Overheard: Tootsie Rolled

By John

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(Two guys, relaxing in a student lobby.)

Guy 1: Hulk Hogan is a country.  He’s the world’s largest importer of rice paper shirts.

Guy 2: Guess that explains everything.

(Older woman, on the phone.)

Woman: What could we buy Dad that he doesn’t already have? … How about a loving daughter?

(pause)

Woman: Oh, honey, I was kidding.

(pause)

Woman: Hey! I said I was kidding! It was a joke!

(pause)

Woman: No. Don’t hang up. I’ll apologize. I’m sorry, honey.

(Guy chasing a mosquito around with newspaper. Girl watching.)

Guy 1: Get back here, mosquito. You’re going to mosquito school. At mosquito school, you die.

Girl: He paid a lot of money to go to mosquito school!

(Two girls, looking at each other’s cell phones.)

Girl 1: What does it do?

Girl 2: It doesn’t really work. The battery sucks and I get service, like, nowhere. It cost 80 bucks, and it plays the Tootsie Roll song.

Girl 1: Totally worth it.

Girl 2: It’s funny how true that is.

(Guys turn around as another enters a party.)

Guy 1: Oh, sh*t, it’s chili schnapps guy. Don’t bring that sh*t here.

Guy 2: What are you talking about? This is peach schnapps.

Guy 1: No foolin’ me, man. That’s straight up chili .

(Guy on the phone in a Chinese restaurant.)

Guy: Yeah, brother, get ready to whip it out. We’re gonna play some video games.

(Heard in the background of a cell phone conversation.)

Drunk guy: Who are you calling? Is he a slut? You’d better be calling a slut, honey!

(Two girls at a sexual consent workshop, oddly enough.)

Girl 1: No Hulk Sex.

Girl 2: Definitely not.

Girl 1: Like, that’s some scary stuff. Huge muscles.

Girl 2: Uh-huh.

Girl 1: Because, you know, it’s like what the Hulk does. When he Hulks out.

Girl 2: Right. I get it. Can we stop talking about this?

(Girl, walking in a group by the road.)

Girl: Holy s***! The trees are taking off! They’re f***ing flying away!

(Girl in Starbucks, talking earnestly to two male listeners.)

Girl: Bodies are crazy. You know, they can move, breathe, even talk for days after dying.

Guy: S***.

Girl: Yeah, it’s weird. Mozart actually composed his last symphony while clinically dead.

Other guy: Geez. Wow.