Celebretard Showdown: Brangelina vs. TomKat

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Celebrity couples are hideous beasts born of the 24-hour news and gossip cycles and there are none more powerful than Brangelina and TomKat.  But which one is worse?  Which one makes you want to throw your TV out the window, turn off your computer, and hide your iPhone just so you never have to hear what ridiculous name they’re giving to their 17th adopted baby?  Such a difficult decision, but we can work through it.

Tabloids
Brangelina are regular fixtures in the tabloids, claiming spots from week to week concerning issues like who’s cheating on who, where they’re adopting their next baby from, and how much Angelina Jolie isn’t eating.

TomKat has had their fair share of face time on the cover of the tabloids, but it’s only due to Tom Cruise’s occasional crazy antics (couch hopping and weird religions, much?) and the public’s strange fascination with Suri Cruise.

Point: Brangelina.  If I never see them on the cover of anything again, then I’ll…well, that’ll never happen, so I don’t have to worry about what I’ll do.

Kids
Brangelina loves making babies.  They also love buying babies from foreign countries.  They just love babies.  We get it, you’re good looking, you’re successful, and you can have a healthy (well…) family life.  Yeah, well…bite it.

TomKat has Suri and it’s ridiculous how much gossip there is about that child.  Ballet lessons, expensive designer outfits, new haircuts, etc.  Her parents already passed on a healthy dose of crazy, so all this media attention is probably helping create some sort of future monster person.  Can’t wait.

Point: TomKat.  Even with one baby, they’re more annoying than Brangelina.

The Ex-Factor
Brangelina has a veritable black book full of celebrity exes that they’ve pissed off or left in a pit of depression.  Also, a very large number of Angelina Jolie’s ex-boyfriends (or husbands) are certifiably crazy.  I mean, just look at Billy Bob Thornton.

TomKat has quite a star-studded list of ex-lovers themselves (mostly from the Tom part of that equation).  Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Cher (yeah, they dated for a hot second), Mimi Rogers…and none of them are that crazy.  In fact, they make Tom Cruise seem less crazy since they deigned to date him at one point.

Point: Brangelina.  There’s too much crazy there to ignore.

Fans
Brangelina has a GINORMOUS fanbase.  There are the fans that love Angelina Jolie (mostly men…and teenage boys), the fans that love Brad Pitt (mostly women…and gay men), and the ones that love them together.  The movies they make are powerhouses and we’re all (apparently) addicted to their every move.

TomKat seem to be riding on their fans from days-gone-by…neither of them have made any movies of note lately (Anyone see Valkyrie? Anyone?) and they haven’t been helping their case by acting all crazy and whatnot.  Considering the success of all of Tom’s exes, Katie should bail and win an Oscar or something.

Point: TomKat.  I mean, at least Brangelina actually still have fans, instead of just thinking they do.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: TomKat.  Gotta give it up to TomKat, even though I’m incredibly annoyed by the crap I have to read every day about Brangelina. The tie-breaker was Tom Cruise’s whole Scientology thing.  I mean, seriously…he is clinically insane.