate in the company of people you barely know with a severe case of sobriety sound fun to you? There are obviously some exceptions (especially if you are the bride or you’re just the “+1” on an invitation), but here are the 10 things we hate about weddings:
1). Bridesmaid Dresses – This is probably the worst thing on our list and definitely the one with the worst reputation (see uglydress.com and the hundreds of other sites dedicated to the fashion offenses committed in the “bridesmaid dress” genre). A summer wedding could only improve an ugly dress you didn’t want to wear – the pit stains will totally distract people from that pink poofy thing around your hips.
2). Weird Relatives – Seriously, where did those guys come from? I’ll bet you never knew that your Uncle Jed (Uncle Who??) from Sweden was a professional turnip juggler. He’s just dying to tell you all about his most recent competition, too.
3). Inadequate Seating – Wooden chairs and pews are so not comfortable, especially when you’re forced to watch something akin to My Big Redneck Wedding play out in front of your eyes (or, even worse, Bridezillas). Let’s get some couches up in here, or at least a cushion (at the very least, you could use the excessive amount of tulle in your ugly bridesmaid dress as a make-shift cushion).
4). The Lack of Alcohol – Unfortunately, not all weddings include the magical words “open bar.” Some of them are even dry weddings (gasp!). Seriously, if you’re gonna make us sit next to your creepy cousin at the singles table, then you better be handing out the bottles of wine like candy.
5). The Bride – We love her, we want to be her (maybe), but we also want to kill her. For some reason, once a girl gets a ring on her finger, it’s like getting permission to regress to when you were a toddler and were spoiled by everyone. Sorry, but if you’re not two years old, you just can’t rock a temper tantrum.
6). Ugly Groomsmen – Even the worst wedding can be saved by a couple pieces of eye candy in tuxes…but nothing ruins a summer wedding faster than an uggo in a sweat-stained tux. Especially if you’re a bridesmaid. Especially if you’re a single bridesmaid.
7). Children – Kind of like a spastic bride, if you put a kid in a pretty dress, it’s pretty much a free pass for any and all misbehavin’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m kinda jealous that they get to take their shoes off and run around screaming in their dress clothes. However, my jealousy is buried by my displeasure at being seated at the singles table with them (or at the end of the head table, stuck with the job of babysitting the flower girl).
8). The Chicken Dance – Just…no. No one can look good doing this. It’s not fun. It’s not cute. Stop the madness.
9). Bridesmaid Drama – If you’re lucky enough to be a part of the wedding party, then you get special privileges that other guests do not…such as bridesmaid drama. Nothing kills an evening like trying to control a cat fight between the bride and her sister. Trust me, you do not want to get caught up in that.
10). The Sheer Numbers – Once you get to a certain age, you start getting more and more of those little lacy invitations in the mail (particularly in the summer). As if one wasn’t enough! You better invest in a flask and an amazing LBD right now.