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Bad Advice Men Get: Phase Out the Best Friend
June 10, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships
Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.
We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…
This Week’s Article: Her Best Friend Is A Guy by askmen.com.
As someone who has a lot of close platonic male friends in her life, this article particularly irked me. And by “irked,” I mean “pissed me the hell off.”
The boys (they are not men) over at AskMen refuses to believe that a male and female can truly ever be good friends. As they say, “we’re operating under the assumption that heterosexual men and women cannot be best friends; sex always gets in the way.” I know many people may believe this, but I am living testament to the fact that it is not true. I would never dream of sleeping with my best guy friends, who I absolutely adore, and I know they feel the same way about me. In fact, the mere thought of it all makes me puke in my mouth a little.
Moving on…
The article lists a number of steps to help the reader deal when the girl he is dating has a close male friend. The first few sound OK: don’t express jealousy, meet the best friend, be nice to her best friend, find out their history, etc. The steps all seem pretty normal and natural in any relationship, but don’t be fooled. According to the author, your boyfriend’s “main objective here is to assess the competition,” rather than simply get to know your friend and what role he plays in your life.
And if being shady and manipulative isn’t bad enough, it all goes downhill from here. After assessing the competition, the article advises guys to phase BFF out. Why? “If her best friend is a guy, it’s probably going to cause problems for your relationship, as there will always be another guy with whom she’s emotionally intimate.” Because clearly it’s impossible for men to understand or accept that women can be emotionally connected to more than one person. Especially a dude; if she was emotionally intimate with a female friend, I doubt it would be a problem.
But, again, it gets even worse.
Step 7: Get her to talk about him. The article says: “Another useful technique for phasing him out is to subtly get her to talk about him. Encourage her whenever she starts complaining about him. Be there whenever the two of them get into an argument.”
Um, NO! Of coarse you should be there for your S.O. when they are fighting with a friend, but this shady approach to ruin their friendship will only push your girlfriend away. If she gets the sense that you hate her male friend (and she definitely will when you start prodding her to complain about him…we’re not dense like SOME people…) it’s only going to make her question your motives. And besides, shouldn’t men stop being so damn selfish and insecure and think about what makes their girlfriends happy for once? You know, like having healthy relationships with their friends?
Step 8: Get him to embarrass himself. “OK, granted, setting her best friend up to embarrass himself is a pretty shifty move, but all is fair in love and war, right? Try getting her best friend drunk, or subtly encouraging asinine behavior.” This kind of behavior doesn’t just make guys bad boyfriends, it make them all around sh*tty people. Honestly, who does this?!
AskMen should be telling their readers to GROW UP. So what if their girlfriend has close male friends? If they are honestly a threat, the guys need to talk to her about it. But they usually aren’t and guys need to realize that they are important people in her life and probably will be for a while. Just because someone’s girlfriend has a best male friend doesn’t mean she will be less of a girlfriend to him. It should actually be a good thing. It shows that she is good at relating to guys, and probably enjoys some more male-oriented activities. It also means that when they get into fights, instead of sitting around with her girlfriends talking about what a dick the guy is, maybe she’ll talk it out with her guy friend and he’ll help her see that there are two sides to every argument.
Of course, guys don’t see that. At least the ones writing these articles. They’re far too insecure to have a relationship, let alone a healthy one.
Girls, have you noticed your boyfriends employing any of these steps to rid you of your male friends?
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Sarah says:
Wed, 10th Jun 20098:53 am
My boyfriend doesn't try to phase out my guy friends because he used to be one of them!
And I just wanted to add, I think articles on askmen.com should be taken with a very large BAG of salt. I don't know specifically what demographic this site reaches, or how many hits it gets, but I'm pretty sure the answers to those questions are somewhere along the lines of "douchebags and their extra-crispy girlfriends" and "however many men need to pay $100 for 'The System,' which outlines how to get and keep a woman by being as much of a controlling, manipulative douchebag as possible."
Rita says:
Wed, 10th Jun 200910:55 am
I cringe whenever I see how many people agree with askmen articles…is there any intelligent life out there?
Star says:
Wed, 10th Jun 200910:56 am
The articles on AskMen are so immature. I'm very happy you're doing this column. It's nice to hear someone else rant about them as well.
criolle johnny says:
Wed, 10th Jun 20096:12 pm
Usually the WOMEN in my life are trying to get me to lose MY guy friends!
