Warning: Do Not Mix With Alcohol

I’m not good at much – just ask my IM volleyball team – but if there is one thing I’ve mastered in my lifetime, it’s the art of drinking. It’s not like it came naturally; I’ve devoted much of my adult life to hitting the bottle. It’s been a lot of hard work, dry heaves and hairs of the dogs that bit me, but I am finally a boozing master.

And being that I am a self-proclaimed expert in the subject, I think it is imperative that I share some of my hard earned knowledge with the world. You see, drinking is a difficult task and there are many things to know in order to truly be good at it. Namely: the things that don’t mix well with alcohol.

You may feel the need to go out and try these combos for yourself, but just trust me on this one and stay far, far away from the following mixers:

1. Cereal: Lucky Charms and Baileys sounds like a delicious combo, but it is not. Especially before a long day of classes.

2. Automobiles: Obviously, everyone (well, everyone besides those morons in Hollywood) knows that driving drunk is dumb. But so is riding in the back of a cab. With a window that doesn’t work. You never know how far vomit can splash until you are in that situation.

3. Going commando: There is something about the combination of alcohol and the desire to constantly lift one’s skirt that just doesn’t quite work.

4. Serious talks: If you need to have it out with someone you know, doing it while drunk is not a good idea. Unless, of course, you like screaming/crying/punching/hugging in the middle of a busy street.

5. Cameras: Dropping it and watching the screen shatter while doing the worm in the middle of a dance floor is the least of your problems. In fact, after realizing the sh*tshow that is documented on that memory card, it may just be the solution.

6. Bunk Beds: Top or bottom, you will get injured.

7. Fine Dining: You may think a fine meal isn’t complete without a (few) bottle(s) of wine, but I’m sure the bus boy who has to wipe up your vomit from under the table would disagree.

8. Tights: They look totally hot with that mini, but aren’t so wonderful after you break the seal and have to pee every 10-12 minutes for the rest of the night.

9. Fire: No explanation needed.

10. Slides: “OMGEEE IT WOULD BE SO FUN TO SLIDE DOWN THAT RIGHT NOW…FACE FIRST,” says the girl who now is missing the skin from the right side of her face.

True story. All of them. Just heed my advice and be careful out there.