An Open Letter To “That” Girl

766926105_682cdd5712Dear Drunk Girl,

Hi sweetie. Long time no see. I take that back. I saw you last Friday. Same place, same hazy look in your eyes, different black dress that falls down to expose your bra. This one doesn’t have vomit on it… yet! Congratulations.

As much as going out and drinking in college is an integral part of your experience, I don’t think you serenading a fraternity with “Like a Virgin” into your half-empty Smirnoff handle (your makeshift microphone) while balancing on a coffee table is necessarily the right way to spend your Tuesday night.

You were very stylish at the beginning of the night. Your dress hung perfectly, eyelashes were curled, hair was straightened, heels were spotless and your jewelry matched. However, after those three, four or five shots of Patron? That sexy little dress you picked up at the Saks sale is riding up and showing off your embarrassing leopard print boy shorts. The mascara you so diligently applied is now running down your face after your tearful breakdown about how much you “love everyone sooooo much” and “like, can’t wait to have you all as my bridesmaids.” You seem to have more hair in your face than in your ponytail and one of your high heels is nowhere to be found. Check yourself, honey.

Is that pimply beast of a guy you’re making out with in front of everyone your boyfriend? Hope not, because you just made out with his best friend four minutes ago when you assaulted him against the beer pong table. Yes, beer pong winner is impressive, but it’s not like he just saved a child from a fire. Speaking of, can we talk about your beer pong game? It’s called beer pong for a reason. Not “mass amounts of vodka and a splash of cranberry” pong. When you’ve reached that point where hard liquor in the beer pong cups seems like a good idea, you’ve gone too far.

No, no one wants to split a supreme pizza with you, go to the strip club “just for fun,” drunk dial the Dean’s office or add a rule in any drinking game that involves getting naked. Drunk girl, it’s the middle of the week and don’t you have a final tomorrow? And stop yelling at the poor guy who made your drink – there is plenty of vodka in there and not his fault that you just can’t TASTE it anymore.

I love you, drunk girl. Because, sometimes, I am you. But even when I’m not, I still adore you because I have a great time making fun of you and drawing penises all over you when you pass out on the floor of some random living room amidst a Tila Tequila marathon.

XOXO,
Melanie

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

8 Comments on "An Open Letter To “That” Girl"

  1. Samantha says:
    Thu, 4th Jun 20091:17 pm 

    Did we just do this?

    http://collegecandy.com/2009/04/18/an-open-letter-to-the-drunk-girl-at-the-party/

  2. Melanie - Northeastern University says:
    Thu, 4th Jun 20092:52 pm 

    Pahaha, whoops! Didn’t know we’d already done one of these. Oh well.

  3. melissa says:
    Thu, 4th Jun 20099:44 pm 

    Hahaha, who cares if it was already done. It was great.

  4. Casey says:
    Fri, 5th Jun 200912:30 am 

    Ha ha! We did already have this. I remember because my boyfriend came over as I was reading it and saw the picture and said OMG is that Danielle! (Danielle is his ex of 3 years, who he was madly in love with and his mother adored, until she cheated on him, got engaged, and broke his heart) So I was very very pleased that he thought the drunk girl passed out with “Fun” written on her thigh was her. Not to mention I have a nicer body :) so It was a major confidence booster.

    But despite the fact that we have already had one of these, I always love to read them.

  5. Chelzz says:
    Sat, 6th Jun 20096:43 am 

    I Love these, and you should deff write one to annoying frat guy or to the kind of cute extremely annoying guy who never seems to go to class or have any other reason for college except to make you miss class.

    Maybe thats just me…

    -That Girl, haha.

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