Matt says:
Wed, 10th Jun 20095:52 pm
From a guy's perspective. Most of the AskMen columns, especially on how to handle anything beyond picking up women at a bar, are usually out of whack.
tissue says:
Wed, 10th Jun 20098:26 pm
My bf and my best guy friends hang out regularly now. @_@
Star says:
Thu, 11th Jun 20091:01 am
Definitely nice to know that guys don’t just fall for these articles hook, line, and sinker.
johnny- I don’t think women trying to get you to lose your guy friends it quite the same. While that’s not good either, I don’t think they’re jealous you’ll secretly have sex with them
David says:
Thu, 11th Jun 20098:44 am
What about when your gf wants you to lose your platonic female friends? Why is it that woman want to keep their male friends, but want their bf to ditch their female friends?
anonymous says:
Sat, 20th Jun 20099:35 am
Just like girls know how girls work, guys know how guys work…
It is quite common for the best male friend to have feelings for the girl, the girl either chooses to ignore his feelings or is ignorant to those feelings. Even if the girl has no desire for that friend sexually/romantically, he will probably not be giving the boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. We know guys who think that when a girl is emotionally weak(fighting with the boyfriend), they will try and swoop in and take advantage(emotionally).
However good news is that usually the girl has no sexual desire for that friend and just complains to him bout the "asshole"(well she just had a fight with her bf
) she's banging,while the bf dies a little inside.
So the boyfriends are correct in seeing the male best friend as someone who probably desires his girlfriend, however most girls have no desire in that friend and ignore his desire.
Yes the situation can be flipped girl wants the male best friend but he's ignorant… but that's not the situation the askmen article was worried about.
2 movies to consider, which bestfriend do you have?
Pretty in Pink – Duckie? a geeky guy who loves the girl but has no chance, gets jealous of the girl's crush, tries to talk her out of it(sabatoge a date for their own interests, not yours)
Made of Honor – dude breaks up a wedding because he got his act together after 10 years? What about the groom? fuck him?
A man says:
Thu, 2nd Jul 20091:59 am
It is very rare for a guy and a girl to be friends, at some point someone does steps over the line.
If you cant wait to see that friend, or miss them alot, more so than someone you "love", then you should break up with your partner and do them a favour. You are only with them to pass time. If you are both passing time then that is fine, but if you are in a long term relationship then stop wasting that persons time.
In my 30 years, I have only met one guy who has said that he would not sleep with a female freind (he gets on well with), if he had the chance too. Everyone single one of my freinds have said they would but wont have a chance.
If you spend alot of time with another person, then something will happen at some point, and then there is the problem of emotional teaching.
Amee says:
Fri, 3rd Jul 20094:17 pm
I grew up being "that girl" who grew up with having mostly guy friends. I was a super tomboy, and hated hanging out with other girls who were catty, bitchy, complained about everything, and never wanted to get dirty. Guys would just be laid back, fun to hang out with, up for anything, and generally were awesome because they treated me like their little sister and protected me.
And just because I "love" my guy friends, does not mean I am "in love" with them. I love my guy friends like a brother, and they've all been honest and told me they've seen me as anything more either. Because really, they've seen me through everything, and we've seen each other go through puberty…ick…lol.
A man, what's wrong with missing your best friend a lot, or getting excited about seeing them? I'm the same way with my best girlfriend too. I agree with you that if it's more than your feelings for your partner, then you should reassess the relationship. But there is nothing wrong with missing your best friend.
It doesn't always step over the line, my best guy friend would do anything for me, and vise versa.
Long live the male-female "besties"
Jamie London says:
Sat, 7th Nov 20093:11 am
Great article and another example of the completely misguided ideas lots of guys (girls, too) have about relationships and how to handle them well. Most of the time this kind of advice ends up in a breakup. Then the guy has to start worrying about how to get her back. Using the same kind of advice, he's destined to fail, if not right away, certainly in the long run. Ditch the bad advice. Pay attention to the good advice you find here and elsewhere, and save yourself a lot of headaches.
Balance says:
Sat, 12th Jun 20108:24 am
I think what's more important here is not whether it's a problem or not in an absolute sense, but whether it's something one can tolerate. There are valid reasons for why a male might disagree with his girlfriend having a male best friend (eg. male disrespects the relationship or sufficient boundaries aren't in place) just as there are valid reasons for why the male should just move beyond the issue (eg. pure jealousy). In either case, assessing whether it's probably makes more sense to communicate about it and determine whether they can come to some middle ground and part ways if it's a deal breaker. It is a partnership afterall.